This may just be my worst entry ever.

Jello blog.

Yesterday was fun. I was invited to go on a walk with a friend, but there must have been some communication breakdown as it turned out to be a run, which was fine with me but I wish that I wore looser clothing as I was trying to dress queer and my pants were waaay to tight to sprint in. =P It turned out to actually be a profound, thought provoking experience which I really hadn’t expected, but I was grateful for it. I think I'll save that experience for a latter post.

Afterwords we went back to his house in Hillcrest, he made an awesome diner. Then we wandered around the gay district for a while, mostly people watching. So, I saw dozens upon dozens of gay “bros”, muscle bound macho guys wandering about – but where are all the whisper thin artistic types??? Are they all already taken? Maybe they're just avoiding the clubs. (Mental note – look up “queer open mike poetry readings in San Diego” tomorrow.)

We ended up at some tiny club/bar that was mostly populated by lesbians and queer people. I liked it because it wasn’t so overpoweringly loud and they were playing 80's music, which I love. =P My friend seemed to like it too, but I wonder if it may have been because he spent a lot of time time checking other people out. ;)

I got back from Hilllcrest at 0200 and I went to sleep at 0230. I woke up at 0700 so yeah, not much sleepies for me. =( I snuggled up with my cat until around 0800 and then I got up as it was obvious that a full nights sleep had once again alluded me.

After I got cleaned up I walked over to the new Panera Bread that just opened near my condo in the hopes of getting some early morning exercise and a healthy breakfast, but I was disappointed. They got my order wrong and when I got the right one the egg whites on my sandwich were paper thin, cold and rubbery. AND it was on white bread, which is nutritiously worthless.

After that I wandered over to Walgreen’s to get some other supplies *whistles* and then I headed back home. All in all it was a good walk, especially since I'm still wearing my hoodie to cover up the wounds on my left arm and I got hot as hell. Those wounds are going to leave some nasty scars and seeing that the hot San Diego summer is rapidly approaching I'm going to have to stop worrying about freaking people out and just wear my normal clothing. It's going to be hard to explain them when coworkers see my arm. The department picnic is next week and I don't want to go.

I spent most of the rest of the day practicing mindful meditation. It was very hard for me to let go of some of the issues that I'm dealing with at the moment, but I did a pretty good job I think. I mostly focused on environmental stuff; first the breeze blowing through my window and later in the day some classical lute music I have. No complementing the empty nature of reality for me today.

I'm still having a very hard time figuring out who I am. When I look at myself in male mode I see myself as a man, but then I take a picture of myself and I'm disgusted by my appearance. I'm still not who I used to be. It's like how I used to be in female mode. Everything is wrong with my face and I refuse to look like that any more. I was in guy mode most of the day but I still wasn’t happy with my body. It wasn’t until I presented as female at around 1800 that I finally felt like myself.

It's weird; all my muscles relax and I feel loose and comfortable when I'm like this. I might still be shy, but I actually feel like I'm comfortable in my skin where normally I'm super awkward and clumsy. Normally I'm in another body that I'm trying to control, screaming instructions desperately while it flails about.

When I'm in female mode and I can present as such, everything feels right. And, when the dysphoria isn’t to bad, I feel happy. I mean, REALLY happy. But of course, I've never even been out of the house nor has anyone other than my wife seen me present on female mode. Maybe this is all a delusion and I'm just in denial that I'll never be accepted by anyone as a woman.

Can I be happy if I transition to female and still accept the male side of me? Will they blend together? I spent all last night and this morning being unhappy with my appearance. As soon as I presented as female everything was OK.

I'm afraid that eventually I'm going to have to pick between one or the other lest I go insane. If it comes to that, I know which one I'll pick and it scares the hell out of me.

Uh, on a happy note I actually wore pretty stuff today and if I might say so myself; I looked damn good in it. Most of my outfits are just like guy mode – black shirt and jeans, except that in female mode I wear a large Jr. tee-shirt and size seven flared pants. After I put my face on and got dressed I was so happy with my presentation, but I felt sad as it's not like anyone would ever see me. I think that I need some social validation so that I can start living part time in female mode.

This is why overcoming my social anxiety is my top priority in life. I NEED to be able to go out as a female and live my own life. If I'm always worried about other people judging me then I’ll never be able to grow into my own person.

So that's my cryptic post for the evening.

TLDR – I'm a woman and I just want to live the rest of my life as one. Uh, I think. Check with me tomorrow. =(   I just want it to stop and I want to be a woman.  Or a man.

