I think I made a small break-through. A couple days ago I realized that I had set my standards way to high regarding how I present as a female. Even though I'm in the closet and my wife is the only person who sees me in girl-mode I've been obsessing over my appearance every night, spending almost an hour each evening doing my make-up, getting dressed ect.
And then after putting so much time into my appearance I'd feel wonderful one minute and awful the next. While I always knew it, until now I couldn't except the fact that the changes to how I look are going to take a long time. I've been a guy for 32 years and unsurprisingly I kind of look like a guy. I have plans in the works to feminize myself further, but it's going to take years to get there.
Last night instead of taking forever I just threw on a girl shirt, some woman's jeans and I only put on a minimal amount of make-up on and I felt better about my presentation than I have yet. I dressed how I would normally dress instead of desperately trying to achieve a perceived feminine ideal. I looked more like a man but I felt more like a woman because I felt and looked like myself, if that makes sense.
Yeah, the dysphoria was still there and I have a lot of issues to work through but I feel like I took a step in the right direction and that made me happy.
And then after putting so much time into my appearance I'd feel wonderful one minute and awful the next. While I always knew it, until now I couldn't except the fact that the changes to how I look are going to take a long time. I've been a guy for 32 years and unsurprisingly I kind of look like a guy. I have plans in the works to feminize myself further, but it's going to take years to get there.
Last night instead of taking forever I just threw on a girl shirt, some woman's jeans and I only put on a minimal amount of make-up on and I felt better about my presentation than I have yet. I dressed how I would normally dress instead of desperately trying to achieve a perceived feminine ideal. I looked more like a man but I felt more like a woman because I felt and looked like myself, if that makes sense.
Yeah, the dysphoria was still there and I have a lot of issues to work through but I feel like I took a step in the right direction and that made me happy.
So yay! Good stuff. Also, I talked with patient advocacy at the VA today and they said that they are mailing the funding approval to see the gender therapist. (Finally!) Also, they were going to fax me a copy but by the time I left work it hadn't arrived yet. I hope it doesn't say what it's for because if someone else sees the fax before I get it I'll be outed in a very interesting way.
Tonight I also met up with some people at UCSD who want me to participate in a study on bigenderism. I love science and medicine, so I'm very excited that I have an opportunity to participate in this. Also, the opportunity to help the term "bigender" be legitimized in the medical community is something that I take very seriously. We are such a small minority. I basically told them that they could do whatever they wanted to me.
Apparently they are going to pay me. I was going to do it for free, but quite frankly I could use the money so it's a win-win situation. Tonight at the interview also marked the first time I've ever discussed my bigenderism to another person, let alone a few people. I'm already a very shy person so I was terrified but I think it went ok, and I feel stronger for having done it.
On an unrelated note, I'm a huge nerd and totally psyched that Skyrim comes out tomorrow. The Elder Scrolls is my favored game series of all time and I have it preloaded on my computer via Steam. When I get off work I'm picking up a pizza, going to sleep and waking up at 2300 to get cleaned up so I can play Skyrim when it unlocks at midnight. I'm going to play it until physical exhaustion overtakes me and I'm forced to go to sleep.
Goddamn, I'm such a nerd.
Science!
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