For as long as I have identified as bigender other bigender persons have said that going on HRT would make me feel better. It's only made things worse. (In their defense, they said it made THEM feel better, so it's not an issue.)
What works for the goose might not work for the gander. Is that how that shitty saying goes? Whatever.
For a long time I have viewed myself as having a distinct male and female mode, basically two different persona’s but still one identity. Thus far I have viewed the female part of myself as an interloper. An unstoppable intruder goddess-sent to rip my life apart if I let her, and yet an entity that I must placate at all costs in order to keep her satisfied.
But as my therapist reminded me tonight, I AM Page. I am one entity, and the fact that the female part of me is desperate to emerge and live her life is kind of telling, as is the fact that I can't identify as being a man anymore.
What was once was my male side is now some genderless facet of my brain desperately trying to broker the terms of my transition (surrender?) from male to female in order to make things go as smoothly as possible.
I think it's time that I accept that I'm just one person instead of two, and that said person is a ( tom-boyish and super nerdy) woman.
I'm going to take it slow – one day at a time. However, all of my waking thoughts have been of transition and I'm going to go forward with it no matter the consequences. I have no other choice. Still, I promise myself that I will not rush things and that before making any major life decisions that I will take time to reflect upon them and I will consult my therapist.
I'm scared and excited at the same time.
Page
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