On moving to Tumblr and how things have changed this year

Late last night I migrated my old blog to Tumblr.

This is my new blog! 

If you are reading this on blogger; this is the last time I will post here. If you are reading this on Tumblr – Hi! I'm Paige, a nerdy pansexual transbigenderqueer girl at your service! When I first came to the realization that I was bigender I began searching the internet for bigender blogs and the few I could find had very little content. Sooo I decided to start my own and here I am, 28 days away from this journals one year anniversary.

There were some formatting problems with the import, so earlier today I went through all my old posts and tried to clean them up as best I could. Working my way backwards through the old entries, I was amazed to see just how much things have changed for me over the course of the past year. I had this surreal feeling like I didn’t write those posts, even though I know I remember doing so.

I began this bigender journey as a boy that was sometimes a girl, emotionally devastated by the gender dysphoria that would come and go seemingly at random and terrified that this was going to destroy my marriage and the wonderful future my wife and I had been dreaming of. Today I know that I'm a girl that is sometimes a boy, I am transitioning so that my body will one day hopefully always look female and I'm in the process of getting divorced. A year ago I never could have imagined where my life would take me, but what I think would have surprised my past self the most is the fact that despite all the fear, pain, self loathing, emotional devastation and heart break that I've gone through – I survived.

And I'm getting stronger.

I feel like I'm nearing the half way point of some wonderful evolution of both my mind and body. I don't know where I'll end up or what the future has in store for me, but I finally feel like things are going to be OK in the long run. I'm not saying that I'm not terrified as I am. Transition has been the most intense and challenging thing I've ever had to do and I have a LONG way yet to go. Still, I'm hopeful, which is a far cry from where I was at a year ago.

If you are bigender, confused about your gender identity and you've just stumbled upon this journal I want you to know that you should be hopeful too. Because one day you'll know who you are and what you have to do to be happy and be at peace with your body. One of the reasons that I'm still sucking air is because of the awesome support I received at http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php?sid=873fb4d43dc19804f924275fa9dac51e If you are bigender and you haven’t taken advantage of this resource yet I strongly encourage you to do so. You are not alone.

So that's enough for now. Sleep sweetly my friends.

Paige

On My Marriage Ending

I haven’t posted for a while as I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stuff, and I knew that the next time I wrote it would have to be about this subject and I’ve been trying to avoid it. Since I realized that I was bigender my greatest fear has been that this would end my marriage. Now I can say that it has.

My wife and I have been separated for a while now. I’ve been living in the bed room which I’ve converted into a tiny flat and my wife living in the front room which she converted into a larger flat. We have been sharing the kitchen and bathroom of course. This arrangement worked for me and having my own bit of personal space has been very liberating and stress relieving.

A few weeks back I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. I asked her if she was ok and she said no. Long story short, we had a long talk and between sobbing, we both decided that we had no future together as a married couple and that it was over. It was something that I kind of knew was coming, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. We agreed that we had something special between us and that we would always be the closest of friends and that we would always be there for each other.

Now let’s fast forward to a couple days ago.

I was in my room on the computer like the good nerd that I am when my wife came in. She started to cry, and then she told me that she needs to get over me and that she wants me to move out of the house. I was shocked. We had gone through a bunch of drama before about who was going to live where and I thought that we were both happy with the current living arrangements. I like the little nest I’ve made for myself and I feel safe and comfortable where I’m at.

When she told me that she can’t stand to be around me because it hurts her so much I felt all the feelings of guilt and shame that I thought I was finally getting over come back stronger than ever before. It’s not my fault that I’m trans/bigender, but the fact that I am I’m hurting her just by being near her makes me feel like shit. I love her and the last thing I’d ever want to do would be to hurt her. If she can’t stand for me to be a part of her life then I have no other choice but to move.

But that’s not going to be so easy.

First of all, it’s my fucking house too. I pay the mortgage and up until recently I’ve paid all the bills as well. I want her to be safe and secure when she gets out of school so I’m going to sign over the condo to her when she is financially able to afford to pay the mortgage. I’m giving her everything I have to give. Until then we’re both on the lease and I have every right to live here. 

Next, it’s really easy to tell me to move out when I’m the one who has to find a new source of income to afford a new place and she doesn’t have to change anything, while I keep paying the mortgage on the condo that I can’t live in anymore. Am I the only one who thinks that’s kind of messed up? I’m starting to feel like I’m somehow being placed in the roll of the bad guy and now I’m supposed to atone for my sins by making enormous sacrifices for her. Again, I DIDENT WANT TO BE BIGENDER. I didn’t fucking ask to be like this. It happened, I changed as a person and I had no control over it.

