I'm a recovering alcoholic and last night I had a relapse.
Just putting that out there.
Anyway, the stress being generated by my "gender crisis" has been pretty overwhelming, but as a result of my latest struggle my wife has been put under an even greater amount. She does not sleep at night and she is having a hard time functioning. I mean, I even sleep at night despite what's happening to me and she suffers more than I do. It's all my fault and I feel incredibly guilty. She should not have to suffer because of me.
Last night I experienced a moment of weakness and I drank again. I'd been doing good up until this point, especially considering how things have been lately. I stayed up all night and my wife caught me drinking the the morning.
My wife told me before that if I started drinking again that things would be over between us. I assumed that my life was over and I panicked. I felt so ashamed of myself and the fact that I'd hurt her. Then I freaked out, cut myself like I used to do back in high-school and how I'm going to have to wear long sleeves to work for awhile.
She ended up taking it very well, which surprised the heck out of me. So here I am again, starting over. It's been three months since I begged for help from the VA and still no matter how much I beg and annoy them still no thereapist.
Tomorrow morning I resume, "operation pain in the ass." It's obvious that I need a healthy way to deal with my feelings and slipping back into my old habits wont help.
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