This may just be my worst entry ever.

Jello blog.

Yesterday was fun. I was invited to go on a walk with a friend, but there must have been some communication breakdown as it turned out to be a run, which was fine with me but I wish that I wore looser clothing as I was trying to dress queer and my pants were waaay to tight to sprint in. =P It turned out to actually be a profound, thought provoking experience which I really hadn’t expected, but I was grateful for it. I think I'll save that experience for a latter post.

Afterwords we went back to his house in Hillcrest, he made an awesome diner. Then we wandered around the gay district for a while, mostly people watching. So, I saw dozens upon dozens of gay “bros”, muscle bound macho guys wandering about – but where are all the whisper thin artistic types??? Are they all already taken? Maybe they're just avoiding the clubs. (Mental note – look up “queer open mike poetry readings in San Diego” tomorrow.)

We ended up at some tiny club/bar that was mostly populated by lesbians and queer people. I liked it because it wasn’t so overpoweringly loud and they were playing 80's music, which I love. =P My friend seemed to like it too, but I wonder if it may have been because he spent a lot of time time checking other people out. ;)

I got back from Hilllcrest at 0200 and I went to sleep at 0230. I woke up at 0700 so yeah, not much sleepies for me. =( I snuggled up with my cat until around 0800 and then I got up as it was obvious that a full nights sleep had once again alluded me.

After I got cleaned up I walked over to the new Panera Bread that just opened near my condo in the hopes of getting some early morning exercise and a healthy breakfast, but I was disappointed. They got my order wrong and when I got the right one the egg whites on my sandwich were paper thin, cold and rubbery. AND it was on white bread, which is nutritiously worthless.

After that I wandered over to Walgreen’s to get some other supplies *whistles* and then I headed back home. All in all it was a good walk, especially since I'm still wearing my hoodie to cover up the wounds on my left arm and I got hot as hell. Those wounds are going to leave some nasty scars and seeing that the hot San Diego summer is rapidly approaching I'm going to have to stop worrying about freaking people out and just wear my normal clothing. It's going to be hard to explain them when coworkers see my arm. The department picnic is next week and I don't want to go.

I spent most of the rest of the day practicing mindful meditation. It was very hard for me to let go of some of the issues that I'm dealing with at the moment, but I did a pretty good job I think. I mostly focused on environmental stuff; first the breeze blowing through my window and later in the day some classical lute music I have. No complementing the empty nature of reality for me today.

I'm still having a very hard time figuring out who I am. When I look at myself in male mode I see myself as a man, but then I take a picture of myself and I'm disgusted by my appearance. I'm still not who I used to be. It's like how I used to be in female mode. Everything is wrong with my face and I refuse to look like that any more. I was in guy mode most of the day but I still wasn’t happy with my body. It wasn’t until I presented as female at around 1800 that I finally felt like myself.

It's weird; all my muscles relax and I feel loose and comfortable when I'm like this. I might still be shy, but I actually feel like I'm comfortable in my skin where normally I'm super awkward and clumsy. Normally I'm in another body that I'm trying to control, screaming instructions desperately while it flails about.

When I'm in female mode and I can present as such, everything feels right. And, when the dysphoria isn’t to bad, I feel happy. I mean, REALLY happy. But of course, I've never even been out of the house nor has anyone other than my wife seen me present on female mode. Maybe this is all a delusion and I'm just in denial that I'll never be accepted by anyone as a woman.

Can I be happy if I transition to female and still accept the male side of me? Will they blend together? I spent all last night and this morning being unhappy with my appearance. As soon as I presented as female everything was OK.

I'm afraid that eventually I'm going to have to pick between one or the other lest I go insane. If it comes to that, I know which one I'll pick and it scares the hell out of me.

Uh, on a happy note I actually wore pretty stuff today and if I might say so myself; I looked damn good in it. Most of my outfits are just like guy mode – black shirt and jeans, except that in female mode I wear a large Jr. tee-shirt and size seven flared pants. After I put my face on and got dressed I was so happy with my presentation, but I felt sad as it's not like anyone would ever see me. I think that I need some social validation so that I can start living part time in female mode.