I didn’t do anything wrong so why do I feel like I’m being punished in some way?

She told me that I should rent my room out so that I can pay to get a place with a roommate which was an old plan we had before, and that she would accept any roommate that I thought would be good. I didn’t realize it at first, but she’s kicking me out and she expects me to find her a roommate so I can make this happen?

Not only that, but it’s not like finding a place for me to stay is going to be easy. I’m transitioning and I’d need to find someone very tolerant and in the safe parts of San Diego where I won’t have to worry about walking down the street and being accosted. Maybe she doesn’t realize just how difficult this is going to be for me.

I’m going to have a long talk with my wife when I get some and then I’ll finish this post. To be continued

_______________________________________________________________________________

I can't stop crying. I can hardly see the monitor through my tears. It's really over. And by that I mean that the most important person to me in the entire world want's me completely out of her life. And out of her house. I don't know how to live like this. We've been together the past 11 ½ years. Every thing was so perfect. I'd never been so happy. Now it's all gone and I can't imagine ever being happy again. Ever being loved again.

For this past year she's always been there for me and she's done everything she could to help me to be happy. That's what she told me just now and she's right. I DIDENT WANT TO CHANGE. I hate myself but I don't know what else I could do? What should I have done? I never wanted to hurt her. Not in a million years but I broke her heart because of what I am. I hurt her so bad.

I feel like a fucking monster. A creature that came in and devoured her husband and took over his life. We had so many plans for the future. I wasted her life. I just want it to stop hurting. I want to stop hurting her.

And so now the life that I've built up for her and I is gone and I have nothing. There's nothing left for me here.

I did everything for her. I woke up in the morning for her and I'd lie down beside her when going to bed I'd think about how incredibly lucky I was that I met the perfect woman for me. God I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just don’t want to be here anymore. She wants me out of her life and I live for her.

I never knew anything could hurt this bad. I tried to explain to her that this is hard for me too and she got angry at me and yelled at me. She told me that any sane woman would have kicked me out six months ago. I CANT FUCKING HELP IT. I cant stop being trans. I wanted it to go away so bad. I used to be so happy and now just when I think I'm starting to accept myself. . . this. If something was wrong I could always make it better for her and this time I just couldn't. I cant fucking fix this.

My life is over. Ever since I first saw her back at Naval Hospital Yokosuka I knew that she was special and I wanted to make her happy. I've fucking failed. I just wanted to make her happy and instead I wasted her youth and ruined her life.

I got responsible. I got a good work ethic, I became good with managing money. She made me want to be a better man for her. I built up this whole new self and I grew up so I could take care of her. I tried to be a good husband. I thought that I was.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I never thought that I would be alone again. I thought everything was going to be OK and that there was nothing that we couldn’t work through because of how much we loved each other. I feel like I wasn’t alive before I met her. I don't remember who I was. Now that she's gone I'm completely lost. I've lost everything and I have nothing left.

I don’t know why I do the things I do. Why I'm even bothering to write this down. I know I need to go exercise and I need to eat. I don't have any reason to any more. I don't want to hurt myself because then I'd hurt my friends and my family but it's so fucking hard.

This is the worst day of my life. I don't know what to do. Everything I've loved and cherished for the past 10 years, it's gone and there's nothing left for me except unbearable pain. It hurts too much.

Getting ready to come out!

The Stars Are Right!

No, Great Cthulhu isn’t going to make his return just yet, (Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn) but it IS time for me to finally come out of the closet as bigender to my family and old friends. After a lot of emotional turmoil, self loathing and unbearable guilt, I'm finally perfectly happy and proud to be bigender and I want everyone to know it.

I feel bad about keeping this from my family for such a long time, but until this point I just wasn’t ready to handle the strong emotion feedback I'll likely receive. Now I've been on HRT for almost six months and my former partner and I are separated. They deserve to know what's going on with me, even if they don't like it.

(Note – it makes me sad to type that last bit. We're still technically married and I don't know what else to call her. She calls me her “roommate”, but shes more than that to me. “Former partner” is the best I can think up.)

