I'm in 100% girl mode for the third strait day now. This afternoon we had a going away luncheon for one of our staff members at work. My dysphoria was already bad, but when we all met up at the restaurant I damn near had a panic attack. My body and mind are completely out of sync. While I know that while no one looking at me and could possibly know what was going through my head, my brain kept(s) screaming, "I'm a girl" over and over again and I became convinced that my coworkers were going to look at me see how I felt. (That sounds odd but it's the best way I could describe it.)
I was able to come home early only to find my wife distraught, as while we spend all our time together I'm really 100 miles away in my mind, desperately trying to come to grips with whatever the hell I am and am becoming.
She told me, "It's like you're disappearing". I sort of feel like that, but it's more like the masculine part of me is disappearing and in it's place, well, I don't know. I don't want to lose my wife, and I don't want her to lose the person she fell in love with and married.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Future complications
Note - I'm writting this from my phone so sorry for any spelling errors.
My wife hates the city and dreams of moving to a quiet, rural town one day. I've always shared that dream, but now I'm realising that it might not be possible.
To put it lightly, I'm not quite normal.
In the city people are more tolorant and I have acess to medical care and the lgbt community. I won't have that kind of support out in the boonies, and because of the physical changes that I need to make to my body the risk of violance against me (and my wife) is increased.
Just what am I and what am I to become? I almost wish I was fully transgendered so that I could at least have a clear goal as to what I need to do. Because I'm both genders, (and a little more to spice things up) I plan on making my body as androgynous as possible through hormones and minor surgery. This is something that I need to do if I'm to stay sane.
How would people view my wife and I in a small rural town? Would they think we were lesbians? Would they think we were some sort of sick, sexual deviants? Would I be forced to remain in the closet for the rest of my life? I tend to always think of the worst case scenario and being a member of the trans comunity I know that a worst case scenario would be life ending.
Now I know that just because a town is out in the country it does not mean that all it's full of transphobic biggots. (We have plenty of them in the city.) I just don't feel like I will be safe there, or have the support that I need. I knew that the path I'm on is going to have a huge effect on my future, but now I'm realising just how much it's going to fuck everything up for my wife if she remains with me and I feel guilty as hell.
The worst part is that there's nothing I can do to change the course I'm on, even though it's going to take me strait through a hurricane and my wife is along for the ride. I hate this.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Gender Euphoria (AKA - This isn't going to end well.)
So here I am, a woman trapped in a man's body. I'm ok with that however, as I know that over time, with HRT, surgery, lot's of hard work, blood sweat and tears that can be corrected. Right now as I type this I feel like I could take on the world.
My dysphoria is gone compleatly as I know that I will one day I'll be a woman not only in mind but in body as well. In the mean time there's very little I can do about my present condition so getting strung up won't help my cause any. My whole body is tingling from my scalp to the tips of my toes and I feel a joyful warmth deep where I imagine religious people think the soul might be. It's as though the fog has lifted and how my path to womanhood has been laid out before me. I am Page and Pete is gone.
Since I began this journey I've never felt so wonderful, like everything finally makes sense and that I know what I am and what I have to do.
Very soon, I'm going to fall. HARD.
Gender Euphoria is not an uncommon experience to many in the trans community. While someone who might identify as a trans-man or trans-woman feel as though they are one gender trapped in the wrong body, a bigendered person experiences both genders (or more, or sometimes none) at different times. (Many people experience gender in different ways so please don't be offended if you don't agree, I'm speaking in the simplest terms that I can for a general audience.)
So for me, right now I am ready to live the rest of my life as a woman. I have my five year plan ready for my appointment with the endocrinologist on the 20th and if I never shift back to male I plan to stick to it.
But I'm Bigendered and I WILL switch back, as this is not the first time this has happened to me. All of the sudden I will think to myself, "The rest of my life as a woman? Surgery? Why the hell would I want to do that?" I'll empathize with my female side, but I won't understand what it felt like to be her.
That might sound like I have two personalities but that's not it at all. It's two different genders. (Uh, sometimes more.) When I flip from one mode to the other you won't even notice. With the exception of subtle differences in my speech patterns, the way I move and carry myself I'm the same person.
I've never felt more like a woman and I love it. But while I still have so much to learn about myself at least I've gained a tiny bit of wisdom thus far regarding my bigendered nature.
"Everything changes."
I'll try to enjoy it in the mean time though.
Page
My dysphoria is gone compleatly as I know that I will one day I'll be a woman not only in mind but in body as well. In the mean time there's very little I can do about my present condition so getting strung up won't help my cause any. My whole body is tingling from my scalp to the tips of my toes and I feel a joyful warmth deep where I imagine religious people think the soul might be. It's as though the fog has lifted and how my path to womanhood has been laid out before me. I am Page and Pete is gone.
Since I began this journey I've never felt so wonderful, like everything finally makes sense and that I know what I am and what I have to do.
Very soon, I'm going to fall. HARD.
Gender Euphoria is not an uncommon experience to many in the trans community. While someone who might identify as a trans-man or trans-woman feel as though they are one gender trapped in the wrong body, a bigendered person experiences both genders (or more, or sometimes none) at different times. (Many people experience gender in different ways so please don't be offended if you don't agree, I'm speaking in the simplest terms that I can for a general audience.)
So for me, right now I am ready to live the rest of my life as a woman. I have my five year plan ready for my appointment with the endocrinologist on the 20th and if I never shift back to male I plan to stick to it.
But I'm Bigendered and I WILL switch back, as this is not the first time this has happened to me. All of the sudden I will think to myself, "The rest of my life as a woman? Surgery? Why the hell would I want to do that?" I'll empathize with my female side, but I won't understand what it felt like to be her.
That might sound like I have two personalities but that's not it at all. It's two different genders. (Uh, sometimes more.) When I flip from one mode to the other you won't even notice. With the exception of subtle differences in my speech patterns, the way I move and carry myself I'm the same person.
I've never felt more like a woman and I love it. But while I still have so much to learn about myself at least I've gained a tiny bit of wisdom thus far regarding my bigendered nature.
"Everything changes."
I'll try to enjoy it in the mean time though.
Page
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
The face in the mirror (Edit)
Edit - I need to like, proof read the stuff I write before I put it up. What a concept huh? Anyway, I fixed this post to be somewhat coherent now. Sorry. =P
___________________________________________________________
Who do you see when you look into the mirror?
___________________________________________________________
Who do you see when you look into the mirror?
When I was a child I was fascinated with my own reflection and I would stare at it for long periods of time in the giant mirror that my grandparents had in the living room. My grandmother would yell at me to stop, but I don't remember why. Probably because it seemed narcissistic, but I'm not sure if that was the case.
I just could never really except that it MY face. I was looking at another person looking back at me. I made funny faces and he made them right back at me. (Alas, to this day I am the king/queen of funny faces.) Who was this boy in the mirror? Why did he look like me but was not me? (And me at the same time?)
When puberty hit my face betrayed me. Have you ever seen an acne ad where they show a person with the worst possible acne in the world? That was me. No exaggeration.
I'm not going to be a misery dick http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=misery%20dick right now and go into my teenage years but in the aftermath my face is a ruin of scars and craters. I hate my face. Where it once held fascination it now mocks me and yet when I encounter a mirror I still have a hard time looking away. Ok, I can't NOT look away.
“That can't be me,” I think. But yeah, that's my mug staring apologetically back at me, as if to say, “Sorry Bra, not my fault your hormones are all out of wack.”
