Sunday, October 9, 2011

Blah, Monday Part 2

Ok, so it's not quite Monday yet but whatever.  I'm feeling very depressed right now and I'm forcing myself to write this.

I'm so lonely.  My female half is anyway.  I have a classic introverted personality type, so I'm the type of person who does not need nor even want a lot of interaction with other people.  I also suffer from a major depressive disorder along with a generalized anxiety disorder with social phobia.  Uh, so I have issues.

What I'm trying to say is that I enjoy and need my "alone time".  However, that doesn't mean that I don't like people and that I don't want to have friends.  I'm just so weird that it's like I don't have anything in common with anyone I meet.  Not to mention that I'm so shy that I avoid meeting people to begin with.  I just never know what to say, and the more people the more overwhelmed I become.  Then I get exhausted and I need to be along again to recharge my batteries.

It's something that bothers me in guy mode but I'm OK with it.  In female mode however I feel like I'm desperate for someone to talk to.  I want to be part of a community, to hang out with people I can relate to and share my feelings with.  I don't normally crave social interaction in this way so this is hard for me to deal with.  I need friends.

The girl me is trapped in the house and she does not dare leave or even draw a curtain.  As a human being I cannot let anyone even know that I exist and it's killing me.  So every night it's the same.  In the evening after I exercise I get cleaned up and dressed up.  Even though my wife is here in the house with me, I'm alone.

I'm sorry to be so down.  I don't know what to do.  This sucks.

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