This is why overcoming my social anxiety is my top priority in life. I NEED to be able to go out as a female and live my own life. If I'm always worried about other people judging me then I’ll never be able to grow into my own person.

So that's my cryptic post for the evening.

TLDR – I'm a woman and I just want to live the rest of my life as one. Uh, I think. Check with me tomorrow. =(   I just want it to stop and I want to be a woman.  Or a man.

Paige

TLDR – I'm a woman and I just want to live the rest of my life as one. Uh, I think. Check with me tomorrow. =( I just want it to stop.

Paige Abendroth

Getting set up for the future (Update part 2)

So much has happened since my I last updated my journal that I'm posting it in a few parts.

So my wife and I had a plan where she was going to move out for a bit, (Only because I'm not in a position to do so) so that we could have some space and I could rent out part of the condo to make extra money so that I can transition. Her therapist actually thought this was a good idea, but I hated it as I love her very much and I felt like a horrible person, asking so much from her. At the time however I couldn’t think of any other way to make it work.

She told her parents about this plan and now they apparently hate me. My wife told me that her dad thinks that I'm trying to push her out of the condo so that I can leave her high and dry and that he apparently want's to kick my ass. Her mom want's her to get a lawyer so that she can get my promise to sign the lease over to her once she has a stable job as a matter of record, or something.

First of all I'm sad and hurt that they don't like me any more. I came from a dysfunctional family and when I met my wife I couldn't believe how wonderful her's was. They have always treated me with caring and love. There's no way they could ever understand what's going on, and I suppose that I'll just have to live with their scorn.

Secondly I'm a little pissed off. I've loved, supported and provided for my wife for nine years not counting the year back when we were in the military and she moved into my tiny barracks room with me. Even when she was still active duty and earning money I payed the bills so she could save hers. (Now I pay them all, except she pays for the car insurance with money from her GI bill.) Because she has been going to school for what seems like forever now, I do the VAST majority of the housework, cooking and so on. Everything I do is for her. I'm even prepared to sign over my GI bill to her so she can pursue her masters if she wishes.

Now all of the sudden I'm some sort of villain. I don't completely blame them. They only have a sliver of information regarding what's been going on and they are trying to make sure that their daughter is safe and protected. There's no way they could understand what I'm going through and the drastic measures that I have to undertake in order to preserve my sanity at the moment. I don't think that any of them are familiar with trans issues and I'm confidant that her old fashioned conservative father most certainly is not.

I never wanted her to move out of the fucking house. That's the last thing I wanted. However, neither of us could figure out a better option at the time. Thankfully, since then I've gotten creative and worked out a solution.

I've been looking into space saving websites and I've figured out how we can set up the house so that we can still rent it out and have room for both of us. My wife and I were initially going to bunk together in the same room but she INSISTS that I take it for myself. What I'm going to do is convert “my” room into the TV/REC room as well as my living quarters. This way we keep everything open to everyone, but if I need my privacy I can close the door. (And going through what I am right now that means a lot to me.)

We plan on renting out the living room for 450 a month. We might already have a renter, and it's someone who I trust and respect so if he takes me up on the offer it would be ideal. (My wife loves him too which is important as she's apprehensive about bringing a stranger into our house.)

If he chooses not to rent here then I am going to hit up craigs list and look for a roomie. It's going to be complicated because it'll have to be someone who's trans-friendly, lgbt friendly and female. I like the idea of renting to another trans person myself, but we can be an unstable lot so we'll see. It will be like living in a dorm, but it's the best solution I can think of given out current situation. It might actually be fun.

The current plan is that when my wife get's out of school in February and then find a stable job I'm going to sign the mortgage over to her and then I'll get a place in town. Then I'll be able to save up serious money and I'll be out in the city alone, where I hope to continue to grow as an independent woman. (It's kind of funny to type that in guy mode. Gender is weird.)

Her parents might fucking hate me but what they don't fucking realize is that this whole time I've been working on setting her up for her future. I have a lot invested in this condo and I'm willing to give it up for her. Everything I've ever done has been for her, but being transgender I HAVE to transition. It's not an option and they don't understand that. I've heard the term, “transition or die” many times before, but now truly understand what it means.

