On My Marriage Ending

I haven’t posted for a while as I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stuff, and I knew that the next time I wrote it would have to be about this subject and I’ve been trying to avoid it. Since I realized that I was bigender my greatest fear has been that this would end my marriage. Now I can say that it has.

My wife and I have been separated for a while now. I’ve been living in the bed room which I’ve converted into a tiny flat and my wife living in the front room which she converted into a larger flat. We have been sharing the kitchen and bathroom of course. This arrangement worked for me and having my own bit of personal space has been very liberating and stress relieving.

A few weeks back I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. I asked her if she was ok and she said no. Long story short, we had a long talk and between sobbing, we both decided that we had no future together as a married couple and that it was over. It was something that I kind of knew was coming, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. We agreed that we had something special between us and that we would always be the closest of friends and that we would always be there for each other.

Now let’s fast forward to a couple days ago.

I was in my room on the computer like the good nerd that I am when my wife came in. She started to cry, and then she told me that she needs to get over me and that she wants me to move out of the house. I was shocked. We had gone through a bunch of drama before about who was going to live where and I thought that we were both happy with the current living arrangements. I like the little nest I’ve made for myself and I feel safe and comfortable where I’m at.

When she told me that she can’t stand to be around me because it hurts her so much I felt all the feelings of guilt and shame that I thought I was finally getting over come back stronger than ever before. It’s not my fault that I’m trans/bigender, but the fact that I am I’m hurting her just by being near her makes me feel like shit. I love her and the last thing I’d ever want to do would be to hurt her. If she can’t stand for me to be a part of her life then I have no other choice but to move.

But that’s not going to be so easy.

First of all, it’s my fucking house too. I pay the mortgage and up until recently I’ve paid all the bills as well. I want her to be safe and secure when she gets out of school so I’m going to sign over the condo to her when she is financially able to afford to pay the mortgage. I’m giving her everything I have to give. Until then we’re both on the lease and I have every right to live here. 

Next, it’s really easy to tell me to move out when I’m the one who has to find a new source of income to afford a new place and she doesn’t have to change anything, while I keep paying the mortgage on the condo that I can’t live in anymore. Am I the only one who thinks that’s kind of messed up? I’m starting to feel like I’m somehow being placed in the roll of the bad guy and now I’m supposed to atone for my sins by making enormous sacrifices for her. Again, I DIDENT WANT TO BE BIGENDER. I didn’t fucking ask to be like this. It happened, I changed as a person and I had no control over it.

I didn’t do anything wrong so why do I feel like I’m being punished in some way?

She told me that I should rent my room out so that I can pay to get a place with a roommate which was an old plan we had before, and that she would accept any roommate that I thought would be good. I didn’t realize it at first, but she’s kicking me out and she expects me to find her a roommate so I can make this happen?

Not only that, but it’s not like finding a place for me to stay is going to be easy. I’m transitioning and I’d need to find someone very tolerant and in the safe parts of San Diego where I won’t have to worry about walking down the street and being accosted. Maybe she doesn’t realize just how difficult this is going to be for me.

I’m going to have a long talk with my wife when I get some and then I’ll finish this post. To be continued

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I can't stop crying. I can hardly see the monitor through my tears. It's really over. And by that I mean that the most important person to me in the entire world want's me completely out of her life. And out of her house. I don't know how to live like this. We've been together the past 11 ½ years. Every thing was so perfect. I'd never been so happy. Now it's all gone and I can't imagine ever being happy again. Ever being loved again.

For this past year she's always been there for me and she's done everything she could to help me to be happy. That's what she told me just now and she's right. I DIDENT WANT TO CHANGE. I hate myself but I don't know what else I could do? What should I have done? I never wanted to hurt her. Not in a million years but I broke her heart because of what I am. I hurt her so bad.

I feel like a fucking monster. A creature that came in and devoured her husband and took over his life. We had so many plans for the future. I wasted her life. I just want it to stop hurting. I want to stop hurting her.

And so now the life that I've built up for her and I is gone and I have nothing. There's nothing left for me here.

I did everything for her. I woke up in the morning for her and I'd lie down beside her when going to bed I'd think about how incredibly lucky I was that I met the perfect woman for me. God I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just don’t want to be here anymore. She wants me out of her life and I live for her.

I never knew anything could hurt this bad. I tried to explain to her that this is hard for me too and she got angry at me and yelled at me. She told me that any sane woman would have kicked me out six months ago. I CANT FUCKING HELP IT. I cant stop being trans. I wanted it to go away so bad. I used to be so happy and now just when I think I'm starting to accept myself. . . this. If something was wrong I could always make it better for her and this time I just couldn't. I cant fucking fix this.

My life is over. Ever since I first saw her back at Naval Hospital Yokosuka I knew that she was special and I wanted to make her happy. I've fucking failed. I just wanted to make her happy and instead I wasted her youth and ruined her life.

