On moving to Tumblr and how things have changed this year

Late last night I migrated my old blog to Tumblr.

This is my new blog! 

If you are reading this on blogger; this is the last time I will post here. If you are reading this on Tumblr – Hi! I'm Paige, a nerdy pansexual transbigenderqueer girl at your service! When I first came to the realization that I was bigender I began searching the internet for bigender blogs and the few I could find had very little content. Sooo I decided to start my own and here I am, 28 days away from this journals one year anniversary.

There were some formatting problems with the import, so earlier today I went through all my old posts and tried to clean them up as best I could. Working my way backwards through the old entries, I was amazed to see just how much things have changed for me over the course of the past year. I had this surreal feeling like I didn’t write those posts, even though I know I remember doing so.

I began this bigender journey as a boy that was sometimes a girl, emotionally devastated by the gender dysphoria that would come and go seemingly at random and terrified that this was going to destroy my marriage and the wonderful future my wife and I had been dreaming of. Today I know that I'm a girl that is sometimes a boy, I am transitioning so that my body will one day hopefully always look female and I'm in the process of getting divorced. A year ago I never could have imagined where my life would take me, but what I think would have surprised my past self the most is the fact that despite all the fear, pain, self loathing, emotional devastation and heart break that I've gone through – I survived.

And I'm getting stronger.

I feel like I'm nearing the half way point of some wonderful evolution of both my mind and body. I don't know where I'll end up or what the future has in store for me, but I finally feel like things are going to be OK in the long run. I'm not saying that I'm not terrified as I am. Transition has been the most intense and challenging thing I've ever had to do and I have a LONG way yet to go. Still, I'm hopeful, which is a far cry from where I was at a year ago.

If you are bigender, confused about your gender identity and you've just stumbled upon this journal I want you to know that you should be hopeful too. Because one day you'll know who you are and what you have to do to be happy and be at peace with your body. One of the reasons that I'm still sucking air is because of the awesome support I received at http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php?sid=873fb4d43dc19804f924275fa9dac51e If you are bigender and you haven’t taken advantage of this resource yet I strongly encourage you to do so. You are not alone.

So that's enough for now. Sleep sweetly my friends.

Paige

It's starting to get better

More and more frequently when I look into the mirror I see a woman looking back at me, and she’s always a welcome sight. Sometimes I still look hopelessly male and I curse my reflection, but most of the time now I see the woman who I was always meant to be taking the place of the male body I so loathed, and I’m filled with overwhelming joy. There are some major male identifiers that won’t change without surgical intervention and I can accept that now. If things keep going the way they have been it will be just fine.

Ever since puberty I’ve had a major body image problem. Most of it had to do with my acne, but when I looked at the faces of other men I never saw myself in them. I always thought something was off and I could never put a finger on it before. When I first came out to myself the body dysphoria I experienced was soul crushing and it nearly overwhelmed me. After what I’ve been through up to this point, it’s hard for me to describe how wonderful I feel now. Even with still having a long way to go things are significantly better that they were before, and the sensation of dysphoria which once seemed to be so pervasive every waking moment of my life has greatly diminished to the point where a bad attack of it is rare.

It’s not just about my physical appearance though. My behaviors, likes, dislikes, the way I filter information and the way I perceive the world around me has changed as well. I think a lot of it had to do with moving out of the condo. There was a part of my brain that was clinging onto my masculinity for my Ex I think, and once I was in the new apartment the female side of me took over for the most part. My roommate says that the changes in my behavior have been profound, but I never really noticed until he pointed it out to me. (Apparently I’m a typical shy girl or something like that.) I just act normal and go with whatever feels right.

When I flip into guy mode now it’s just as disarming as it used to be when I flipped into girl mode. In guy mode I’m not dysphoric about my body; I’m dysphoric with my brain, which probably sounds crazy. It’s like something is off with my mind and my way of thinking. I’m kind of repulsed by my male brain and I wish it would just go away.

I don’t always notice the switching. I was watching something on TV with my roommate maybe a week ago and he made an innocent, jokingly suggestive comment and I burst out laughing. He told me that he could tell I was in guy mode because in girl mode I would have blushed. (I’m very bashful.) I suddenly felt almost ashamed, like if someone was to have told me that I was acting like a girl back when I primarily identified as a male. Am I that different in guy mode vs. girl mode? And how can one person be so different and still be the same person? Being bigender is confusing.

But still, even with the flipping I’m more convinced now than ever that transitioning is the right thing for me. I used to be afraid of the male part of my brain getting body dysphoria the more female I appear, but that hasn’t been the case at all. In fact, I can’t wait till I get to the point when I can’t pass as male anymore. I already did 31 years are a male and I didn’t like it much. I think female will suit me better, and I make a better looking than I ever did a man anyway.  Heck, I might even be pretty someday.