Until I'm out to the world I feel like I won't be able to fully claim my identity as a queer person. No one should have to hide who they are from anyone just because they are scared of rocking the boat. I don't want to just be out on the internet, but in the real world acting as an advocate for bigender and non-gender conforming people everywhere.

My biggest fear is of course rejection. I'm worried that when I come out, the people who I've known all my life will suddenly hate me, and I’m the sort of person whose not comfortable with the fact that there's people out there that don't like me. However, seeing how I'm now resting comfortable beneath the Trans Umbrella, I suppose that’s just something I'm going to have to get used to. I've never been super close to my family, but I still love them and I hope that they'll still care about me when this is over.

If not – tough shit.

If someone is going to reject me just for being who I am then I don't want anything to do with them anymore, be they family member or old friend. I've gone through hell and back over the course of this past year and I'm not about to let anyone’s bigotry invalidate my identity, nor am I going to let anyone make me feel bad for being me. I'm transbigenderqueer and I'm fucking magical.

I think that Friday shall be “The Day”. I'll call my Mum, then my sisters and then my brother. I think that my brother is the person most likely to accept me so if everyone else freaks out hopefully he'll have my back. I've prepared a message for Facebook as well, which is how I'll come out to the rest of my family and the world. I think it's pretty good but it lacks a certain warmth. I'll have another crack at it tomorrow. It has to be just right.

I'm feeling good, it's pride month and on the 18^th it'll be my six month HRT anniversary. Unleash the motherfucking rainbow!

Paige

The Paige and The Pendulum

Hello bloggy, my old nemesis. At least we meet again, although this time - we fight to the death! Have at you!

Sorry, just trying to spice things up.

So for the past few months I’ve been pretty dead set on transition and I’d lost most of my male identity. Then over the course of the past couple weeks I’ve been in guy mode more and more. A lot more. My therapist told me last night that my gender “pendulum” is swinging back the other way again, but I already knew that.

In a way I’m disappointed. As I’ve mentioned in the past, when I’m in female mode I can’t imagine that I’d ever want to be a man and I get rather obsessed with the idea of transition. I really thought my gender identity had stabilized enough that I could make a flexible plan in regards to my future, but it seems that’s not going to be the case. I had already decided that I needed to put the brakes on everything and to slow down until I was in a better place mentally before I came to this realization, so it doesn’t effect anything too profoundly which is good. Still I’m a little bummed out.

A little bummed out vs. profoundly depressed, which is what’s happened to me when going into this state of mind in the past. Now that I’ve been through this a few times I think I’m getting a little better at dealing with it. Like riding a wave instead of letting it crash over my head, pulling me underwater. I can’t control my gender changes and I may never be able to. That’s something that I’m going to just have to accept. Maybe down the road something will change, but for the time being I have to learn to accept the fact that my gender may never be static.

Acceptance is the big word here. I need to accept that being bigendered is an intrinsic part of who I am, and I have to accept myself for whom and what I am, regardless of what gender I happen to be. I think I’m taking my first steps towards that, but I have a long way to go. Still, I can tell that this is getting easier over time and that’s a reassuring feeling.

Elsewhere in the news I start DBT this Thursday afternoon. Group therapy quite frankly scares the shit out of me so I’m both looking forward to it and being terrified at the same time. Perhaps if I could combine those two emotions I’d just feel indifferent about the whole thing?  Paige Abendroth - emotional alchemist.  Eh, maybe not.

Someone relatively new to the forums over at Bigender.net had made a post yesterday about how she felt like being bigender and what she's currently going through, and that same post could have been written by me maybe nine months ago.  It's amazing how we as Bigender people share this unique experience, one that the average person could never really understand.  Heck, I don't even completely understand it myself.  It made me a little happy to think about how far I've come and it made me a little sad, to see that someone else is just starting to go through it. 

Yesterday evening I was on the phone with someone and she asked me to describe how I know when I'm a woman vs. when I'm male.  I said something like, "if you took away all of your physical characteristics how would you know you're still female?  It's something that you just KNOW."  Your average cisgendered person never thinks about this stuff because they don't have too.  But if you fall somewhere under the trans-umbrella you become hyper-aware of your gender(s).  (Or of course you can have no gender at all for that matter.)  