Paige

TLDR – I'm a woman and I just want to live the rest of my life as one. Uh, I think. Check with me tomorrow. =( I just want it to stop.

Paige Abendroth

Dandelions and Snapdragons

This is a poem from my male aspect to my female aspect.  It was formulated in my mind while in guy mode, but I didn't actually write it down until I was in female mode just now.  As a result this brought out a lot of strange, conflicting emotions in me.  I cried very hard writing this, because I was so sad and because I was so happy.

Dandelions and Snapdragons -

It's taken me so long to remember you

Climbing the old willow tree

Jeans ripped at the knees

and covered in fresh grass stains

I scaled the brown branches

And I surveyed all that was mine from my platform in the sky

I saw you looking up at me.

Being awkward and alone

Neither boy nor girl

Unable to fight

or play football

Or relate to anyone I knew

Scared and confused

But you where there all the while

waiting for me to turn around and smile at you

And I never did

The onslaught of adolescence

Ravaging our body

Simple times split asunder

As our world grew darker

You called out for me

pleading

And I ran away as fast as I could

Life is a blur with many points of light

Like silver stars in the sky

But those beacons are few and far between

Suspended in darkness

For so many years you tried to make me see

But you were just a child

and I was a man

And I was terrified of you

And then came the day

When I broke into two

Unable to maintain this quiet facade

Shattered - I had no where left to hide

No place to run

And I could no longer deny

That I saw you

Your long, dirty blond hair

Sky blue eyes

And crooked smile

With jeans still ripped at the knees

Covered in bright green grass stains

I had almost convinced myself that you weren’t real

But you've always been there

Waiting for me

I've hurt you so much and I'm sorry

But this time things will be different

We'll be children again

Running through the woods

The sound of our small feet rhythmically drumming against the earth

Leaping over small creeks

Stopping to check for tadpoles and crayfish

Lying on our backs in the meadow

Hand in Hand

The bright sunlight warming our skin

laughing about nonsense

Watching the clouds drift by lazy

As if we had all the time in the world

For now on we'll be together

I will give you all the time you need

I will nurture and protect you until you grow strong

Forever shall I love you

And when you fall and skin your knee

I will lift you up in my arms

And I will give you a bouquet of

Dandelions and Snapdragons

New Creatures

I feel a lot better today than I did yesterday.  Anyway, I just dropped in to post a little poem I just wrote.

New creatures

Blister and slither

Beholden unto nothing

New Creatures are Born

The infallibility of infancy

The quiet decay of another day

Erupting forth from graveyard wombs

New Creatures come out at night

Bent and beautifully twisted

Wrapping around long spindles

They collapse and relapse

Well rehearsed decimation

Unnatural alien masses

Beautiful wild and lustful

Shrilly screaming triumphantly

As they murder the dawn

The New Creatures are coming

The gibbering mob crescendos

Spilling out unstoppable

Looting dirty looks and spit

Ravaging small bruised towns

Fucking on park benches

Glorious monsters rise

They sleep together now

huddled little horrors

In abandoned cars and mouldering cathedrals

Incubating abomination babies

Waiting to claim this world as their own

The New Creatures are here

Paige

And a poem

I started writing poetry again.  Uh, so far it's been really obvious how out of practice I am.  I finally wrote one that I'm happy with.  (So see?  A happy post!)


Poem # m3 = I am the Raven upon the back of the wolf -

I am The Raven upon the back of The Wolf.

When She is blind I can see
And I know that all is The Hunt
Four paws beat upon the ground
Frantic, rhythmic, incessant
as it should be

We seek
Satisfaction
Flesh and Knowledge

My Black Wings Spread
And I ascend

The lay of the land
and the wickedness of Man
His boarders mean nothing
We hunger
But at least that is something

Her Maw craves meat and lusts for blood
I await for absolution upon the back of the Wolf

I circle above the prey
I scream
I scream
I can't stop
Screaming

Help me
For I hunger as well

And then Her jaws collapse and silence his voice
Warm wet salt darkness
And she is complete

Again, I descend
To roost upon the dead.

I am the Raven upon the back of the Wolf

She hungers and I question

And never are we satisfied

Together and disconnected

Obscene love of The Flesh

Forever Hungry . . .

I am The Raven who Rides Upon the Back of The Wolf

My Eyes are Black as Night

And while she stalks you

I can't stop screaming

screaming

Your Name ~