I learned to live with my face as a man because men can have scared, craggy faces and still be excepted by society because that shit sometimes happens to “us”. When I came to grips with the fact that I'm (mostly) a woman trapped in this body that all changed.
I remember an incident that occurred shortly after I finally “came out” to myself and accepted the fact that I was bigender. It was probably a day or two after I had done so. I stepped out of the shower, looked in the mirror and saw someone else looking back at me. I was a woman in mind and spirit, but my reflection was that of a pasty white, overweight male slob with a ruined face. I threw up violently in the toilet for several minuets.
That was my first real taste of gender dysphoria, and it's something that I still struggle with every day.
Right then and there I changed the way that I live my life. I eat healthy and mostly vegetarian, I do moderate exercise for an hour a day, I went to the dermatologist and I'm on retain a which has thus far had a noticeable impact on my skin quality. Les and I have two grand saved up for either dermabasion or laser resurfacing for my face, which will hopefully either eliminate or greatly diminish my acne scaring and smooth out my complexion.
I still have “man fat” around my waist that makes me feel disgusted, but my body looks sooo much better than it used to. I've trimmed at LEAST 30 pounds of fat and I had to pull all my old pants out of storage. (Despite all the problems it's raised my wife says that realizing that I'm bigender was the best thing to ever happen to my health.)
But back to my face. While there used to only be one reflection now sometimes there are more. There's the “Ugly Reflection” where I see every issue with my face that I could probably imagine amplified by 100 times. Sadly, that's the one I see the most. Then there's “Guy Face”, with his strong jaw, steely eyes and serious expression. Then Androgynous Face, still masculine by birth but soft and feminine. I like that one.
But sometimes, I look at myself and I see a phantom face behind my own. That of the woman who I so often am inside. It's like I can't focus on her, but she's there, trying to manifest herself in my world. “I'm here!” She screams, like someone trapped on the other side of a mirror in a twilight episode. “See me!” (Don't you dare start singing The Who right now. Well, hell, let's at least sing it together. . . )
As I modify my body through surgical intervention and as I feminize myself with hormones will her reflection become clearer? And once I can look into the mirror and see her, will it finally be myself looking back at me? Or just another stranger?
Page Abendroth
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Trans-formation: My gender-queer manifesto
I'm weird.
I say that proudly, as I always have.
Since I was a young child I was the “weird kid” and that was my identity up throughout high school. I never knew why I was the weird kid , and my life up to this point had been a struggle to be taken seriously while still expressing my true self.
I made art. I did improve shows before my friends who would circle around me and wait for me to make them laugh. Who would make me laugh though?
I’ve always felt ostracized from society, yet I didn’t know why. I knew I was different and that something was “wrong” with me, so I had to act how people expected me to act so that I could function in our gender binary society.
<<Sit like a man, talk monotone, take up space, don't think about the fact that when you close your eyes that you see yourself as a woman. You're attracted to woman so that means you're normal right? As long as you don't act on your desires you're not gay. Don't stand like that! Legs shoulder length apart, don't put your weight on one leg. I want to be taken. Someone fuck me. Shoulders hunched forward. As long as you only fantasize about being with a man your not gay. Why can't I stop? I still like women so I'm OK? Squint your eyes. You can do this. Laugh at their stupid misogynistic jokes, at the stories they tell about your female friends. That's what men do and you need to be a man lest you be rejected. As long as you don't cross dress you're still safe.>>
Back then I played along but I hated myself for it. Now I feel like I'm finally growing in body and spirit while another part of me dies, or more accurately, I shed the false masculine armor that I've been entombed within over the years. It still serves me when needed, but I finally realize that it's not who I am, nor who I've ever been. Like a 17 year cicada I leave my shell behind and scream my song desperately into the night as my death rapidly approaches.
I'm not a human any longer. (I'm an Alligattoooooor! I'm a space man. . . Uh, Bowie reference. Yeah.)
I'm an heterosexual. I'm a gay man. I'm aggressive and submissive, a top and a bottom. A coward and a sadomasochist. I'm a woman. I'm a lesbian. I'm a strait female. I'm androgynous. I'm polly and monogamous. Gender is a failed concept to me; I'm a gender-queer outlaw and I don't care anymore.
Who are you? I want you for your compassion, your kindness, your tolerance, your art, your warm body pressed against mine regardless of it's configuration, your intelligence and your wit. I'm finally free from gender and it's limitations. It can be sexual. It can be friendship. It can be both. Love transcends everything. Above all, I want your companionship. I want to be your ally.
Up to this point I've been afraid to express myself because of how I thought others would perceive me. That shit stops today. As soon as I can I'm getting piercings, I'm going on hormones and by the time I'm done I have no intention of being recognizable in either gender binary unless I choose to present that way.
I am who I am, and I'm not a man or a woman. I'm fluid, I'm a contradiction, an alien, a nonconformist, a trans-person and above all an individual. I will sculpt and modify my body to reflect who I am inside and I don't give a damn anymore about blending into the crowd. I'm a gender binary smashing battering-ram and you can't stop me, or the thousands of others out there like me.
I've always been afraid to be myself because of the other people around me. I was terrified of being ostracized from the mainstream cisgender community, but in retrospect I've never belonged to them anyway and I've never felt comfortable in that world. (Nor did they accept me.) This is the end of that and the beginning of the rest of my life.
So now I am naked and unidentifiable. What am I? I'm a human being that lusts for life, love and community. That's something that we all have in common. If only we would focus on what we need from life as opposed to what divides us.
Until that time comes, I will not summit, not anymore. Today I march off to war with a flannel shirt, pink panties, combat boots, a frilly skirt and unflinching cold blue eyes. (The eyeshadow makes all the difference.) My center of gravity shifts at random from my shoulders to my hips and I no longer try to hide it.
I'm an impossible conundrum and yet I live on, for better or worse. I may thrive in this brave new world or I may be killed without reason. I reflect upon those who have gone before me; They like to burn and dismember our bodies. I hear it's to erase our identities and to warn others - “This is what happens!” http://www.transgenderdor.org/?page_id=1663 It's the same with racial and religious hate crimes. Honor our sisters and brothers.
This is what happens when you are brave enough to be yourself. This is what happens when you try to live your life defiantly.
Yet I remain defiant, as I have no other choice if I am to live and love as I must.
I will fight to the bitter end.
By my hand upon this date,
A mammal.
A gender freak
A human
Someone who likes to wear mittens.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving. Or something.
It's late and I should be sleeping, but what else is new.
This has been a VERY turbulent year for me. Just reading through my blog posts goes to show how emotionally volatile I've been. My world has been turned upside down and my long journey has just begun. I have no idea where the path will lead me, but I know that it will be hard, I will be hurt and I will hurt the people that I love, just to find some semblance of balance and peace within myself. I have no choice in this.
I just want to be a average cisgender guy. That's never going to happen though and I have to accept the fact that the proverbial Genie is out of the bottle and now there's no going back to how things used to be. I'm a very queer, bigendered pansexual person who favors my female side. Soon I will be on hormones to develop secondary female sex characteristics.
Many bigendered persons say that hormones balanced out their female side and their quality of life improved. I've heard from transgender people that when you go on hormones you figure out whether or not you really want to transition.
What if I want to go all the way? I feel like "guy mode" is more and more just a front I've established over time in order to conform to the male cisgender stereotype. In reality I'm very feminine, and if I acted "normally" in my day to day life I would be subject to hostile discrimination.
This is a scarey time, but despite all that's happening to me I still think that I'm very fortunate.