I afraid that when I tell people I'm bigendered they're not going to understand and they'll assume I'm a cross-dresser.  (Not that there's anything wrong with being a cross dresser mind you.)  I don't "pretend" I'm a woman for fun, there's nothing sexual about it and I don't dress in frilly pink dresses and prance around the house.  (But again, not like there's anything wrong with doing that if it's your cup of tea.)  I wear the same types of cloths in both modes - a black shirt with a band logo on it and blue jeans.  Whoo-hoo.  They are of course male and female tee-shits and blue-jeans though, and that's just to make myself feel comfortable.  

I guess that part of accepting myself will be accepting that other people don't accept me.  That's something to think about.  I think that's a good spot to end this entry, have fun and take care.

Paige

I'm Science!

Well, kind of.  Some time ago I volunteered to take part in a study concerning bigendered persons at UCSD. I ended up in Scientific American. http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/2012/04/19/ramachandrans-lab-looks-into-whether-you-can-be-a-man-in-the-morning-and-a-woman-at-night/ Well, as a lab rat anyway. I was the person who had a poor vocabulary in guy mode and who couldn’t throw a dart for crap in girl mode. Sorry I broke the tip off your black plastic dart Laura. =P

The attention to this study has surprised me to say the least. My point of contact was Laura Chase, who was/is a student of the famed neuroscientist Vilayanur S. Ramachandran. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vilayanur_S._Ramachandran At the time I had no idea just how famous this guy is; I just wanted to contribute the the understanding of bigenderism.

I was shocked when they said they would pay me money to study me as I was happy to donate my time for free. I know that bigenderism is not an act, or a way-station to transgenderism. It's a very specific gender identity and my hope was that I could add some legitimacy to our cause.

They did multiple tests on me over the next few months, but I'm hesitant to say what they were in the event that this study expands. (And I hope it does.) The problem is that people might learn what the tests are and then look them up on the internet. Then, unintentionally or deliberately, will contaminate the test results. That kind of situation would hurt all of us as we struggle for recognition amongst the scientific community.

I'm very excited to have participated in this study. The implications regarding gender identify vs. personal identity from a neurological standpoint are staggering. If it's capable for a person to switch genders, not just in an psychological sense but neurologically, how will this effect how neurologists study the brain and personal identity in the future? While these investigations are still in their infancy, I look forward to said outcomes.

Identifying as a bigendered person is not science. It's an identity that some of us choose to adopt because we identify that way. No one can ever take your personal identity away from you so long as you refuse to let them. Personal identity is just that – personal. You are who you are, and the only person who can make that decision is yourself.

Paige

Trying to figure out how to come out as Bigender

So I'm about thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to coming out to my family but I'm not quite sure how I want to go about doing it. I am transitioning to a more female body as that's the gender I primarily identify as, but I still flip into guy mode regularly.

On a side note, I've noticed that when I'm taking care of business matters or making important decisions I tend to automatically flip into guy mode. It's weird; like the male part of my brain is an administrator or something.

Ok, back on track. I HATE being in the closet. I believe in being open and honest with everyone, for better or worse. I mean, here I am writing about the most intimate, personnel details of my life on a public blog. For me, being in the closet mean being ashamed of who I am, and I don't want to live my life that way. I'm already shy and self-conscious as it is. I'm never going to be able to fully accept myself if I keep hiding who I truly am from everyone.

Coming out as trans seems like the easiest option. (Well, it won't be easy, don't get me wrong.) I mean, people are clueless and baffled about transgenderism as it is, but NO ONE knows what the hell bigender is. The conundrum there is that yet again I will not be 100% honest as despite transitioning, I primarily identify as being bigendered.

What I think I'll do is call my Mom first and tell her what's going on. Despite how she takes it I'm going to send her a copy of this book. http://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Explained-For-Those-Who/dp/1449029574/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1335122705&sr=1-1 Hopefully that might clarify things. Then I'll call my little sisters and then my stepbrother. That takes care of the family members who I feel closest to.

Since several members of my family are on Facebook I'll come out there next. All my old friends from back in the day are there too. Before I come out I'm going to purge my friends list so only the people who need to know will see my message. I believe in the cycle of renewal so I've made a new Facebook profile, and I'll let everyone know that if they aren’t too freaked out they can send a friend invite to that one as I'll be shelving the profile I'm currently using.

My family is, for the most part, very conservative so I'm not expecting much support or acceptance. That's going to hurt. I'm afraid of rejection, but if I let that fear keep me in the closet then I'll be stuck there indefinitely. As for my old friends . . . I have no idea. I think that this will freak them the fuck out, but I have no clue as to how they will respond. I hope they won't be too mean.

