“If I could have chosen, I would have
been born a woman.”
So I've written about the lead singer
of Against Me coming out as trans already, but I have a lot more that
I need to day about it.
I've already mentioned their song “The
Ocean”, which is basically Laura, (the lead singer) screaming out
to the world about her pain and desire to be the woman that she
always has been. It's my new favorite song. Yesterday in 100% girl
mode it actually made me realize something. Here is the second
verse.
“If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman
My mother once told me she would have named me Laura
I would grow up to be strong and beautiful like her
One day I’d find an honest man to make my husband
We would have two children, build our home on the Gulf of Mexico
Our family would spend hot summer days at the beach together
The sun would kiss our skin as we played in the sand and water
We would know we loved each other without having to say it
At night we would sleep with the windows of our house left open
Letting the cool ocean air soothe the sunburned shoulders of our children.”
Those are the most poignant and
beautiful words I’ve ever read. While listening to the song for
like the 10th time that afternoon it suddenly dawned upon
me.
I'll never have a man flirt with me.
I'll never be swept off my feet. I'll never have a man (or anyone)
awkwardly ask me out on a date. No one will take me to the movies or
to a nice Italian restaurant. No one will ever surprise me with my
favorite flowers. No one will ever make the first move on me, and
therefore I won't be able to let him.
No one will ever get down on one knee
and profess their love for me. No one will think I'm beautiful, even
when I wake up in the morning and I look like a wreck. No one will
make me his wife. I'll never be able to take care of the house while
he goes to work, and I won't be able to run errands, do the shopping,
exercise so I look good for him, clean the house and then cook a kick
ass healthy meal for him so that when he get's home he can relax for
a bit and we can spend some time together. When we're getting tired
he'll never hold me in his strong arms and make me feel safe and
wanted, and he won't kiss me like he needs to have me, and he wont
lead me into the bedroom.
I will never be able to have children.
I won't have an opportunity to dedicate me life to them, and I wont
see them take their first awkward steps into the world. I'll never
be able to call my husband at work to tell him that our child’s
first words were, “Da, da”. I like to think that he would try to
sound strong, but his voice would crack at some point and I would
love him more than ever before.
I'll never be able to take them to
school for the first time and cry as they enter the building. I
won't watch them grow older and watch them as they become
individuals. I'll never see them grow into teenagers and reject me
as the enemy, and I won't be able to love them more for it. I wont
be able to take on a new job to help pay for their collage, and I
won't be there when they leave home to become adults.
Some day perhaps they would settle down
and make a family of their own and then they would let me know that I
was a good mother. If they chose to have children I would be a
grandma and I would spoil the hell out of my grand-kids. Then my
children would understand that all I ever did in my life was for
them, and we would be closer than ever.
I would grow old and slow with my
husband and I would give thanks every day that I was his wife. And
when we both neared the end of our lives I would care for him, and
even when the pain was awful I would cry tears of sadness for how
much he was suffering, and tears of joy that I was so blessed to have
been a part of his life, and that he loved me.
But I'm fucking bigender.
I'll never have any of that. It's hard
enough for transsexuals to find a good partner who they can be open
with, and here I am Bigender; not one gender nor the other. I can't
transition to the other sex as my gender is in a constant state of
flux. Who could love a person that is both a man and a woman?
Until last night I didn’t think I
wanted those things in my life. I thought that said gender roles
were ridiculous and outdated. But here I am tonight, wanting nothing
more in the whole world, and dreading the moment when I flip back
into male mode and I'll loose this part of me. I just want
everything to stay like it is now forever.
Every day I die.
Paige