I have a roof over my head and I'm able to pay the bills on time.
I'm married to the most wonderful woman on the planet.
My health, well there's been problems. However, for the most part I'm healthy and I'm not dead yet.
I have a steady job with good benefits and a great boss.
I have two cats. This might seem trivial but I love animals and they mean the world to me.
Despite my world being torn apart by my gender issues I'm very blessed. I'm very thankful for the lot I've been dealt, and I'll try to remain mindful of it. What are you thankful for?
This has been a VERY turbulent year for me. Just reading through my blog posts goes to show how emotionally volatile I've been. My world has been turned upside down and my long journey has just begun. I have no idea where the path will lead me, but I know that it will be hard, I will be hurt and I will hurt the people that I love, just to find some semblance of balance and peace within myself. I have no choice in this.
I just want to be a average cisgender guy. That's never going to happen though and I have to accept the fact that the proverbial Genie is out of the bottle and now there's no going back to how things used to be. I'm a very queer, bigendered pansexual person who favors my female side. Soon I will be on hormones to develop secondary female sex characteristics.
Many bigendered persons say that hormones balanced out their female side and their quality of life improved. I've heard from transgender people that when you go on hormones you figure out whether or not you really want to transition.
What if I want to go all the way? I feel like "guy mode" is more and more just a front I've established over time in order to conform to the male cisgender stereotype. In reality I'm very feminine, and if I acted "normally" in my day to day life I would be subject to hostile discrimination.
This is a scarey time, but despite all that's happening to me I still think that I'm very fortunate.
I have a roof over my head and I'm able to pay the bills on time.
I'm married to the most wonderful woman on the planet.
My health, well there's been problems. However, for the most part I'm healthy and I'm not dead yet.
I have a steady job with good benefits and a great boss.
I have two cats. This might seem trivial but I love animals and they mean the world to me.
Despite my world being torn apart by my gender issues I'm very blessed. I'm very thankful for the lot I've been dealt, and I'll try to remain mindful of it. What are you thankful for?
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Stuck in female mode, other random bits of info
Sorry it's been so long since I wrote. I've been pretty busy lately.
As for the work situation - no one has said anything. All they would know anyway is that I've been diagnosed with GID (gender identity disorder) anyway, so it's not like anyone could do anything to me. As a helpful person on the Bigender.new forums pointed out to me, there are no laws protecting trans people from being fired just for being trans, so coming out at work ain't gunna happen.
I had my first appointment with the gender therapist and she is wonderful! She has apparently delt with the VA beffore and she has put me on the fast track to getting HRT. My first appointment with the endocrinologist is December 20th. According to the woman I spoke to at the clinic the second or third appointment will be when I get my prescription.
I had a weird episode where I woke up as Page and I was stuck in female mode all day. Now when I'm Page I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life as a woman, and due to the fact that I couldn't switch back I started to think that I was transgender and that I was going to have to start planing my transition. (If you haven't noticed, I can get very neurotic when I'm in girl mode.)
The next morning I woke up in guy mode and as always, I couldn't figure out why the hell I thought that way. Some people on the boards have had similar situations, one person going into female mode for weeks at a time for example, and their advice was very helpfull to me.
I met with the UCSD researchers again today and I guess that they're going to do some tests on me, which I think is supper neat. FOR SCIENCE!
Final note, I've just learned what Pansexuality http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality means and that's apparently what I am as opposed to being bisexual as I've been describing myself up to this point. Gender is pretty much irrelevant to me and the penis and vagina are just two sex organs you do different things to in order to make them feel good. Yeah, more labels, but labels help us to communicate who we are to one and other in the most simplest terms.
OK! I think I've covered the most important stuff that's been going on. I promise to update more often.
As for the work situation - no one has said anything. All they would know anyway is that I've been diagnosed with GID (gender identity disorder) anyway, so it's not like anyone could do anything to me. As a helpful person on the Bigender.new forums pointed out to me, there are no laws protecting trans people from being fired just for being trans, so coming out at work ain't gunna happen.
I had my first appointment with the gender therapist and she is wonderful! She has apparently delt with the VA beffore and she has put me on the fast track to getting HRT. My first appointment with the endocrinologist is December 20th. According to the woman I spoke to at the clinic the second or third appointment will be when I get my prescription.
I had a weird episode where I woke up as Page and I was stuck in female mode all day. Now when I'm Page I feel like I want to spend the rest of my life as a woman, and due to the fact that I couldn't switch back I started to think that I was transgender and that I was going to have to start planing my transition. (If you haven't noticed, I can get very neurotic when I'm in girl mode.)
The next morning I woke up in guy mode and as always, I couldn't figure out why the hell I thought that way. Some people on the boards have had similar situations, one person going into female mode for weeks at a time for example, and their advice was very helpfull to me.
I met with the UCSD researchers again today and I guess that they're going to do some tests on me, which I think is supper neat. FOR SCIENCE!
Final note, I've just learned what Pansexuality http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexuality means and that's apparently what I am as opposed to being bisexual as I've been describing myself up to this point. Gender is pretty much irrelevant to me and the penis and vagina are just two sex organs you do different things to in order to make them feel good. Yeah, more labels, but labels help us to communicate who we are to one and other in the most simplest terms.
OK! I think I've covered the most important stuff that's been going on. I promise to update more often.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Good! No, Crap! Uh, Good Again!
This was an interesting day. Sick of the VA dicking me around I went ahead and scheduled an appointment with the gender therapist myself. This will be tonight at 2030. After I got her email this morning and confirmed the appointment I was ecstatic. Yay! Things are finally moving forward!
Then I left a nasty-gram at the patient advocate office as they have not been at all helpful and they still hadn't faxed me my letter authorizing funding nor have the been returning my calls. I just figured that I'd pay out of pocket for tonight's appointment and that the letter should arrive in the mail before my next.
I guess my message lit a fire under the patient advocate's ass, because some hours latter one of the head honchos who works in admin came downstairs to my office with my fax!
"Uh, hay. I found this sitting in the fax in-box with no cover-slip on it. I know that it's confidential medical information so I brought it down to you right away."
"Hay thanks Greg!" (Names changed of course.)
"No problem Jargo. Take care ok?" And off he went. He had put a cover sheet on the fax, so I took it off to look at the funding request. NAME - JARGO ABENDROTH (not my real name but I like it!) DIAGNOSIS - GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER. There was all kinds of highly sensitive personal information on there and SUPER VISIBLE OMG LOOK AT THIS WEIRDO. So whoever got the fax now knows all about me, "Greg" knows, and anyone else who happened to wander in to see if they got a fax knows. And you know how rumors can spread in a small office environment.
I fell off cloud nine back onto earth completely horrified. I didn't know what to do. I was shaking and afraid to leave the office. It was lunch time so I got some chow and gave myself time to work things out in my mind. So my grand plan is -
If one person says anything about this to me I'm coming out at work. Fuck it.
I'm sick of being ashamed of who I am. I feel like my life has been out of control and I'm fed up. It was supposed to be my decision when I came out, and in fact there's only one person who I work with that I ever planned on telling, and it was not going to be until I was ready. That's been taken away from me and I'm pissed off.
I'm always afraid of what other people will think of me, of being judged. That's going to stop right now. I might just come out anyway. The Department of Defense is an equal opportunity employer after all. If I'm discriminated against or harasser I just need to go to HR to get their ass fired, and if that doesn't work I'll sue like crazy.