Whatever happens I know that a great burden will be lifted off my chest. No more hiding what I look like, my political opinions or anything else for that matter. I'll be able to let my freak-flag fly tall and proud. I have another appointment with my gender therapist tomorrow so I'll bring this up with her before setting a time table.

That's all I got for the moment. Now I have to go and fire my old psychiatrist. Good times.

Paige

HRT kicks ass

I kind of have a body image problem regarding my female presentation. (OK, so it's really bad.) A little while ago I was going through and purging all the old pictures on my phone when I came across one that I'd taken before starting hormones. (A pic that I'd originally took to document how I used to look before HRT, and had subsequently forgotten about actually.)

Anyway, I was checking the calendar and I was surprised to see that it's only been four months since I started on estrogen and even earlier on Spiro. (Jan 13th to be exact for the E.) I thought it was six. So four months ago almost to the day this is what I used to look like pre hrt-



And about 10 mins ago -



Umm, that's not quite what I had expected on the low, newby dose of estrogen that I'm on. (Hopefully they will be increasing said dosage next week when I see my Doc.) Seeing how I'm 32 I figured that hrt would hardly effect me at all, but even though I'm super critical of myself even I can't deny that I look different. (In a good, more feminine way.)

Moral of the story - hormones kick ass, (if taken safely under a doctors supervision blah, blah) and if you feel like you need to be on them then do so as soon as you can. Don't let anyone try to tell you to wait if you know that it's what you need to make you happy regardless of your life situation.

Quick edit - If anyone has before and after pictures they feel comfortable sharing that might be nifty.

Alas, yet another quick update in which I have little to say

Aaaand yet I post anyway, because writing this crap is like therapy to me. My gender therapist told me that I would be crying a lot for no reason due to the HRT. I AM crying a lot, but I think that I have some pretty damn good reasons for doing so. Last night it was really bad again. Didn’t get to sleep until aprox 0200. Right now I'm literally living for the weekend, because that's the only when when I can get some fucking sleep.

I tried yoga as mentioned in a previous post, as I was looking into doing some more “feminine” (gender labeling, I know it's silly) exercises. I tried a few different instruction videos and I felt really awkward and not at all comfortable with them. I got frustrated and I started to feel sorry for myself, but then I said “fuck it”, and I proceeded to work out with my kettle-bells which kicked my ass and made me happy.

So I know that I need a high activity exercise to keep me interested. Kettle-bells are amazing as they work your core muscles while still giving you an amazing calorie burning workout. I've been doing interval training with them and it kicks the shit out of me.

Things are going better at home and at the same time it's also awkward. My wife seems to be a lot happier which is awesome as I've been worried about her. However, I currently have a platonic relationship with my spouse which feels strange and is a HUGE change from how our old relationship was like.

Last night she mentioned that things seemed better between us and I agreed, but I also tried to attempt to address our personal issues as they have really been bothering me. Our conversation is personal, but it ended on an awkward note and instead of addressing the issue she put on her headphones. In her defense, I was scared to go deeper into the conversation and I failed to speak up, afraid of what the consequences might be. I was hoping she would say something first. What I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty scared. It's hard for me to imagine us not being together but at the same time I can't see us going back to the way things used to be. She's not going to suddenly become a lesbian and I'm probably never going to be comfortable assuming the aggressive male role in the bedroom ever again.

We have an open relationship so maybe that will keep us both from going crazy. Maybe we will find our own lives outside the house and eventually drift apart. Maybe we will remain the awesome kick ass team that we are, and we will just have a very unconventional relationship that is still beautiful and lasts through the years. Maybe she will grow disgusted with me and it will end in a bitter divorce. Maybe I will come to a point where I feel like my relationship to her is holding me back and I will have to end it, which would be fucking awful of me and also lead to a bitter divorce. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The worst thing about this besides the fact that I've messed up all our plans for the future is the uncertainty. We pretty much had the rest of our lives mapped out before this. Now? Who the fuck knows. I need her and for now she needs me. I just wish things were simpler like they used to be when I knew (or I thought I knew) where my life was taking me. We are both stuck in a holding pattern over a major city and we are slowly running out of fuel.

Page J. Abendroth

(P.S. - Any advise would be very welcome right now.)

So stuff is like, happening. Also – Things!!! (And more!)