I remember one point where I was desperately trying to think of ways to pay for this and I jokingly thought to myself, “maybe I could just whore myself out.” All the sudden I was hit with the sad realization of why so many trans-girls resort to sex-work. We really are that desperate, and I'm in the fortunate position where I at least have a steady job and a roof over my head.

I don't know if my wife and I have a future together. She's not bisexuel and as I transition into a woman it seriously hurts me to know that she's not sexually attracted to me anymore. She loves me and I love her, that much I do know. We had all these little dreams that we would discuss while we would snuggle in bed. Moving to some little town when we retired, getting horses and a cow. (I always told her that she would have to clean up after them. HAY! I'm from the suburbs of Chicago after all.) We marveled at how wonderful out marriage was and how it would last forever. Everything was perfect.

But I'm fucking trans.

When you're transgender it's very important that you except yourself for who you are. It's not something that you have control over. My wife keeps reminding me of this but when I think about what we had together, all the dashed dreams, of all the pain I'm putting her through and the uncertainty it's very hard not to hate myself. I'm really trying though. I'm trying so fucking hard.

I knew that being trans would alienate people from my life. It's look's like my wife’s family are the first people to reject me. None of them have bothered to contact me to hear my side of the story. I hope that over time they will reach out and we can ay last come to some sort of understanding.

It's late. There's more stuff that I need to write about, but that will have to wait. Thanks for reading.

Paige

The shit hits the fan (Update part 1)

Holy fuck balls I don't know where to begin.

I'm going to try to sum things up as best I can. If I got into detail this post would go on forever.

As you may recall my wife went up to her parents after I pissed her off. While she was up there I fell into an even deeper depression that I was already in. Upon her return we had a talk and we decided that I needed to go off on my own (but not too far!) to find myself. We are like two pees in a pod, best friends forever; but my transitioning is driving us both nanners. So this made sense to me and I began looking for a way to make things work.

At first I thought that if I found a room mate I could live out in town. I know a friend who is also looking to move out of his apartment and I figured if we pooled our resources this might work. I went so far as to do some preliminary apartment hunting. (I found this cute place in Hillcrest right in the middle of everything that I would kill to move into.) However, upon further review of my finances it became painfully apparent to me that unless I was willing to make some MAJOR sacrifices this just wasn’t going to work financially.

This made me a sad.

It wasn’t that good a plan anyway because then I still wouldn’t be able to save money for transition, and and as I've just hit the “transition or die” phase of my life that's not acceptable. After wracking my brain the only other thing I could think of would be for my wife to move out until February when she completes school and gets a job. Then I would rent out a room which I would use to help finance my transition. Then after my wife was financially stable I would sign over the mortgage to her and move out on my own with a room mate so that I can save money for transition.

This plan sucked balls but at the time neither of us could think of a better idea. I don't really know anyone plus I'm trans/whatever so that makes things even harder.  She agreed to this, but as you can imagine, while all this was going on we had reached critical drama levels. We seemed to have things worked out and I started to feel a little hopeful. Transition is all I think about now. It's something that I'm willing to give everything up for. That must sound batshit insane to non-trans people, but what they don't understand is that it really can be a matter of life or death.

Once I thought I had finally made things work my wife started changing stuff around and she threw a monkey wrench into the gears of my plan. (Not that she was trying to do so, this is an extremity complicated situation.) This was three nights ago, so on the 17^th. We argued and I began to, for lack of a better term, freak the fuck out. I'm trapped in limbo, unable to transition when I can no longer wait. Seriously, I even considered defaulting on my loan for the mortgage and destroying my credit just so I could get an apartment to save money. (Turns out my wife's name is on the mortgage too so that wasn’t going to happen.)

As the night went on my depression became more and more profound. I couldn’t think of a way out and I was completely overwhelmed with hopelessness. I drew up and hot bath, got an old box cutter and I began cutting.