I got responsible. I got a good work ethic, I became good with managing money. She made me want to be a better man for her. I built up this whole new self and I grew up so I could take care of her. I tried to be a good husband. I thought that I was.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I never thought that I would be alone again. I thought everything was going to be OK and that there was nothing that we couldn’t work through because of how much we loved each other. I feel like I wasn’t alive before I met her. I don't remember who I was. Now that she's gone I'm completely lost. I've lost everything and I have nothing left.

I don’t know why I do the things I do. Why I'm even bothering to write this down. I know I need to go exercise and I need to eat. I don't have any reason to any more. I don't want to hurt myself because then I'd hurt my friends and my family but it's so fucking hard.

This is the worst day of my life. I don't know what to do. Everything I've loved and cherished for the past 10 years, it's gone and there's nothing left for me except unbearable pain. It hurts too much.

This may just be my worst entry ever.

Jello blog.

Yesterday was fun. I was invited to go on a walk with a friend, but there must have been some communication breakdown as it turned out to be a run, which was fine with me but I wish that I wore looser clothing as I was trying to dress queer and my pants were waaay to tight to sprint in. =P It turned out to actually be a profound, thought provoking experience which I really hadn’t expected, but I was grateful for it. I think I'll save that experience for a latter post.

Afterwords we went back to his house in Hillcrest, he made an awesome diner. Then we wandered around the gay district for a while, mostly people watching. So, I saw dozens upon dozens of gay “bros”, muscle bound macho guys wandering about – but where are all the whisper thin artistic types??? Are they all already taken? Maybe they're just avoiding the clubs. (Mental note – look up “queer open mike poetry readings in San Diego” tomorrow.)

We ended up at some tiny club/bar that was mostly populated by lesbians and queer people. I liked it because it wasn’t so overpoweringly loud and they were playing 80's music, which I love. =P My friend seemed to like it too, but I wonder if it may have been because he spent a lot of time time checking other people out. ;)

I got back from Hilllcrest at 0200 and I went to sleep at 0230. I woke up at 0700 so yeah, not much sleepies for me. =( I snuggled up with my cat until around 0800 and then I got up as it was obvious that a full nights sleep had once again alluded me.

After I got cleaned up I walked over to the new Panera Bread that just opened near my condo in the hopes of getting some early morning exercise and a healthy breakfast, but I was disappointed. They got my order wrong and when I got the right one the egg whites on my sandwich were paper thin, cold and rubbery. AND it was on white bread, which is nutritiously worthless.

After that I wandered over to Walgreen’s to get some other supplies *whistles* and then I headed back home. All in all it was a good walk, especially since I'm still wearing my hoodie to cover up the wounds on my left arm and I got hot as hell. Those wounds are going to leave some nasty scars and seeing that the hot San Diego summer is rapidly approaching I'm going to have to stop worrying about freaking people out and just wear my normal clothing. It's going to be hard to explain them when coworkers see my arm. The department picnic is next week and I don't want to go.

I spent most of the rest of the day practicing mindful meditation. It was very hard for me to let go of some of the issues that I'm dealing with at the moment, but I did a pretty good job I think. I mostly focused on environmental stuff; first the breeze blowing through my window and later in the day some classical lute music I have. No complementing the empty nature of reality for me today.

I'm still having a very hard time figuring out who I am. When I look at myself in male mode I see myself as a man, but then I take a picture of myself and I'm disgusted by my appearance. I'm still not who I used to be. It's like how I used to be in female mode. Everything is wrong with my face and I refuse to look like that any more. I was in guy mode most of the day but I still wasn’t happy with my body. It wasn’t until I presented as female at around 1800 that I finally felt like myself.

It's weird; all my muscles relax and I feel loose and comfortable when I'm like this. I might still be shy, but I actually feel like I'm comfortable in my skin where normally I'm super awkward and clumsy. Normally I'm in another body that I'm trying to control, screaming instructions desperately while it flails about.

When I'm in female mode and I can present as such, everything feels right. And, when the dysphoria isn’t to bad, I feel happy. I mean, REALLY happy. But of course, I've never even been out of the house nor has anyone other than my wife seen me present on female mode. Maybe this is all a delusion and I'm just in denial that I'll never be accepted by anyone as a woman.

Can I be happy if I transition to female and still accept the male side of me? Will they blend together? I spent all last night and this morning being unhappy with my appearance. As soon as I presented as female everything was OK.

I'm afraid that eventually I'm going to have to pick between one or the other lest I go insane. If it comes to that, I know which one I'll pick and it scares the hell out of me.