So what I think I'll do is take is slow, asses the situation over the next week and then make my decision after I've had time to mull this over. (Unless someone say's anything, then it's "come out as queer time.") I refuse to be a victim and this situation will only make me stronger. Now I need to exercise and get cleaned up before my appointment. RAR.
Then I left a nasty-gram at the patient advocate office as they have not been at all helpful and they still hadn't faxed me my letter authorizing funding nor have the been returning my calls. I just figured that I'd pay out of pocket for tonight's appointment and that the letter should arrive in the mail before my next.
I guess my message lit a fire under the patient advocate's ass, because some hours latter one of the head honchos who works in admin came downstairs to my office with my fax!
"Uh, hay. I found this sitting in the fax in-box with no cover-slip on it. I know that it's confidential medical information so I brought it down to you right away."
"Hay thanks Greg!" (Names changed of course.)
"No problem Jargo. Take care ok?" And off he went. He had put a cover sheet on the fax, so I took it off to look at the funding request. NAME - JARGO ABENDROTH (not my real name but I like it!) DIAGNOSIS - GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER. There was all kinds of highly sensitive personal information on there and SUPER VISIBLE OMG LOOK AT THIS WEIRDO. So whoever got the fax now knows all about me, "Greg" knows, and anyone else who happened to wander in to see if they got a fax knows. And you know how rumors can spread in a small office environment.
I fell off cloud nine back onto earth completely horrified. I didn't know what to do. I was shaking and afraid to leave the office. It was lunch time so I got some chow and gave myself time to work things out in my mind. So my grand plan is -
If one person says anything about this to me I'm coming out at work. Fuck it.
I'm sick of being ashamed of who I am. I feel like my life has been out of control and I'm fed up. It was supposed to be my decision when I came out, and in fact there's only one person who I work with that I ever planned on telling, and it was not going to be until I was ready. That's been taken away from me and I'm pissed off.
I'm always afraid of what other people will think of me, of being judged. That's going to stop right now. I might just come out anyway. The Department of Defense is an equal opportunity employer after all. If I'm discriminated against or harasser I just need to go to HR to get their ass fired, and if that doesn't work I'll sue like crazy.
So what I think I'll do is take is slow, asses the situation over the next week and then make my decision after I've had time to mull this over. (Unless someone say's anything, then it's "come out as queer time.") I refuse to be a victim and this situation will only make me stronger. Now I need to exercise and get cleaned up before my appointment. RAR.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Things fall apart, but they can be rebuilt
I'm a recovering alcoholic and last night I had a relapse.
Just putting that out there.
Anyway, the stress being generated by my "gender crisis" has been pretty overwhelming, but as a result of my latest struggle my wife has been put under an even greater amount. She does not sleep at night and she is having a hard time functioning. I mean, I even sleep at night despite what's happening to me and she suffers more than I do. It's all my fault and I feel incredibly guilty. She should not have to suffer because of me.
Last night I experienced a moment of weakness and I drank again. I'd been doing good up until this point, especially considering how things have been lately. I stayed up all night and my wife caught me drinking the the morning.
My wife told me before that if I started drinking again that things would be over between us. I assumed that my life was over and I panicked. I felt so ashamed of myself and the fact that I'd hurt her. Then I freaked out, cut myself like I used to do back in high-school and how I'm going to have to wear long sleeves to work for awhile.
She ended up taking it very well, which surprised the heck out of me. So here I am again, starting over. It's been three months since I begged for help from the VA and still no matter how much I beg and annoy them still no thereapist.
Tomorrow morning I resume, "operation pain in the ass." It's obvious that I need a healthy way to deal with my feelings and slipping back into my old habits wont help.
Just putting that out there.
Anyway, the stress being generated by my "gender crisis" has been pretty overwhelming, but as a result of my latest struggle my wife has been put under an even greater amount. She does not sleep at night and she is having a hard time functioning. I mean, I even sleep at night despite what's happening to me and she suffers more than I do. It's all my fault and I feel incredibly guilty. She should not have to suffer because of me.
Last night I experienced a moment of weakness and I drank again. I'd been doing good up until this point, especially considering how things have been lately. I stayed up all night and my wife caught me drinking the the morning.
My wife told me before that if I started drinking again that things would be over between us. I assumed that my life was over and I panicked. I felt so ashamed of myself and the fact that I'd hurt her. Then I freaked out, cut myself like I used to do back in high-school and how I'm going to have to wear long sleeves to work for awhile.
She ended up taking it very well, which surprised the heck out of me. So here I am again, starting over. It's been three months since I begged for help from the VA and still no matter how much I beg and annoy them still no thereapist.
Tomorrow morning I resume, "operation pain in the ass." It's obvious that I need a healthy way to deal with my feelings and slipping back into my old habits wont help.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Good stuff for a change.
This is something I wrote on Bigender.net but I wanted to share it here.
I think I made a small break-through. A couple days ago I realized that I had set my standards way to high regarding how I present as a female. Even though I'm in the closet and my wife is the only person who sees me in girl-mode I've been obsessing over my appearance every night, spending almost an hour each evening doing my make-up, getting dressed ect.
And then after putting so much time into my appearance I'd feel wonderful one minute and awful the next. While I always knew it, until now I couldn't except the fact that the changes to how I look are going to take a long time. I've been a guy for 32 years and unsurprisingly I kind of look like a guy. I have plans in the works to feminize myself further, but it's going to take years to get there.
Last night instead of taking forever I just threw on a girl shirt, some woman's jeans and I only put on a minimal amount of make-up on and I felt better about my presentation than I have yet. I dressed how I would normally dress instead of desperately trying to achieve a perceived feminine ideal. I looked more like a man but I felt more like a woman because I felt and looked like myself, if that makes sense.
Yeah, the dysphoria was still there and I have a lot of issues to work through but I feel like I took a step in the right direction and that made me happy.
And then after putting so much time into my appearance I'd feel wonderful one minute and awful the next. While I always knew it, until now I couldn't except the fact that the changes to how I look are going to take a long time. I've been a guy for 32 years and unsurprisingly I kind of look like a guy. I have plans in the works to feminize myself further, but it's going to take years to get there.
Last night instead of taking forever I just threw on a girl shirt, some woman's jeans and I only put on a minimal amount of make-up on and I felt better about my presentation than I have yet. I dressed how I would normally dress instead of desperately trying to achieve a perceived feminine ideal. I looked more like a man but I felt more like a woman because I felt and looked like myself, if that makes sense.
Yeah, the dysphoria was still there and I have a lot of issues to work through but I feel like I took a step in the right direction and that made me happy.
So yay! Good stuff. Also, I talked with patient advocacy at the VA today and they said that they are mailing the funding approval to see the gender therapist. (Finally!) Also, they were going to fax me a copy but by the time I left work it hadn't arrived yet. I hope it doesn't say what it's for because if someone else sees the fax before I get it I'll be outed in a very interesting way.
Tonight I also met up with some people at UCSD who want me to participate in a study on bigenderism. I love science and medicine, so I'm very excited that I have an opportunity to participate in this. Also, the opportunity to help the term "bigender" be legitimized in the medical community is something that I take very seriously. We are such a small minority. I basically told them that they could do whatever they wanted to me.
Apparently they are going to pay me. I was going to do it for free, but quite frankly I could use the money so it's a win-win situation. Tonight at the interview also marked the first time I've ever discussed my bigenderism to another person, let alone a few people. I'm already a very shy person so I was terrified but I think it went ok, and I feel stronger for having done it.
