Aaaand yet I post anyway, because writing this crap is like therapy to me. My gender therapist told me that I would be crying a lot for no reason due to the HRT. I AM crying a lot, but I think that I have some pretty damn good reasons for doing so. Last night it was really bad again. Didn’t get to sleep until aprox 0200. Right now I'm literally living for the weekend, because that's the only when when I can get some fucking sleep.
I tried yoga as mentioned in a previous post, as I was looking into doing some more “feminine” (gender labeling, I know it's silly) exercises. I tried a few different instruction videos and I felt really awkward and not at all comfortable with them. I got frustrated and I started to feel sorry for myself, but then I said “fuck it”, and I proceeded to work out with my kettle-bells which kicked my ass and made me happy.
So I know that I need a high activity exercise to keep me interested. Kettle-bells are amazing as they work your core muscles while still giving you an amazing calorie burning workout. I've been doing interval training with them and it kicks the shit out of me.
Things are going better at home and at the same time it's also awkward. My wife seems to be a lot happier which is awesome as I've been worried about her. However, I currently have a platonic relationship with my spouse which feels strange and is a HUGE change from how our old relationship was like.
Last night she mentioned that things seemed better between us and I agreed, but I also tried to attempt to address our personal issues as they have really been bothering me. Our conversation is personal, but it ended on an awkward note and instead of addressing the issue she put on her headphones. In her defense, I was scared to go deeper into the conversation and I failed to speak up, afraid of what the consequences might be. I was hoping she would say something first. What I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty scared. It's hard for me to imagine us not being together but at the same time I can't see us going back to the way things used to be. She's not going to suddenly become a lesbian and I'm probably never going to be comfortable assuming the aggressive male role in the bedroom ever again.
We have an open relationship so maybe that will keep us both from going crazy. Maybe we will find our own lives outside the house and eventually drift apart. Maybe we will remain the awesome kick ass team that we are, and we will just have a very unconventional relationship that is still beautiful and lasts through the years. Maybe she will grow disgusted with me and it will end in a bitter divorce. Maybe I will come to a point where I feel like my relationship to her is holding me back and I will have to end it, which would be fucking awful of me and also lead to a bitter divorce. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
The worst thing about this besides the fact that I've messed up all our plans for the future is the uncertainty. We pretty much had the rest of our lives mapped out before this. Now? Who the fuck knows. I need her and for now she needs me. I just wish things were simpler like they used to be when I knew (or I thought I knew) where my life was taking me. We are both stuck in a holding pattern over a major city and we are slowly running out of fuel.
Page J. Abendroth
(P.S. - Any advise would be very welcome right now.)
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