I've been waiting a while to post because I wanted to have stuff to write about and now I wonder if I will have enough time to say everything that I want too. So is life. Things have been pretty eventful as of late. In mostly a good way.

I have locked in a date for my laser resurfacing – March 30^th at 0800. I am sooo excited and nervous at the same time. This is the next milestone for me in my transition and it also addresses a very personal self-image issue that I've had since I was in my early teens when my body betrayed me.

In retrospect I think that something went wrong in utero and I was really supposed to be born female. Testosterone has done nothing but wreck havoc on my body. Since I got on estrogen and spiro my acne has gone away, I feel better about everything, I'm not nearly as depressed as I used to be, (not counting the gender dysphoria, which is as bad as ever) and I feel more grounded and centered than I ever have been in the past.

I am trying to have low expeditions so that I'm not disappointed with the outcome of my surgery, (it's not going to make me look like I have always had flawless skin) but at the same time it's soooo important to me that I can't help to imagine what I will look like when I have fully recovered. This is a huge goal post in my transition plan. After I am healed I start electro and save for my up for first round of FFS. If I decide to go the FFS route, then it will mean that I've committed to a full transition.

Which reminds me of another issue that I'm dealing with at the moment. My gender therapist is shocked at how different I look after three months on a relatively low dose of hormones. Quite frankly when I look in the mirror I am too. I suspected that I would take well to estrogen well but not THIS well. On one hand I am super happy. On the other I'm scared.

I am bigender. While the gender equivalent of my magnetic poles has shifted, I still have times when I identify as a man and I'm worried that I'm going to reach a point (soon) where it will be hard to present as one. Then will come the questions and the mis-gendering, and it will force me out before long.

Now I LOVE my evening walk. It's the bestest part of my day. It centers my entire being, and I get some of my best thinking, and non-thinking, done then. Today when I took my stroll I felt extremely uncomfortable the entire time. Cars full of people would pass and I felt eyes staring at me. My hair, my face, the configuration of my body are loosing/have lost strong male identifiers. I am approaching that awkward point when people are having a hard time assigning a gender to me. Uh, it probably didn’t help that even in a large male shirt I was. . . uh. . . pointy. Yeah, I'm taking well to estrogen.

My therapist recommended that I take up a more “female”exercise routine and I thought the idea was brilliant. As a male I was used to going anywhere I wanted at any time. As a transgender person I am not only in danger for being targeted for assault because I'm female, but I am at extra high risk of being targeted because I don't conform to cisgender stereotypes. Basically there are people out there looking to catch me alone so they can kill me.

Sooo tomorrow I start yoga! At first I was sad to give up walking but now I'm very excited. I've wanted to do it for a while and regarding my spirituality; it's very much in line with where I'm at in this moment of my life. It seems like a perfect fit.

On Tuesday I saw a Dr. regarding my HRT. She said that I should take my E every 10 days instead of every 14 as I've been experiencing some pretty strong mood swings. Then again, I'm basically going through a second puberty right now so I suppose that's to be expected.

<< Random thought's on HRT -

As a man when I got pissed about something I would stew over it for hours and it was really hard to let that anger go. As a woman I get pissed, then I quickly get over it and move on. This has actually had a big impact on my life and it's neat! OK, back to the show>>

Tonight I saw my gender therapist which brings us up to speed I suppose. I'm amazed at how she always manages to steer the conversation in a direction that ultimately results in me recognizing some profound truth about my self which subsequently has a dramatic, life changing effect on me. Yeah, he's that good.

So here I am, alone, scared and androgynous. I feel a need to change, but how far do I take it, and what is the point of no return? Am I really prepared to lose everything to be the woman that I see myself as?

What if I don't want to come out at work but the changes on my body are so dramatic that I have to out myself due to pressure from my peers?

I'm going to take this as slow as possible. I know that in the not to distant future that I will have to spill the beans. I hope that I still have some time. I'm fucking terrified.

Page

A post in which I just kind of go with it.

All dressed up and no where to go as usual. I'm feeling very happy with my presentation today. Happy but realistic. I'll never pass at this point, but I've made a lot of progress and that makes me smile. I just feel this scene that all is right with my body, biochemically speaking, now that I have estrogen coursing through my veins and spiro blocking off any latent testosterone in my system. I feel calm, fuzzy, snuggley and tingly.