Uh, on a happy note I actually wore pretty stuff today and if I might say so myself; I looked damn good in it. Most of my outfits are just like guy mode – black shirt and jeans, except that in female mode I wear a large Jr. tee-shirt and size seven flared pants. After I put my face on and got dressed I was so happy with my presentation, but I felt sad as it's not like anyone would ever see me. I think that I need some social validation so that I can start living part time in female mode.

This is why overcoming my social anxiety is my top priority in life. I NEED to be able to go out as a female and live my own life. If I'm always worried about other people judging me then I’ll never be able to grow into my own person.

So that's my cryptic post for the evening.

TLDR – I'm a woman and I just want to live the rest of my life as one. Uh, I think. Check with me tomorrow. =(   I just want it to stop and I want to be a woman.  Or a man.

Paige

TLDR – I'm a woman and I just want to live the rest of my life as one. Uh, I think. Check with me tomorrow. =( I just want it to stop.

Paige Abendroth

Who am I?

Over the past couple days I’ve been thinking about my identity. Recently I’ve been discovering parts of myself that I never knew existed. Wants, desires, dreams, needs. . . Then yesterday after work I was driving in my car when suddenly I came to the realization that I don’t know myself anymore.

Uh, this is something I’m actively trying to figure out right now so please excuse me if I’m a bit cryptic or I don’t make much sense. You’ve been warned.

I began to identify as Bigender about a year ago. Now, a lot of changes can occur to a person over the span of a year, but this year has been unlike any other that I’ve ever experienced. I profoundly changed when I joined the Navy and then again after I married my wife. Over time I’ve become much more responsible, honest and my work ethic kicks ass. But over the years there have been things about me that were the same since adolescence. Basic beliefs about myself and the world in which I lived in. 

I’m not the same person that I used to be a year ago. Not at all.

I try hard not to refer my male and female aspects as being two different people. That’s not the case and I don’t want to give anyone that wrong idea. (No, I do not have dissociative identity disorder.) However I’m going to do it in today’s journal in an attempt to help me to explain what’s going on here.

I’ve been suppressing my female self my whole life. As a child I learned at some point that I couldn’t like girl things and that I had to behave like a boy. It’s hard to remember that far back as I’ve only just begun to comprehend how being duel gendered has been impacting me from a very young age, but lately I’ve been recalling more. As I’m typing this now I just remembered my dad scolding me for playing with Rainbow Bright toys with my cousin. I loved; “Lala Orange”. Just typing that made me cringe when I know that there’s nothing wrong with it. 

That’s the power of shame and the effect that it can have on a child. When you’re young and impressionable you depend on your parents and other adults to explain to you how the world works and your place in it. Today I know that there’s nothing wrong with a child playing with toys typically associated with the opposite gender or even how they dress for that matter. However, I still feel a hint of that old shame and embarrassment when sharing that memory. 

I don’t remember the words that were spoken, but I knew that I made my Dad angry with me and that I was doing something that was WRONG and that I should feel awful for having done it. So I didn’t play “Rainbow Bright” with my cousin anymore, although in my childhood daydreams where no one could see me I would still sometimes imagine that I was her. 

Now that my female self is out it’s like she’s a child exploring the world around her and discovering who she is. I never wanted kids before and I most certainly never wanted to be pregnant, but when I’m female the fact that I’ll never be able to experience that hurts me, like I’m being denied of something that’s rightfully mine. I never imagined being married to man but now the idea is just as acceptable as being married to a woman. All these taboo’s that I’ve held in the past, many of them reinforced by my Roman Catholic upbringing and many from having been raised in a binary gender society are gone and now I’m finally free to grow.

My mind is consumed by wants and desires that I never could have imagined, and so many other things in my life that once seemed significant to me before have now become trivial. What and whom am I becoming? Am I losing myself and being replaced or am I evolving into something else now that the fear is gone? 

My face is so different now that I don’t recognize it mirror. I’ve tried to take a few new pictures of myself in guy mode to update my Facebook profile but don’t look like me and I don’t want to startle my family. It’s not that I don’t like my face; in fact for the first time since Jr. High I’m finally growing to be happy with it. It’s so unfamiliar, like I’m a different person, or like I’m becoming one. It's MY face, who ever I am.

I just can’t shake the feeling that something is changing me. I have no control over it nor do I want it to stop. I was so unhappy before all this began and I’m still unhappy a lot of the time. But as I discover all these new things about myself, as much as they frighten and hurt me initially, I begin to accept them as a part of me. I embrace them and I change a little more. 

I think I may have just figured it out. I’m not losing myself or becoming someone else. What’s happening is that I’m becoming the person who I was always meant to be. Wild, unbound and hungry for life. 

Annnnd once again I figure out complicated life shit by writing down the random thoughts going through my head in real time. Neat huh?

Paige

Nobody knows

Where it comes and where it does, errr and all that jazz. This should be a pretty quick update. Yesterday I thought I had everything figured out and now I'm not so sure. In a nut shell, life is. . . complicated at the moment.

