Well, it's the second time I've done this now and I'm more prepared but it's still hard. Going through puberty as a male was hell and testosterone wrecked havoc on my face, mental health and my body. Estrogen however, is treating me fairly kindly. As a teenager there are all kinds of neural pathways that are being finalized during puberty also which makes things even more confusing, but I'm all old and stuff now so I get to skip that part. I think.
The thing is that there is a very limited amount of research regarding transgender people and the effect that HRT has on them at a biochemical and/or neurological level. (At least to the best of my admittedly limited knowledge.) MTF folks have reported changes in mood, sexuality, levels of empathy, feeling more forgetful then they were before, as well and liking different activities and abandoning other behavioral patterns that they used to enjoy partaking in before HRT.
I have immersed myself in trans literature since I accepted my true nature, and almost everything I've read thus far regarding Transition is based upon anecdotal evidence. Being scientifically minded this bugs the shit out of me. Hormones are extremely powerful and they can have profound effects upon a persons mind and body. It would seem to me that MTF and FTM persons who are in transition would be excellent subjects for studies regarding left/right brained gender based neurological studies. But hay, I was in the behavior disorder class from seventh grade till I graduated high school, so what do I know. (At least they let me out for all my art and literature classes. =P )
So yeah, I'm a 12 year old girl right now. Except I'm also a 32 year old bio-male. It's complicated.
My dysphoiria is soul crushing. Almost everything about my body is still wrong. I basically identify primarily as female, but when I look in the mirror I just see and ugly dude looking back at me and it hurts like hell. My appearance has become MUCH more feminine, but still I don't look female enough that I could ever pass as one, and I am stuck playing this game at work and in public where I have to conform to my assigned gender lest I be ridiculed for being myself, or worse.
It's gotten so bad recently. Last night I made a pretty positive post. Afterwords I started having some bad (but practical IMO) thoughts and the next thing I knew I was in the shower with the water blasting as hot as I could get it, curled up into a ball on the floor and sobbing uncontrollably. I cried for two hours and I couldn’t stop. I eventually got so emotionally drained that I had to go to sleep. I had nothing left in me.
This happens a lot.
Who am I? WTF am I? How do I explain this to the people I love and respect? When I do, how do I accept the fact that they no longer want anything to do with me at best? I work in a machismo cultured work environment where I am afraid that I will no longer be taken seriously if I present as female. Not to mention that I'm so socially fucking awkward as it is that I can hardly communicate with people I know no matter how much I want to. I just stutter and make a fool of myself. Now I have to contend with being judged by everyone that I come in contact with.
I am terrified of conflict and I just want to make everyone happy so they like me or at least ignore me. I am about to draw a whole bunch of attention to myself and I don't know if I can handle it. I have never felt so alone before in my life.
Trying to end this post on a positive note – my awesome gender therapist has recommended to me that I start going to the “Coming Out Group” at The Center and I think it's a great idea. I will probably meet a lot of people who are in similar situations as me and this is a good gateway to the San Diego LGBT community, which I really want to get involved with. After I get my face burned off and I heal I'm going. I'm desperate to make new friends and to find my place in the community.
Anyway, I know that no one reads my obscure little blog but in the event that you are also Bigender and looking for reassurance in regard to your gender identity please note that most male-assigned-at birth folk seem to take well to hormones. They feel less dysphoria and they report a sense of resonance between their female and male half. So please note that my gender identity issues are not the norm.
I'm different, but I always have been so whatever. Let's see where life takes me. I try so hard to be optimistic, but when looking toward the future all I see is heartbreak, personal wreckage, pain and eternal loneliness. Then again, I believe that we forge our own destiny. Despite all the crap that I've been through up to this point I'm still kicking and screaming. Hell, I thought that I would be dead by 26 and here I am today all responsible and in excellent health.
I can still forge a life for myself no matter what happens. Fates be damned - I make my own luck.
Page J. Abendroth
P.S. - I AM the personification of the “Socially Awkward Penguin” meme. http://www.quickmeme.com/Socially-Awkward-Penguin/
Hi, Page! I found your blog through the bigender.net forum. I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. Connecting with others who are going through similar experiences is a huge help - it certainly has helped me. I hope that the people around you will see how much happier you are with yourself and your transition, and be happy for you because of it. You're doing what's best for *you* and that's what matters most.
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