Just catching up yet again

I have a bit of information to report, but nothing major. First of all guy mode finally returned last night for about three hours. Then I spent most of today in guy mode. Things have changed though. Before HRT I viewed myself as a man who was sometimes a woman, and when I was in female mode there was this sense of awkwardness.  Like I was a pretender and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin.

Things have changed.  I now primarily identify as a woman and I now feel the same way about guy mode as I used to about girl mode. It's harder now than it was before because while I think of my “baseline” gender as being female my body has a long way to go before it can pass as such.  As a result the dysphoria has been really bad lately.

On a more positive note, I now have the laser resurfacing locked in for the last day of this month, (March 30^th), and my boss who is the bestest boss ever in teh worldz has me scheduled for leave for two weeks, so I have plenty of time to recover. (So this will be my annual vacation.  Scab face.  Yay.)  As I have mentioned before, this is one of the only things keeping me going and now after about 20 years of hating my face I'm going to do something about.  Never mind the pain, I'll take anything I can get. 

Things between my wife and I are very complicated at the present moment. She is still going to put the surgery on her credit card, which is amazing seeing how when I first came out I assumed we would be divorced by now. This is such a scarey time for us. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice and everything I hold dear could break apart at any moment.  Mean while the female part of me feels trapped in my current situation and it's like she is unable to evolve. And yet at the same time, I still love my wife with every fiber of my being, although the dynamics of our relationship have changed pretty drastically.

I wish we didn’t have the condo so that we could keep our options open. Today she expressed the same thought to me. She has been very depressed and it's all my fault. It's hard not to feel guilty, but at the same time I know that I have no choice but to be myself.  My gender therapist recommenced another therapist who has a lot of experience taking care of partners of trans-people, and I got my wife to email said therapist today.  She is very stoic but I know that she really needs to talk to someone.  This is eating her up inside and I can't bear to see her in such emotional torment.

Things are so uncertain now when not so long ago it was like we both had the rest of our lives planned out. We fit so well together; it was a miracle that we found each-other. But I was a man then, and now I've gone and screwed up my life. I think that neither of us wants to end our relationship, but at the same time we are not sure how to make it work in the long term.  I think she is looking for an exit strategy and I don't blame her one bit.  Currently she has no way out.

As with everything, I'll take it one day at a time. One thing I know is that with my wife in school she is dependent upon me financially, and if things do go south I will still support her and take care of her as I always have until she decides to move on. No matter what I will always love her. She has given me the best eight years of my life. I just wish I had more to give. This is where I start to cry again,

Page