There's nothing I can do about that at the present moment, (my wife comes back from her parents in two days time ) but alas this weighs heavily upon my mind. Uh, yeah. Mostly what I think about all the time is -

A. - My body is all wrong and I hate it.

B. - I've married to the perfect woman for me but then I changed in a way that I couldn’t control and now I've gone and ruined everything, and I'm really scared regarding the ultimate outcome.

So - NOT FUCKING HEALTHY.

Today I've been thinking about purification. Not just of my body but of my mind and if it exists my spirit. Turning everything off, eating only simple, unseasoned food and foregoing my beloved energy drinks for water. I'm very sick in my mind right now and I've been that way for a while. Due to my mental sickness my body suffers as well. Today I woke up feeling great, but then at midday I suddenly became violently ill. I don’t have the flu, food poisoning and I was not hung over. I know what's wrong however. You become ill like that when your body is trying to desperately expel poisons from your system in order to keep you alive. I have inundated my body with toxins both mental and physical and I'm overwhelmed.

These past couple weeks as I've been home recovering from my not very effective laser resurfacing I've been poisoning myself with unhealthy self destructive thoughts, lack of exercise/fresh air, sleep deprivation, disgusting processed food as well as chemical stimulants. I don't have a good reason why, other than in the past this is how I've dealt with pain and mental anguish.

It's killing me and it has to stop right now. I've become so sick that I can't properly take care of myself. If you can't tale care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. My wife needs me to take care of her, but I am a fucking wreck. This is a dilemma.

Being trans I must transition. I have no choice lest I go insane. It's now obvious to me that I'm never going to be happy unless I change. I now know what I have to do, but that's the easy part. Changing the intrinsic nature of a person, even yourself; that's something else. Everything must change, and we all know how humans love change.

Nightmare

I've just awoken from a horrible nightmare.

In it I was younger and still living with my parents, sisters and step-brother back home in Chicago.  Apparently I was out to them and I dressed up at home.  (I believe that I was starting on HRT, but the details are pretty fuzzy.)  It was my birthday and we were going out to a  restaurant that I liked for dinner.

I guess that I was presenting as a female more and more when I went out, and that plan was that I would be female at the restaurant.  With my girl cloths in my back pack  I rode to the restaurant on my mountain bike so I could get there early to get dressed up in the bathroom.  I felt happy and confident in my presentation, and I remember chatting with the waitresses and cracking jokes with them while I waited for my family.

Then my immediate family showed up.  As well as some of my other relatives.  I was not out to them and my feeling of happiness and contentment abruptly turned to shame and anger.  My Grandparents, whom I love(d) dearly and who had a huge roll in my upbringing walked in, saw me, and then turned around and walked out without saying a word.

I asked my Mom, "What were you thinking?  How could you do this to me?" but she didn't seem to care how I felt.  My parents insisted that I didn't leave as it was my "party" and other gusts would be arriving (which was news to me) so I couldn't leave.  I quickly changed back into my guy cloths and sat in a corner while everyone ignored me and had a lot of fun.

Quick background on my Grandparents; they were the most wonderful people I ever knew, but especially my Grandfather.  My Dad was MIA for most of my childhood and for many years my Mom, little sisters and I lived with my grandparents.  My Grandpa was the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known and as one of my cousins said to me during his funeral, "he was the only positive male role-model I've ever had".

They, like most of my family on my Mom's side, were devout Roman Catholics.  I feel confidant that their response in my dream to seeing me dressed up like a girl would have been the same if it were real life.  No matter how much they loved me up to that point and I loved them, it would have changed the way they felt about me forever.  I don't think they would have hated me, but I'm sure they would have been disappointed in what they would have assumed was a "choice" and our relationship would have been poisoned. 

I was taking a nap and my wife woke me up while I was at a point in the dream where I was heading back home alone, sobbing to myself.  While the nightmare is over, it's opened my eyes to a new kind of terror that I'm going to have to face in my real life.

I've always been a big supporter of GLBT rights since I was in high school.  I hate it when ANYONE is being treated unfairly.  I've always been enraged when reading about the discrimination that GLBT people face and the violence that is inflicted upon so many of them just because they are being who they are.  (Same goes for skin color, religion, ect.)

I've been out to myself for a few months or so now, but about half and hour ago a nightmare made me realize that I have a lot more to be afraid of then the prospect of my wife leaving me, which has been my greatest concern up to this point.  I have to be afraid of other people who will hate me just for being myself, people who could be moved to actual physical violence against me for nothing I've done to them.

Now I realize that each time I come out to someone who I've known in the past or present they might suddenly hate me, just because I'm different.  I've always hated discrimination, but I was a white hetro male who grew up in a nice part of town so it was as an outsider looking in.  Now I find myself on the other side, and I'm suddenly feeling scared and alone.