I've reconciled the conflicting gender identity’s within myself and I now identify as just “Page”, but when I say that I mean that both of the perceived male and female aspects of my personality have come together and there is no longer any major gender conflict.
It got so bad for a while that I was thinking that one part of me was working against the other, and I was starting to view male mode and Page as two distinct entities. Really, the conflict was being generated by my inability to accept myself as female, which I am. I felt like I was being assaulted by my female half: like she was waging physiological warfare against the male part of me in order to take over.
Really though, it's just who I am, and I accept that now, with all the nightmarish implications that go along with it. I'm not going to rush things and I am going to try my best to take my transition as slow as possible. I've accepted that I can and very likely will loose everything that I currently hold dear in order to do this, but I can't go on living as a male any longer.
My dysphoria has been overwhelming the past few days. I hate my male body sooo much, and I resent the fact that at this point I can't pass as female, so I'm stuck living this lie. I have to try and find a way to hold out just a bit longer.
Some positive news, I ordered a feminine voice training program from deepstealth.com, and I'm REALLY looking forward to getting that ball rolling. My laser resurfacing will be next month sometime in April. My acne scaring is my number one cause of dysphoria, and once I've healed up from the procedure I plan on finally going out en femme. This (the laser) is the next big step in my transition (as I've mentioned before) and I'm very excited about it. I only wish that I could do it sooner, but I've been stuck as a man for this long, so I suppose I can wait a bit longer. (As if I had a choice.)
Once I've healed, I plan on working on my presentation, and when the time is right, only presenting as a man while at work. (Most ladies seem to say that one should come out at work last, which is what I plan to do if possible.) Once I'm at that point (where I am reasonably comfortable with my presentation) I also plan on joining a trans support group. It will be great to meet other people like me, and quite frankly I desperately need the support right now. I'm barley able to keep it together as is.
My next step after laser will be electrolysis once my face has sufficiently healed. Then while that is going on I need to save my pennies for forehead recontouring, an eyebrow lift and a tracheal shave. After that – who knows? I don't want to put anything into stone, but those are the things that I feel need to happen at this point.
It's funny; I had everything I ever wanted out of life, and I used to think I would be dead before I was 26. I worked hard, turned my life around and married the perfect woman for me. Then – SUPPRISE! You're a tranny! Kiss your life and everything important to you good by!
It's hard not to hate myself. I keep repeating my mantra, “I love myself and I love all other sentient beings” in my head, but that which once comforted me now rings hollow. I don’t love myself at ALL. Things have to change before I can't take it anymore. I have to be myself or I wont be able to last much longer.
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