On an unrelated note, I'm a huge nerd and totally psyched that Skyrim comes out tomorrow. The Elder Scrolls is my favored game series of all time and I have it preloaded on my computer via Steam. When I get off work I'm picking up a pizza, going to sleep and waking up at 2300 to get cleaned up so I can play Skyrim when it unlocks at midnight. I'm going to play it until physical exhaustion overtakes me and I'm forced to go to sleep.
Goddamn, I'm such a nerd.
Science!
Friday, October 21, 2011
Nightmare
I've just awoken from a horrible nightmare.
In it I was younger and still living with my parents, sisters and step-brother back home in Chicago. Apparently I was out to them and I dressed up at home. (I believe that I was starting on HRT, but the details are pretty fuzzy.) It was my birthday and we were going out to a restaurant that I liked for dinner.
I guess that I was presenting as a female more and more when I went out, and that plan was that I would be female at the restaurant. With my girl cloths in my back pack I rode to the restaurant on my mountain bike so I could get there early to get dressed up in the bathroom. I felt happy and confident in my presentation, and I remember chatting with the waitresses and cracking jokes with them while I waited for my family.
Then my immediate family showed up. As well as some of my other relatives. I was not out to them and my feeling of happiness and contentment abruptly turned to shame and anger. My Grandparents, whom I love(d) dearly and who had a huge roll in my upbringing walked in, saw me, and then turned around and walked out without saying a word.
I asked my Mom, "What were you thinking? How could you do this to me?" but she didn't seem to care how I felt. My parents insisted that I didn't leave as it was my "party" and other gusts would be arriving (which was news to me) so I couldn't leave. I quickly changed back into my guy cloths and sat in a corner while everyone ignored me and had a lot of fun.
Quick background on my Grandparents; they were the most wonderful people I ever knew, but especially my Grandfather. My Dad was MIA for most of my childhood and for many years my Mom, little sisters and I lived with my grandparents. My Grandpa was the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known and as one of my cousins said to me during his funeral, "he was the only positive male role-model I've ever had".
They, like most of my family on my Mom's side, were devout Roman Catholics. I feel confidant that their response in my dream to seeing me dressed up like a girl would have been the same if it were real life. No matter how much they loved me up to that point and I loved them, it would have changed the way they felt about me forever. I don't think they would have hated me, but I'm sure they would have been disappointed in what they would have assumed was a "choice" and our relationship would have been poisoned.
I was taking a nap and my wife woke me up while I was at a point in the dream where I was heading back home alone, sobbing to myself. While the nightmare is over, it's opened my eyes to a new kind of terror that I'm going to have to face in my real life.
I've always been a big supporter of GLBT rights since I was in high school. I hate it when ANYONE is being treated unfairly. I've always been enraged when reading about the discrimination that GLBT people face and the violence that is inflicted upon so many of them just because they are being who they are. (Same goes for skin color, religion, ect.)
I've been out to myself for a few months or so now, but about half and hour ago a nightmare made me realize that I have a lot more to be afraid of then the prospect of my wife leaving me, which has been my greatest concern up to this point. I have to be afraid of other people who will hate me just for being myself, people who could be moved to actual physical violence against me for nothing I've done to them.
Now I realize that each time I come out to someone who I've known in the past or present they might suddenly hate me, just because I'm different. I've always hated discrimination, but I was a white hetro male who grew up in a nice part of town so it was as an outsider looking in. Now I find myself on the other side, and I'm suddenly feeling scared and alone.
In it I was younger and still living with my parents, sisters and step-brother back home in Chicago. Apparently I was out to them and I dressed up at home. (I believe that I was starting on HRT, but the details are pretty fuzzy.) It was my birthday and we were going out to a restaurant that I liked for dinner.
I guess that I was presenting as a female more and more when I went out, and that plan was that I would be female at the restaurant. With my girl cloths in my back pack I rode to the restaurant on my mountain bike so I could get there early to get dressed up in the bathroom. I felt happy and confident in my presentation, and I remember chatting with the waitresses and cracking jokes with them while I waited for my family.
Then my immediate family showed up. As well as some of my other relatives. I was not out to them and my feeling of happiness and contentment abruptly turned to shame and anger. My Grandparents, whom I love(d) dearly and who had a huge roll in my upbringing walked in, saw me, and then turned around and walked out without saying a word.
I asked my Mom, "What were you thinking? How could you do this to me?" but she didn't seem to care how I felt. My parents insisted that I didn't leave as it was my "party" and other gusts would be arriving (which was news to me) so I couldn't leave. I quickly changed back into my guy cloths and sat in a corner while everyone ignored me and had a lot of fun.
Quick background on my Grandparents; they were the most wonderful people I ever knew, but especially my Grandfather. My Dad was MIA for most of my childhood and for many years my Mom, little sisters and I lived with my grandparents. My Grandpa was the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known and as one of my cousins said to me during his funeral, "he was the only positive male role-model I've ever had".
They, like most of my family on my Mom's side, were devout Roman Catholics. I feel confidant that their response in my dream to seeing me dressed up like a girl would have been the same if it were real life. No matter how much they loved me up to that point and I loved them, it would have changed the way they felt about me forever. I don't think they would have hated me, but I'm sure they would have been disappointed in what they would have assumed was a "choice" and our relationship would have been poisoned.
I was taking a nap and my wife woke me up while I was at a point in the dream where I was heading back home alone, sobbing to myself. While the nightmare is over, it's opened my eyes to a new kind of terror that I'm going to have to face in my real life.
I've always been a big supporter of GLBT rights since I was in high school. I hate it when ANYONE is being treated unfairly. I've always been enraged when reading about the discrimination that GLBT people face and the violence that is inflicted upon so many of them just because they are being who they are. (Same goes for skin color, religion, ect.)
I've been out to myself for a few months or so now, but about half and hour ago a nightmare made me realize that I have a lot more to be afraid of then the prospect of my wife leaving me, which has been my greatest concern up to this point. I have to be afraid of other people who will hate me just for being myself, people who could be moved to actual physical violence against me for nothing I've done to them.
Now I realize that each time I come out to someone who I've known in the past or present they might suddenly hate me, just because I'm different. I've always hated discrimination, but I was a white hetro male who grew up in a nice part of town so it was as an outsider looking in. Now I find myself on the other side, and I'm suddenly feeling scared and alone.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Today sucked. (But that's ok.)
My lovely wife took me (well, I drove but you get the idea) to the thrift store today so we could buy me some girl cloths. I've been looking forward to this all week. It didn't go so well.
When we got there the place was packed. Not a big deal but I suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder with a mild social phobia, so that put me on edge. When we were going through the racks my wife would pick things out for me and ask me if I liked them. We were wading through a sea of humanity so it's not like I could be vocal about what "I" wanted to wear/buy.
My wife is awesome and she was trying to find stuff that she thought I'd like, but I wanted nothing more than to just run down the isles and start tearing through the female cloths like every other woman there. I know what I like, and going through the isles one item at a time was excruciating for me.
When my wife would say something to me that even hinted in the slightest that the woman's cloths we were picking out were for me I wanted to shrink into a tiny ball and disappear, least someone heard (as it was practically standing room only) and judged me.
After a while I couldn't take it any more, I panicked and we left with nothing to show for our efforts. I got so depressed that I couldn't cope with how bad I felt so I went to sleep for a while. I've had time to calm down and I feel a bit better now, but this just reinforces how isolated I am.
