I've been waiting a while to post because I wanted to have stuff to write about and now I wonder if I will have enough time to say everything that I want too. So is life. Things have been pretty eventful as of late. In mostly a good way.
I have locked in a date for my laser resurfacing – March 30th at 0800. I am sooo excited and nervous at the same time. This is the next milestone for me in my transition and it also addresses a very personal self-image issue that I've had since I was in my early teens when my body betrayed me.
In retrospect I think that something went wrong in utero and I was really supposed to be born female. Testosterone has done nothing but wreck havoc on my body. Since I got on estrogen and spiro my acne has gone away, I feel better about everything, I'm not nearly as depressed as I used to be, (not counting the gender dysphoria, which is as bad as ever) and I feel more grounded and centered than I ever have been in the past.
I am trying to have low expeditions so that I'm not disappointed with the outcome of my surgery, (it's not going to make me look like I have always had flawless skin) but at the same time it's soooo important to me that I can't help to imagine what I will look like when I have fully recovered. This is a huge goal post in my transition plan. After I am healed I start electro and save for my up for first round of FFS. If I decide to go the FFS route, then it will mean that I've committed to a full transition.
Which reminds me of another issue that I'm dealing with at the moment. My gender therapist is shocked at how different I look after three months on a relatively low dose of hormones. Quite frankly when I look in the mirror I am too. I suspected that I would take well to estrogen well but not THIS well. On one hand I am super happy. On the other I'm scared.
I am bigender. While the gender equivalent of my magnetic poles has shifted, I still have times when I identify as a man and I'm worried that I'm going to reach a point (soon) where it will be hard to present as one. Then will come the questions and the mis-gendering, and it will force me out before long.
Now I LOVE my evening walk. It's the bestest part of my day. It centers my entire being, and I get some of my best thinking, and non-thinking, done then. Today when I took my stroll I felt extremely uncomfortable the entire time. Cars full of people would pass and I felt eyes staring at me. My hair, my face, the configuration of my body are loosing/have lost strong male identifiers. I am approaching that awkward point when people are having a hard time assigning a gender to me. Uh, it probably didn’t help that even in a large male shirt I was. . . uh. . . pointy. Yeah, I'm taking well to estrogen.
My therapist recommended that I take up a more “female”exercise routine and I thought the idea was brilliant. As a male I was used to going anywhere I wanted at any time. As a transgender person I am not only in danger for being targeted for assault because I'm female, but I am at extra high risk of being targeted because I don't conform to cisgender stereotypes. Basically there are people out there looking to catch me alone so they can kill me.
Sooo tomorrow I start yoga! At first I was sad to give up walking but now I'm very excited. I've wanted to do it for a while and regarding my spirituality; it's very much in line with where I'm at in this moment of my life. It seems like a perfect fit.
On Tuesday I saw a Dr. regarding my HRT. She said that I should take my E every 10 days instead of every 14 as I've been experiencing some pretty strong mood swings. Then again, I'm basically going through a second puberty right now so I suppose that's to be expected.
<< Random thought's on HRT -
As a man when I got pissed about something I would stew over it for hours and it was really hard to let that anger go. As a woman I get pissed, then I quickly get over it and move on. This has actually had a big impact on my life and it's neat! OK, back to the show>>
Tonight I saw my gender therapist which brings us up to speed I suppose. I'm amazed at how she always manages to steer the conversation in a direction that ultimately results in me recognizing some profound truth about my self which subsequently has a dramatic, life changing effect on me. Yeah, he's that good.
So here I am, alone, scared and androgynous. I feel a need to change, but how far do I take it, and what is the point of no return? Am I really prepared to lose everything to be the woman that I see myself as?
What if I don't want to come out at work but the changes on my body are so dramatic that I have to out myself due to pressure from my peers?
I'm going to take this as slow as possible. I know that in the not to distant future that I will have to spill the beans. I hope that I still have some time. I'm fucking terrified.
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