Dreams part 2

I can't take it any more.

Today sucked. It sucked really bad. I can hardly formulate a sentence right now.

I may be bigender, but I'm incapable of being happy or comfortable in my male body any longer. I keep going back and forth, over and over again. When I'm in male mode I'm never happy.

One trend that's been obvious to me is that when I present as female everything changes for me. I don't look in the mirror and hate the way I look, I'm happy with my body, my cloths are comfortable and damn if I don't clean up nice with some makeup.  

I still hate the male secondary traits, but I've never hated the female ones that have developed so far. The more female I look the happier I am.

When I'm in female mode AND presenting as female I feel like I can relax and be myself. I like to laugh, make jokes and dance. I'm actually comfortable in my body, while presenting as male I feel like I'm about to squirm out of my skin.

You can probably see where this is going.

For a while I thought I was going to transition but then I decided against it as I keep flipping back to male mode. However, I'm not fucking happy with my male body. The notion of continuing on this way for the rest of my life is unacceptable and it's driving me into a depression that threatens to overwhelm me. It almost has a few times already and I don't want to go back to the hospital again.

So I have revised my plans.

I'm going to start electrolysis next paycheck. I get paid in two days. My gender therapist gave me a card for someone that some of her patients were really happy with. I will call them after work to schedule an appointment.

As soon as possible I'm going to try and move out to Hillcrest, the gay district of San Diego. If I can get a roommate to share the costs, I can rent out the room I sleep in now and use it to pay my part of the rent. I've talked with my wife about this plan and she thinks it's a good idea. If we can't rent out the room then I can still pull it off, but I wont be able to save much money at all and I really NEED to be saving my money at this time.

If the getting a roommate plan doesn’t work out, then I can just stay where I am now for the time being. Once my wife has steady work I will sign the mortgage over to her and get my own apartment out in Hillcrest. While I wait for that to happen I can at least still get electro.

I want to live in Hillcrest because as soon as I can get a bit more confidant in myself, I want to start living part time as a female. Hillcrest will be the most forgiving neighborhood for this, and it's where I'll be harassed the least. (Hopefully.)

The money I'll be saving by living frugally will pay for the electrolysis, and some will also go into a second fund. My goal is to have round two of laser resurfacing no latter than 6 months from this date. Then there will be a recovery period for at lest 3 months before I make any further decisions.

I will join a trans support group of some sort. I was worried about doing so before because I'm bigender but fuck it. I desperately need to meet more people like me. 

By this time I shall have my voice, walk and female gestures down. Then I will take a good hard look at myself and reassess.

If I'm still not happy with my complexion I will have to save up for one more round of resurfacing. I don't this this will be the case, but you never know.

If I am, then I will ask myself if I'm really ready to go full time, and if this is how I want to live the rest of my life. If so, the next thing I will do is FFS, the first procedure being forehead re-contouring, hair line decent and eye brow lift plus trachea shave.

After surgery there will be a huge change in my appearance and I will start to live full time. Then I can save up for the nose-job/jaw FFS. Once I'm happy with my face I'll take care of my boobs if necessary. As for SRS, I'm fine for now. That may change at some point, so I'm keeping that in mind.

The good thing about this plan is that I really don't have to make any major commitment until my first FFS. That's not going to be for a while and it gives me plenty of time to work things out. However, now I at least have a plan. 

Of course, this is very much like my old plan when I thought I was going to fully transition and then I decided against it. I no longer have any choice. I am Bigender. However, while I may flip back and forth between male and female I'm now 100% confident that I will never be happy until I can present and blend in as a woman. 

So there you have it, back to Transbigenderqueer or whatever I am. At least I'll die in the right body.

Paige Abendroth.

Thinking about boobs and other random crap

Just checking in.  To quickly summarize what's been going on; I cashed in all my credit card points for a bunch of Amazon gift certificates so I went on a little shopping spree. It was much needed as I don't have to many outfits for girl-mode.  I got some really cute stuff so I'm very excited!

No word back from the therapist yet, I'm going to follow up on Monday.  I was feeling pretty dysphoric about my body earlier but I'm better for the now.  The weight loss is going better than I hoped it would and my naturally slender frame is really going to help me in my ultimate goal of passing as a woman I think.

So anyway, I've been thinking about boobs.  Well, in guy mode I'm thinking about boobs all the time because I'm a horn-ball but now I'm thinking about MY boobs.  I have a set of breat forms that are a large C.  When I bought them I was totally clueless about size (I thought C was average and D was large) and I was supprised at how big they were when they arived.

My wife said that they looked good on me because of my body shape so I shrugged and didn't send them back.  Since then I've lost a lot of weight however and now they look like porn star boobs on my quickly thinning frame.  Big boobs are good, but I feel self conscious about their size.

It got me to thinking about how I would feel about them if I was born a bio-female.  A lot of woman would kill for large breasts and they certainly have their social advantages.  However, they stick out, get in the way and while I'm sure they attract a lot of positive attention they must generate a lot of unwanted attention as well.

As a Bigender woman I'm sure they would probobly be an issue.  I can tuck my uh, junk away with a gaff so it doesn't poke out while I'm wearing a skirt, but boobs as big as mine would be a little more challenging.  On the other hand in female mode sometimes I kind of like them.  Breasts are one of the defining indicators of femininity after all.  Even if you look a little manly if you have boobs it's an automatic "this person is a female" flag regardless.

I hope to start hormone replacement therapy soon and that may or may not result in some development of breast tissue.  I really hope I at least get an A cup but while I'm sure my wife wouldn't be happy the female half of me would love to get a B.  But what if I get "lucky" and I end up with big boobs somehow?  Real ones that I can't take off at the end of the evening?  The likelihood of this occurring is very small especially considering that I turn 34 tomorrow (11/9/11 Edit - I'm 32!  What the heck was I thinking?) and the woman in my immediate family are pretty flat, but what if?

My wife is ok with everything about me starting hormones except the breast development thing, so that would be a big issue.  Work would be a huge problem too.  I guess I could bind but I would have to be very careful with what kind of shirts I wore and I think binding can only hide so much.  I work with active duty military all day and that would be very awkward.  Would I hate them in guy mode and love how feminine they made me feel/look in girl mode?  Would they actually force me to come out?

So yeah.  Boobs!  I like em!  Now that I know I'm bigender they mean a lot more to me now.  Did I mention that I like boobs?  Hell, I even like saying the word.

Boobies boobies boobies boobies!  Ok, back to my corner now.