Dysphoria

Today was really bad. It started OK, but by 1000 I felt horrible. I was driving around with my boss taking care of stuff and I couldn’t stop thinking to myself how much I hated my body, especially my face. I resent the fact that I have to sit, gesture, keep my posture and talk like a guy. Her mascara is always flawless and the fact that I couldn't ask her about how she applies it pissed me off.

There's no way I could come close to passing at this point so I don't dare go out in my girl cloths, and at the same time I can't stand wearing my guy cloths any more. I don't see myself as a man, but I'm so clumsy and inexperienced as a woman that I feel like some sort of imposter when I do dress up. I'm at a point where I can't find a way to be happy and it's killing me.

Gender dysphoria is the worst thing I've ever gone though, and trust me when I say that I've gone through some bad times. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the my last thought before drifting away to sleep. I spent all evening in bed crying on and off. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm upping my wellbutrin to back where it used to be, and that might help a bit. I'm getting tougher on my diet too to get more slender and androgynous. That's all I got, until the laser resurfacing. After that I want to start going out, and that's going to be really hard for me.

What a cruel fucking joke that something like this should happen to a person with a social phobia. It's hard enough for me to go out; now when I go out people will make fun of me, de-gender me and who knows what else. I just want to live my life and be happy, but now I don't know what to do, or how I'm going to make it.

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