This has been a VERY turbulent year for me. Just reading through my blog posts goes to show how emotionally volatile I've been. My world has been turned upside down and my long journey has just begun. I have no idea where the path will lead me, but I know that it will be hard, I will be hurt and I will hurt the people that I love, just to find some semblance of balance and peace within myself. I have no choice in this.
I just want to be a average cisgender guy. That's never going to happen though and I have to accept the fact that the proverbial Genie is out of the bottle and now there's no going back to how things used to be. I'm a very queer, bigendered pansexual person who favors my female side. Soon I will be on hormones to develop secondary female sex characteristics.
Many bigendered persons say that hormones balanced out their female side and their quality of life improved. I've heard from transgender people that when you go on hormones you figure out whether or not you really want to transition.
What if I want to go all the way? I feel like "guy mode" is more and more just a front I've established over time in order to conform to the male cisgender stereotype. In reality I'm very feminine, and if I acted "normally" in my day to day life I would be subject to hostile discrimination.
This is a scarey time, but despite all that's happening to me I still think that I'm very fortunate.
I have a roof over my head and I'm able to pay the bills on time.
I'm married to the most wonderful woman on the planet.
My health, well there's been problems. However, for the most part I'm healthy and I'm not dead yet.
I have a steady job with good benefits and a great boss.
I have two cats. This might seem trivial but I love animals and they mean the world to me.
Despite my world being torn apart by my gender issues I'm very blessed. I'm very thankful for the lot I've been dealt, and I'll try to remain mindful of it. What are you thankful for?
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