I used to do this in high school and at various points in my life when I've felt that all hope was lost. It's a very unhealthy and self destructive behavior, and I'm embarrassed that it's all I had to fall back on. At the time I was not in my right mind. I cut myself all over my body and when my wounds stopped leaking blood into the water I would scrub them so they would reopen. I kept trying to cut deeper, but I couldn’t bring myself to open a vein to end it all. At one point I finally came to my senses and I crawled out of the tub and tried to ask my wife for help. She was sleeping and when I tried to wake her up, blood trickling down my body from multiple incisions, she mumbled at me and told me to go to sleep. (She didn’t look at me and it would not be until the next day that I would learn that she had taken two ambian before going to bed, so no wonder I couldn’t get her attention.  At the time however I was very hurt.)

I then drove myself to the VA hospital ER and attempted to voluntary commit myself to the psychiatric ward as I was damn near suicidal. However, all the beds were full so they kept me there in the ER and observed me over night. I cried for hours and at some point I drifted to sleep for a short time. When they woke my up as they needed to move be to another room there was a huge wet spot around my head.

In the other room I could not sleep and finally my wife showed up. (By then it was like 0900.) We talked and worked some stuff out. They still didn’t have a bed open for me and I decided to go home rather than staying at the hospital. I was hospitalized for my depression once before for a three week period and I was miserable the entire time.

We finally got out of there at noon and I went home, got stuff cleaned up and called my gender therapist, who was able to see me on short notice. As always she helped me to put things into perspective and I'm going to be attending some sort of program that should help me deal with these kinds of situations in a healthy way. (DBT)

So, it's been rough. My body, especially my arms, are covered in scabs and I'm going to have to wear long sleeves for a while. Up until now I don't think my wife realized just how desperate I am to transition. I think she does now. This has also shown me that I need lots of outside support to get through this. For a shy, introvert like me that's going to be hard, but I have to do it.

More has happened since then, but I'll put it in a separate post to keep things organized and to keep my individual posts from getting too long.

A final note – if you are feeling hopeless and it seems like there's no other possible way out, please reach out to someone and get help. A few days ago I was desperately trying to work up the resolve to open up my veins so that I would bleed out into the tub, but now here I am typing up this post in a much better state of mind. I'm getting the help I need and there's always hope, no matter how bad it might seem at the moment. 

Paige

Ack! Part one.

Sooo, it's time to go to bed and my wife is not attracted to me.  While I shouldn't be offended as she married a male I still can't help but feel. . . ugly.  It's so stupid.  Not her, but the way I'm responding.

When I'm in female mode I'm still me.  I'm still the same person with the same goals and the same desires.  I just present differently.  For those of you who are not bigender or transgender this might not make any sense.  I'm not going to bother trying to explain it right now, but maybe another time.

Anyway, I told her how good she looks, (and she looks incredible) and she told me in no uncertain terms that she's not comfortable with me "hitting on her" as a woman.  So if I dress different and I use a lower voice it will be ok?  She has put up with so much I shouldn't be so upset, but I feel very rejected and hurt. I feel so ugly.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do.  I would die without her and when I'm presenting as a woman I know that she doesn't love me like she used too.   (If at all.)  It's not her fault but it's not mine either.  I didn't ask for this.  I wish I was just a regular guy and I didn't feel like I do but I cant help it.

My wife has made me into a better person and she has always been my anchor.  My greatest fear in the world is that this will cause such a big rift between us that it will break up apart and I will loose her.  If I could I would go back to how I used to be, but that would be choosing between going crazy and committing suicide or loosing the only person who means anything to me and probably offing myself anyway. I feel like no matter what I do I'm doomed and I'm scared.

I have to go to bed now but I think it will be another sleepless night.  I love my wife more than ever, but I feel so alone in the world.  I have no one to turn to and I feel like I'm a spectator watching my life fall apart. Shit, this sucks so bad.

We are going away for the weekend to a little film festival up in Big-Bear so that should be fun.  Things are so crappy now I hope this weekend goes ok.  I would sell my soul to make her happy but I can't change who I am.  I'm thinking that as a temporary solution I'll repress my "girly" side and try to present only after she goes to bed. 

Crap, that wont work.  I'm so lost.  My shrink hasn't returned any of my calls either.  My only hope right now is that my regular doctor will be able to refer me to the gender specialist that an awesome person on the Bigender Forums http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php refereed me to.

Sorry this was so depressive but it's not like I'm doing this for anyone other than me.  I'm hopeful that someday in the future I'll be able to post more positive entries.