Now that I have some money in my transition war-chest it's time for action. Tomorrow I'm calling the plastic surgery place I picked out some months ago for a consult to get the laser resurfacing done to my face. My face is. . . .I really, really hate it and once I heal from the procedure I plan on starting to go out in public. The night before the procedure I'm getting my ears pierced too, or maybe right after I heal, who knows. Maybe I'll get some other stuff pierced too! That'll be fun.

I'm in a much better place today than I was yesterday, that's for sure. Last night I met with with two people from bigender.net, one who I know and one who I hadn’t met yet. They are both super nice and awesome people. While I'm doing much better on the shyness, (I was wearing women's jeans and a female cut shirt, which is something I never would have been able to do before) I'm still very socially awkward. It sucks and frustrates the hell out of me.

As I mention frequently on this journal I'm an introvert and I love being alone, but I still like people and I want to make friends. I'm a pretty weird person, even without the whole bigender thing, but just simple stuff like small talk and casual conservation is a struggle. (I DREAD small talk.) I don't know if it's just that I have nothing in common with anyone, I'm so out of practice socializing that I forgot how to or maybe it's just that because I'm so weird that I need to figure out my own way to interact with people?

That last idea gives me pause and warrants further investigation. See, I knew there was a reason for writing this shit down. Maybe I'm trying to hard to act normal? I should just act like the weirdo that I am?

Leslie was saying that she want's to take a few days vacation from the house to rent a hotel room and just to be alone while she does her school work without distraction. I'm totally cool with that. Is that wrong? We have an interesting relationship.

OH! Another reason I've been depressed is that I ran out of my anti depression meds. Cause and effect, no? On Wednesday evening I have an appointment with my shrink to get some more. During the day time I also have an appointment with my general practice doctor who I haven’t seen in a while. Boy is she going to be surprised. =P I think what I'll say is, “Doc, have you ever had a transgender patient?” and let it go from there.

I think it's time to end this stream of conscious entry. Damn the torpedoes.

A very special, sleepy update (Plus HRT!)

I am very sleepy, so this should make for an interesting status update, and by interesting I mean rambling and incoherent.  Yay!

The big news is that after all this time I finally started on hormones today! I got the injection-type as I wanted them to be as safe and quick acting as possible. My doc said he was going to prescribe me sprio but for some reason it wasn’t on the script, so I need to call the clinic tomorrow.

So far no breasts yet! I'll check and see if they've grown in by tomorrow. =P

But seriously, I think that my body will take to hrt well. That being said I am keeping my expatiation’s low. I am 32 after all, so the changes should be relatively minor. It will bring me closer to me goal of appearing androgynous in “neutral” mode, and by all accounts from the fine lady’s at bigender.net it should help with my dysphoria, which is going to be a huge deal for me. I am now official beginning phase two of my diabolical, master plan. My next step is to get the laser resurfacing treatment done to my face. More on that as the situation develops.

Speaking of my dysphoria, I've been handling it pretty well lately. Life in general has been pretty good, mood-wise. Every day I try to stay mindful as much as I can remember too, and it's making a huge difference in how much my social phobia effects me. (As in, I'm doing wonderful.) Like a manta I tell myself over and over again, “I will not judge myself and I will not judge anyone else.” I keep slipping up, like someone will annoy me for some silly reason, but then I am able to catch myself and I instead try to love that person as much as I can manage. I've also learned to finally except and love myself for who I am. Now that I can love myself it's so much easier to love other people. Just a month ago I never could have imagine that I would say something like that.

When I am awake I like to think that I am outside of myself, like my conscious is floating above my head like a little silver cloud. While the “small I” is walking around doing whatever, the part of me that is free observes the world and tries to see the true, empty nature of the world. That probably sounds weird. Maybe I shouldn’t try to write about the heavy stuff when I'm so tired.

Books! I finished Pilgrims to Openness: Direct Realization Tantra in Everyday Life which was good, although I didn’t like how the author kept introducing new terms without explaining them. What made it worse was that she would use a regular word of phrase and then assign some alternate meaning to it, and she left it up to the reader to figure out what she was getting at.

While I wait for my physical books to arrive in the mail I've begun reading Love, Freedom, and Aloneness: A New Vision of Relating by my man Osho on my kindle. That wonderful, bearded guru is amazing and so far I've loved everything I've read by him. (And I've learned so much.) The book is all about love, and thus far, he talks about how wrong we've got it. I'm to sleepy to give this topic justice so I'll save it for another time. It's really cool, life altering stuff though. (Huh, lot's of life altering stuff/revelations lately. Neat!)