It also made me realize how much of said isolation is my own fault. If I was less self-conscious I could have done just what I wanted to do, other peoples opinions be damned. (Not like they were ever going to see me again.) As always, I'm my own worse enemy.
I've decided to try again. I need to "man up" (ironically) get back out there and do what I need to do. Which is in this case, buy some cheep cloths for me to wear in girl-mode. Because I'm cheap. NOT IN THAT WAY! You pig,.
When we got there the place was packed. Not a big deal but I suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder with a mild social phobia, so that put me on edge. When we were going through the racks my wife would pick things out for me and ask me if I liked them. We were wading through a sea of humanity so it's not like I could be vocal about what "I" wanted to wear/buy.
My wife is awesome and she was trying to find stuff that she thought I'd like, but I wanted nothing more than to just run down the isles and start tearing through the female cloths like every other woman there. I know what I like, and going through the isles one item at a time was excruciating for me.
When my wife would say something to me that even hinted in the slightest that the woman's cloths we were picking out were for me I wanted to shrink into a tiny ball and disappear, least someone heard (as it was practically standing room only) and judged me.
After a while I couldn't take it any more, I panicked and we left with nothing to show for our efforts. I got so depressed that I couldn't cope with how bad I felt so I went to sleep for a while. I've had time to calm down and I feel a bit better now, but this just reinforces how isolated I am.
It also made me realize how much of said isolation is my own fault. If I was less self-conscious I could have done just what I wanted to do, other peoples opinions be damned. (Not like they were ever going to see me again.) As always, I'm my own worse enemy.
I've decided to try again. I need to "man up" (ironically) get back out there and do what I need to do. Which is in this case, buy some cheep cloths for me to wear in girl-mode. Because I'm cheap. NOT IN THAT WAY! You pig,.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Blah, Monday Part 2
Ok, so it's not quite Monday yet but whatever. I'm feeling very depressed right now and I'm forcing myself to write this.
I'm so lonely. My female half is anyway. I have a classic introverted personality type, so I'm the type of person who does not need nor even want a lot of interaction with other people. I also suffer from a major depressive disorder along with a generalized anxiety disorder with social phobia. Uh, so I have issues.
What I'm trying to say is that I enjoy and need my "alone time". However, that doesn't mean that I don't like people and that I don't want to have friends. I'm just so weird that it's like I don't have anything in common with anyone I meet. Not to mention that I'm so shy that I avoid meeting people to begin with. I just never know what to say, and the more people the more overwhelmed I become. Then I get exhausted and I need to be along again to recharge my batteries.
It's something that bothers me in guy mode but I'm OK with it. In female mode however I feel like I'm desperate for someone to talk to. I want to be part of a community, to hang out with people I can relate to and share my feelings with. I don't normally crave social interaction in this way so this is hard for me to deal with. I need friends.
The girl me is trapped in the house and she does not dare leave or even draw a curtain. As a human being I cannot let anyone even know that I exist and it's killing me. So every night it's the same. In the evening after I exercise I get cleaned up and dressed up. Even though my wife is here in the house with me, I'm alone.
I'm sorry to be so down. I don't know what to do. This sucks.
I'm so lonely. My female half is anyway. I have a classic introverted personality type, so I'm the type of person who does not need nor even want a lot of interaction with other people. I also suffer from a major depressive disorder along with a generalized anxiety disorder with social phobia. Uh, so I have issues.
What I'm trying to say is that I enjoy and need my "alone time". However, that doesn't mean that I don't like people and that I don't want to have friends. I'm just so weird that it's like I don't have anything in common with anyone I meet. Not to mention that I'm so shy that I avoid meeting people to begin with. I just never know what to say, and the more people the more overwhelmed I become. Then I get exhausted and I need to be along again to recharge my batteries.
It's something that bothers me in guy mode but I'm OK with it. In female mode however I feel like I'm desperate for someone to talk to. I want to be part of a community, to hang out with people I can relate to and share my feelings with. I don't normally crave social interaction in this way so this is hard for me to deal with. I need friends.
The girl me is trapped in the house and she does not dare leave or even draw a curtain. As a human being I cannot let anyone even know that I exist and it's killing me. So every night it's the same. In the evening after I exercise I get cleaned up and dressed up. Even though my wife is here in the house with me, I'm alone.
I'm sorry to be so down. I don't know what to do. This sucks.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thinking about boobs and other random crap
Just checking in. To quickly summarize what's been going on; I cashed in all my credit card points for a bunch of Amazon gift certificates so I went on a little shopping spree. It was much needed as I don't have to many outfits for girl-mode. I got some really cute stuff so I'm very excited!
No word back from the therapist yet, I'm going to follow up on Monday. I was feeling pretty dysphoric about my body earlier but I'm better for the now. The weight loss is going better than I hoped it would and my naturally slender frame is really going to help me in my ultimate goal of passing as a woman I think.
So anyway, I've been thinking about boobs. Well, in guy mode I'm thinking about boobs all the time because I'm a horn-ball but now I'm thinking about MY boobs. I have a set of breat forms that are a large C. When I bought them I was totally clueless about size (I thought C was average and D was large) and I was supprised at how big they were when they arived.
My wife said that they looked good on me because of my body shape so I shrugged and didn't send them back. Since then I've lost a lot of weight however and now they look like porn star boobs on my quickly thinning frame. Big boobs are good, but I feel self conscious about their size.
It got me to thinking about how I would feel about them if I was born a bio-female. A lot of woman would kill for large breasts and they certainly have their social advantages. However, they stick out, get in the way and while I'm sure they attract a lot of positive attention they must generate a lot of unwanted attention as well.
As a Bigender woman I'm sure they would probobly be an issue. I can tuck my uh, junk away with a gaff so it doesn't poke out while I'm wearing a skirt, but boobs as big as mine would be a little more challenging. On the other hand in female mode sometimes I kind of like them. Breasts are one of the defining indicators of femininity after all. Even if you look a little manly if you have boobs it's an automatic "this person is a female" flag regardless.
I hope to start hormone replacement therapy soon and that may or may not result in some development of breast tissue. I really hope I at least get an A cup but while I'm sure my wife wouldn't be happy the female half of me would love to get a B. But what if I get "lucky" and I end up with big boobs somehow? Real ones that I can't take off at the end of the evening? The likelihood of this occurring is very small especially considering that I turn 34 tomorrow (11/9/11 Edit - I'm 32! What the heck was I thinking?) and the woman in my immediate family are pretty flat, but what if?
My wife is ok with everything about me starting hormones except the breast development thing, so that would be a big issue. Work would be a huge problem too. I guess I could bind but I would have to be very careful with what kind of shirts I wore and I think binding can only hide so much. I work with active duty military all day and that would be very awkward. Would I hate them in guy mode and love how feminine they made me feel/look in girl mode? Would they actually force me to come out?
So yeah. Boobs! I like em! Now that I know I'm bigender they mean a lot more to me now. Did I mention that I like boobs? Hell, I even like saying the word.
Boobies boobies boobies boobies! Ok, back to my corner now.
No word back from the therapist yet, I'm going to follow up on Monday. I was feeling pretty dysphoric about my body earlier but I'm better for the now. The weight loss is going better than I hoped it would and my naturally slender frame is really going to help me in my ultimate goal of passing as a woman I think.
So anyway, I've been thinking about boobs. Well, in guy mode I'm thinking about boobs all the time because I'm a horn-ball but now I'm thinking about MY boobs. I have a set of breat forms that are a large C. When I bought them I was totally clueless about size (I thought C was average and D was large) and I was supprised at how big they were when they arived.
