I'm in 100% girl mode for the third strait day now. This afternoon we had a going away luncheon for one of our staff members at work. My dysphoria was already bad, but when we all met up at the restaurant I damn near had a panic attack. My body and mind are completely out of sync. While I know that while no one looking at me and could possibly know what was going through my head, my brain kept(s) screaming, "I'm a girl" over and over again and I became convinced that my coworkers were going to look at me see how I felt. (That sounds odd but it's the best way I could describe it.)
I was able to come home early only to find my wife distraught, as while we spend all our time together I'm really 100 miles away in my mind, desperately trying to come to grips with whatever the hell I am and am becoming.
She told me, "It's like you're disappearing". I sort of feel like that, but it's more like the masculine part of me is disappearing and in it's place, well, I don't know. I don't want to lose my wife, and I don't want her to lose the person she fell in love with and married.
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