Which (somehow) brings me to sleep, or lack thereof. (I knew this was going to be a rambling entry.) Why the fuck can't I sleep! I don't want to sleep but my mind and body is exhausted. Then when I am finally able to fall asleep I wake up at least an hour before I have to get up for work. I'm averaging four hours of “good” sleep per night and that shit's taking it's toll. My meditation book should be here in the next day or so and I'm reading that next. Maybe that will help.

That's enough for now. I'd say on a scale of 1-10, one being “I want to die” and 10 being a state of pure, uninterrupted bliss I'm at like a 4 ½, which is a far cry from where I was at when I started this little blog.

Cheers, and I hope you sleep sweet. (Godess knows I wish that I could.)

Pete and Page

Just checking in

 

Note - I actually wrote this yesterday afternoon.

So for the past few months I’ve been sleeping an average of four hours per night. I have no idea how I am still able to function but I am. Page hadn’t come out for almost a week and she didn’t want to go to bed yesterday evening. Finally I had to force “us” to. Then as usual I woke up at like 0400 and couldn’t fall back to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. 

This used to happen before due to my anxiety and Trezadone did the trick. (I still take it before I go to bed.) Maybe I need to increase the dosage or something. While in general these past few days I’ve felt better than I have in months about myself and the future there is still something obviously disturbing my mind, preventing me from sleeping soundly.

On a plus note despite my lack of sleep I feel pretty darn good, if not groggy. My mood continues to be better than it has been in a very long time as well. I have a couple social situations coming up, and I’m actually looking forward to them as opposed to worrying about them. So far, the self doubts that occasionally flair up are quickly brushed aside as I realize such thoughts to be the ridicules things that they are.

This weekend my wife and I are going to hang out with the in-laws and with a friend from online.  I’ll have a good opportunity to practice not judging myself or being afraid of other people judging me. I’m giving myself permission to feel uncomfortable at times and if things don’t work out and I become overwhelmed I will forgive myself and keep trying without feeling as though I’ve failed in any way.  Fuck you social phobia!


I've been feeling a bit dysphoric lately but not very bad.   Only five days until I begin HRT!  If there's something wrong with my lab results I think I'm going to start crying right there in the doctors office.  I guess it's time to make an appointment with my regular family practice doctor to let her know what's been going on with me.  Holy shit, am I going to need an obgyn? 


What an interesting life.

Some small smidgen of enlightenment.

This morning when I woke up everything made sense. That might seem silly but that's how I feel. For weeks I've been searching for meaning and happiness and now I finally feel like I'm on the right path.
I believe that the potential for happiness is within all of us. When I say happiness I'm talking pure, cosmic, orgasmic joy. Most people will only experience such a feeling for fleeting moments at a time. I believe that through training and practice that one could experience this sensation all the time.

I've been trained and conditioned my entire to life to judge myself negatively. In turn I've learned to judge others the same. But why? When you judge someone you exert some sort of perceived control over them. I'm right and you are wrong. This is foolish. As long as someone is not hurting themselves or anyone else how can they be wrong in anything they do?

If I'm ever going to be happy I need to stop judging myself and giving other people permission to judge me. Instead of letting my mental conditioning dictate my feelings I'm going to do my best to remain mindful of what's going on around me so that I can identify the things that upset me and then dismiss them as the nonsensical thoughts that they are. I realize that this is going to take years of training, but it's something I know I can do and I've given myself permission to not be perfect.

My new philosophy is one of love. Instead of hating myself as I have for so long I'm going to love myself. In turn I'm going to love everyone else as best I can. I think that at the core of our being everyone is capable of pure love; it's just that some people have problems with their mind that prevent them from experiencing this. Be it through environmental conditioning or perhaps through a medical defect, some people are cruel and hurtful. I will do my best to love the part of those people that is capable of love and to forgive them for their hostility.

Throughout my life, nothing has ever made me happier than helping other people to be happy. That's exactly what I'm going to focus on doing utilizing the science of Tantra. I feel like the storm that's been raging in my heart, my desperate search for purpose, has come to an end. (At least this particular storm, as I'm sure there will be others.) So now I finally have a direction and a general idea of where I want to go. What a relief, and what a joyous feeling.
Mabey I'll even sleep tonight! =P

Pete/Page