My wife said that they looked good on me because of my body shape so I shrugged and didn't send them back. Since then I've lost a lot of weight however and now they look like porn star boobs on my quickly thinning frame. Big boobs are good, but I feel self conscious about their size.
It got me to thinking about how I would feel about them if I was born a bio-female. A lot of woman would kill for large breasts and they certainly have their social advantages. However, they stick out, get in the way and while I'm sure they attract a lot of positive attention they must generate a lot of unwanted attention as well.
As a Bigender woman I'm sure they would probobly be an issue. I can tuck my uh, junk away with a gaff so it doesn't poke out while I'm wearing a skirt, but boobs as big as mine would be a little more challenging. On the other hand in female mode sometimes I kind of like them. Breasts are one of the defining indicators of femininity after all. Even if you look a little manly if you have boobs it's an automatic "this person is a female" flag regardless.
I hope to start hormone replacement therapy soon and that may or may not result in some development of breast tissue. I really hope I at least get an A cup but while I'm sure my wife wouldn't be happy the female half of me would love to get a B. But what if I get "lucky" and I end up with big boobs somehow? Real ones that I can't take off at the end of the evening? The likelihood of this occurring is very small especially considering that I turn 34 tomorrow (11/9/11 Edit - I'm 32! What the heck was I thinking?) and the woman in my immediate family are pretty flat, but what if?
My wife is ok with everything about me starting hormones except the breast development thing, so that would be a big issue. Work would be a huge problem too. I guess I could bind but I would have to be very careful with what kind of shirts I wore and I think binding can only hide so much. I work with active duty military all day and that would be very awkward. Would I hate them in guy mode and love how feminine they made me feel/look in girl mode? Would they actually force me to come out?
So yeah. Boobs! I like em! Now that I know I'm bigender they mean a lot more to me now. Did I mention that I like boobs? Hell, I even like saying the word.
Boobies boobies boobies boobies! Ok, back to my corner now.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Blah, Monday
So I take an hour to get ready when I go into girl mode. (When I want to feel really pretty anyway.) I've got on my sexiest cloths, my make-up is flawless and I'm looking fine. (As fine as I could look being a guy and all.)
And now that I'm all ready for a night on the town . . .
Time to sit down at my computer and blog. Blargh.
Any-who, not much to report for today. I faxed my information to the Dr. so hopefully I will hear something soon. My experience in the Navy taught me that if you want something done in a timely manner you need to follow up aggressively on it, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Work was fine. My poor wife is sick so I picked her up a surgical mask for her to wear to class tonight. She drew a funny face on it. I love her so much.
The dysphoria has been much better than last week but hay; it's only Monday so maybe I can work another emotional crisis in around Thursday. The fact that I know some action is being taken in regards to getting me to a gender therapist/hormones is very reassuring.
Slinky black dress, fishnets, spiked collar, stilettos and no where to go. Well, it's for the best because I still haven't figured out how to walk right in high heels and I'd probably kill myself on the stairs. Seriously, I don't know how bio-females do it.
And now that I'm all ready for a night on the town . . .
Time to sit down at my computer and blog. Blargh.
Any-who, not much to report for today. I faxed my information to the Dr. so hopefully I will hear something soon. My experience in the Navy taught me that if you want something done in a timely manner you need to follow up aggressively on it, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Work was fine. My poor wife is sick so I picked her up a surgical mask for her to wear to class tonight. She drew a funny face on it. I love her so much.
The dysphoria has been much better than last week but hay; it's only Monday so maybe I can work another emotional crisis in around Thursday. The fact that I know some action is being taken in regards to getting me to a gender therapist/hormones is very reassuring.
Slinky black dress, fishnets, spiked collar, stilettos and no where to go. Well, it's for the best because I still haven't figured out how to walk right in high heels and I'd probably kill myself on the stairs. Seriously, I don't know how bio-females do it.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Good weekend, good news
I had a lovely time this weekend up in Big Bear with my wife attending the little horror film festival they had up there. My wife used to live there and I love it up there too, so it's always fun to visit no matter what's going on. (And I love me some monster movies!) We saw some really great independent films, ate delicious food and stayed at a shit hotel, but hay; no weekend is perfect.
The BIG news is that Saturday night my psychiatrist finally called me back and on Monday morning I'm faxing him the info for the gender therapist I want to see and he's going to submit the funding request right away.
YAY!!!11!!eleventyOne~!!
I was so happy when I got off the phone that I wanted to grab my toes and spin around in my chair like a little kid. This therapist has gotten referrals from the VA before so it shouldn't be a problem.A very special thank you to MoralAnimal from the Bigender.net http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php forums for recommending said therapist. You're my hero!
So things are looking up. I'm still super tempted to start hormones by myself but I just need to be patient for what will hopefully by just a little while longer. Speaking of hormones, a couple years or so ago my body almost completely stopped producing testosterone and now I have to give myself an injection once every two weeks. (I had the T level of an 80 year old man!) The endocrinologist still can't figure out why. Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is that I decided not to take it this week. I'll start again if/when I begin to get run down like I was beffore, but I'm going to only take as much as nessesary untill I can get on estrogen.
Now I thought it would be fun to write out my current goals in regards to my feminisation. Later I'll be able to check up on them and see how far I've progressed. I'm not transsexual or transgender, I'm bigender so I don't want to go full female transition. I do however identify with my female side a bit more than my male so I really want to do everything I can to feminize myself short of not being able to pass a as a male. Soooo, in order of most urgent to least -
1. Start on hormone replacement therapy. I cannot stress how critical this is to me right now.
2. Continue to lose weight. The day I figured out that I was bigender I weighed 215 pounds and I'm 6'1. Now I weigh 199 and I'm starting to see a major difference. My goal is to get to 165 and then reassess. Woman come in all shapes and sizes and there's nothing wrong with not being skinny as long as you're still healthy. I feel very strongly that I need to be as slender as I can while still getting all the proper nutrients of course. They say that on hormones you should expect to gain 10 pounds, so maybe I'll have to lose more. Then again, if those 10 pounds go to my ass and breasts that would be ok!
3. Laser facial resurfacing or dermabrasion. I had terrible acne in the past and it left my face pretty scared up. As a guy I don't like it but I can live with it. As a woman though I can't stand it. This should give me a much more feminine complexion and reduce my dysphoria plus bringing me closer to my ultimate goal as passing as female when I go out. (When I'm in female mode that is.)
That's all for now, I'm sure I have more to add to that list but it's getting late and I'll have to get washed up soon. One of the problems of being female that I never thought about as a male is that women need time to wash off all their damn makeup before going to sleep.
"This wasn't part of the deeeeeeeeeeeal!"
Ok, I'm better now. Good night!
The BIG news is that Saturday night my psychiatrist finally called me back and on Monday morning I'm faxing him the info for the gender therapist I want to see and he's going to submit the funding request right away.
YAY!!!11!!eleventyOne~!!
I was so happy when I got off the phone that I wanted to grab my toes and spin around in my chair like a little kid. This therapist has gotten referrals from the VA before so it shouldn't be a problem.A very special thank you to MoralAnimal from the Bigender.net http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php forums for recommending said therapist. You're my hero!
So things are looking up. I'm still super tempted to start hormones by myself but I just need to be patient for what will hopefully by just a little while longer. Speaking of hormones, a couple years or so ago my body almost completely stopped producing testosterone and now I have to give myself an injection once every two weeks. (I had the T level of an 80 year old man!) The endocrinologist still can't figure out why. Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is that I decided not to take it this week. I'll start again if/when I begin to get run down like I was beffore, but I'm going to only take as much as nessesary untill I can get on estrogen.
Now I thought it would be fun to write out my current goals in regards to my feminisation. Later I'll be able to check up on them and see how far I've progressed. I'm not transsexual or transgender, I'm bigender so I don't want to go full female transition. I do however identify with my female side a bit more than my male so I really want to do everything I can to feminize myself short of not being able to pass a as a male. Soooo, in order of most urgent to least -
1. Start on hormone replacement therapy. I cannot stress how critical this is to me right now.
2. Continue to lose weight. The day I figured out that I was bigender I weighed 215 pounds and I'm 6'1. Now I weigh 199 and I'm starting to see a major difference. My goal is to get to 165 and then reassess. Woman come in all shapes and sizes and there's nothing wrong with not being skinny as long as you're still healthy. I feel very strongly that I need to be as slender as I can while still getting all the proper nutrients of course. They say that on hormones you should expect to gain 10 pounds, so maybe I'll have to lose more. Then again, if those 10 pounds go to my ass and breasts that would be ok!
3. Laser facial resurfacing or dermabrasion. I had terrible acne in the past and it left my face pretty scared up. As a guy I don't like it but I can live with it. As a woman though I can't stand it. This should give me a much more feminine complexion and reduce my dysphoria plus bringing me closer to my ultimate goal as passing as female when I go out. (When I'm in female mode that is.)
That's all for now, I'm sure I have more to add to that list but it's getting late and I'll have to get washed up soon. One of the problems of being female that I never thought about as a male is that women need time to wash off all their damn makeup before going to sleep.
"This wasn't part of the deeeeeeeeeeeal!"
Ok, I'm better now. Good night!
Friday, September 30, 2011
About last night . . .
Wow, so last night I was falling apart but today I feel relatively fine. (If not tired from staying up so late.) While I'm feeling pretty depressed in guy mode (which I'm in now) when I'm in girl mode sometimes the dysphoria is unbearable.
I'm currently trying to get on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but my psychiatrist is shit and he's not returning my calls. Monday morning I'm going to call my regular Doc (who is awesome) and try to get her to help me.
I'm a military vet and I get all my care from the VA. My plan is to get the hormones from them and to also get refereed out to see a gender therapist. I have a fun weekend planned so I'll report when I return.
<Sigh> One day at a time.
I'm currently trying to get on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but my psychiatrist is shit and he's not returning my calls. Monday morning I'm going to call my regular Doc (who is awesome) and try to get her to help me.
I'm a military vet and I get all my care from the VA. My plan is to get the hormones from them and to also get refereed out to see a gender therapist. I have a fun weekend planned so I'll report when I return.
<Sigh> One day at a time.
Ack! Part one.
Sooo, it's time to go to bed and my wife is not attracted to me. While I shouldn't be offended as she married a male I still can't help but feel. . . ugly. It's so stupid. Not her, but the way I'm responding.
When I'm in female mode I'm still me. I'm still the same person with the same goals and the same desires. I just present differently. For those of you who are not bigender or transgender this might not make any sense. I'm not going to bother trying to explain it right now, but maybe another time.
Anyway, I told her how good she looks, (and she looks incredible) and she told me in no uncertain terms that she's not comfortable with me "hitting on her" as a woman. So if I dress different and I use a lower voice it will be ok? She has put up with so much I shouldn't be so upset, but I feel very rejected and hurt. I feel so ugly.
I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I would die without her and when I'm presenting as a woman I know that she doesn't love me like she used too. (If at all.) It's not her fault but it's not mine either. I didn't ask for this. I wish I was just a regular guy and I didn't feel like I do but I cant help it.
My wife has made me into a better person and she has always been my anchor. My greatest fear in the world is that this will cause such a big rift between us that it will break up apart and I will loose her. If I could I would go back to how I used to be, but that would be choosing between going crazy and committing suicide or loosing the only person who means anything to me and probably offing myself anyway. I feel like no matter what I do I'm doomed and I'm scared.
I have to go to bed now but I think it will be another sleepless night. I love my wife more than ever, but I feel so alone in the world. I have no one to turn to and I feel like I'm a spectator watching my life fall apart. Shit, this sucks so bad.
We are going away for the weekend to a little film festival up in Big-Bear so that should be fun. Things are so crappy now I hope this weekend goes ok. I would sell my soul to make her happy but I can't change who I am. I'm thinking that as a temporary solution I'll repress my "girly" side and try to present only after she goes to bed.
Crap, that wont work. I'm so lost. My shrink hasn't returned any of my calls either. My only hope right now is that my regular doctor will be able to refer me to the gender specialist that an awesome person on the Bigender Forums http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php refereed me to.
Sorry this was so depressive but it's not like I'm doing this for anyone other than me. I'm hopeful that someday in the future I'll be able to post more positive entries.
When I'm in female mode I'm still me. I'm still the same person with the same goals and the same desires. I just present differently. For those of you who are not bigender or transgender this might not make any sense. I'm not going to bother trying to explain it right now, but maybe another time.
Anyway, I told her how good she looks, (and she looks incredible) and she told me in no uncertain terms that she's not comfortable with me "hitting on her" as a woman. So if I dress different and I use a lower voice it will be ok? She has put up with so much I shouldn't be so upset, but I feel very rejected and hurt. I feel so ugly.
I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I would die without her and when I'm presenting as a woman I know that she doesn't love me like she used too. (If at all.) It's not her fault but it's not mine either. I didn't ask for this. I wish I was just a regular guy and I didn't feel like I do but I cant help it.
My wife has made me into a better person and she has always been my anchor. My greatest fear in the world is that this will cause such a big rift between us that it will break up apart and I will loose her. If I could I would go back to how I used to be, but that would be choosing between going crazy and committing suicide or loosing the only person who means anything to me and probably offing myself anyway. I feel like no matter what I do I'm doomed and I'm scared.
I have to go to bed now but I think it will be another sleepless night. I love my wife more than ever, but I feel so alone in the world. I have no one to turn to and I feel like I'm a spectator watching my life fall apart. Shit, this sucks so bad.
We are going away for the weekend to a little film festival up in Big-Bear so that should be fun. Things are so crappy now I hope this weekend goes ok. I would sell my soul to make her happy but I can't change who I am. I'm thinking that as a temporary solution I'll repress my "girly" side and try to present only after she goes to bed.
Crap, that wont work. I'm so lost. My shrink hasn't returned any of my calls either. My only hope right now is that my regular doctor will be able to refer me to the gender specialist that an awesome person on the Bigender Forums http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php refereed me to.
Sorry this was so depressive but it's not like I'm doing this for anyone other than me. I'm hopeful that someday in the future I'll be able to post more positive entries.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
First!
Jello! Since I came to the realization that I was bigendered a few months back my life has been undergoing some rapid and profound changes. In an attempt to put things in perspective and to document this new chapter in my life I've decided to start a journal.
I'm doing this for myself as a way to express my thoughts and emotions regarding what is to me a very personal, private and sensitive topic, but if any one else out there get's anything out of this project than that would be wonderful.
I have a lot to say so hopefully there will be many posts forthcoming. Thank you for reading!
I'm doing this for myself as a way to express my thoughts and emotions regarding what is to me a very personal, private and sensitive topic, but if any one else out there get's anything out of this project than that would be wonderful.
I have a lot to say so hopefully there will be many posts forthcoming. Thank you for reading!
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