Paige

Overdue entry

This is the longest I've ever gone without posting and I apologize. I think this entry will just mostly be a general update on my current status to bring things up to speed so that we can get that out of the way for any future entries. After this I plan on getting back to my frequent posting schedule. This journal has been very therapeutic for me and it's one of those things that I need to doing for myself.

I'm currently living in Normal Heights, ranting out a small two bedroom apartment with my best friend.. Money is extremely tight right now but I'm managing to keep my head above water. Once my wife rents out my old room at the condo things should get a lot better. The apartment I'm living in is small but I have my own room and it's nice and quiet. The area is full of cool stores and shops and I can quickly get to anywhere in San Diego from here as we're centrally located now, so that's neat I guess.

As far as my transition is concerned, it's going OK but there's considerable room for improvement. My Dr. bumped up my estrogen to 40mg from 20mg which made me very happy, but now it's down again because my stupid prolactin levels were too high. After I moved out it was like the hormones started effecting me better or something because I recently started looking more feminine than I had before, which is awesome and I'm very happy about that. My breasts just had (or are still having) a little growth spurt and this weekend I'm going bra shopping. I'm both terrified and excited at the same time. =P

Today I flipped into guy mode harder than I have in a long time and I found it to be very uncomfortable. When I'm in guy mode now it's kind of like when I used flip to girl mode when I first started down this path, but without the body dysphoria thank the goddess. I'm still in guy mode right now, typing these words while I cook dinner. *Checks on curry really quick.* I have regular minor flips occasionally but most of the time I'm in female mode now and I'd prefer to stay there. I hope that over time this just stops and I wont be bigender anymore, just trans, but after today I'm a little less optimistic.

I'm still not going out in girl mode yet and it's a huge problem for me. My social-anxiety seems to be getting worse and I'm worried that the therapy is not helping. My depression has been very bad as of late also. I'm so lonely. I need to meet new people, make new friends that are like me but I'm having trouble going out in guy mode as it is. I don't know what to do to fix this. I'm scared that something is wrong with me and that I'll never be able to connect with anyone again now that my wife is gone.

I'm trying my best to hold it together. I'm going to have to do something soon though. I need to go out and start living my life as Paige. To experience the world as a female and to discover just what sort of woman I am. Something is going to break soon and I hope it's not my mind.

Well, I suppose I should count my blessings all things considered. I'm moderately healthy, I have a good friend close by, my kitty still loves me, I have a stable job, I've been blessed with an androgynous body and my family supports me. Also, I'm going through transition and a divorce, two of the most stressful events that a person could go through, at the same time and I'm still here looking forward to tomorrow.

If I can make it through this I'll be fucking invincible.

Well, that the short version of where I'm at. I promise to write more frequently!

Paige

P.S. - OMFG Chocolate.

On emotions between Testosterone vs. Estrogen

Hellooooo.

It’s been a while so before I delve into today’s topic I just wanted to bring you up to speed on what’s been going on in my life.  At the moment my friend has moved into the condo temporarily and it looks like we will probably get an apartment together out in town.  My wife/ex wants’ me out of her life so the sooner the better.  Over the course of this weekend I need figure out how to go about renting out the room I’m currently staying in and I also need to do some preliminary apartment hunting.

My dysphoria has been bad lately.  I know that there’s only so much I can do regarding my physical appearance, but in my eyes I don’t look nearly feminine enough to ever blend in.  Sometimes I really just feel like a tall awkward guy in drag and it sucks.  I kind of bounce back and forth from being really happy with the changes that have occurred to my body, to feeling like I’ll never be accepted as female no matter what I do.  I have a male mind also and while in guy mode I’m perfectly happy with the feminization of my body (as I realize it’s the only way I’ll be happy) I also balk at the idea of going all uber fem.  I’m just a very non-conforming person and it’s complicating my transition, which is already a complicated process as it is.  Yay transbigenderqueer.

What I really wanted to write about today are the changes in my emotions that I’m going through on HRT.  It’s been five months since I got my first shot and while I’ve undergone some major physical changes I’ve also been experiencing various changes mentally as well.  One of the most profound changes is how I experience and express my emotions.

I’ve been a sensitive and emotional person all my life.  However, on testosterone I never really wanted to express those emotions to anyone in a significant way.  Men are typically taught that non-aggressive emotional expressions are a sign of weakness, probably because said non-aggressive emotions are often times associated with femininity.  By that logic, society teaches that women are inherently weaker than men, which goes to show you how deeply ingrained misogyny is in our culture.  But I digress.

In addition to being taught not to express my emotions as a male, there’s also a hormonal factor that plays into it which most people aren’t aware of.  Since I’ve been on estrogen I’ve noticed a huge increase on how powerful my emotions are.  It’s like as a male my emotions were present, but they were dull and fuzzy like the image on an old CRT television set and now as a female I’ve switched to a big screen plasma HD television and all my emotions are bright, shard and vivid. 

Now I find myself wanting to talk about my emotions with other people and wanting them to empathize with me.  Also I want other people share their emotions with me as well and now I user stand why many women have such a hard time communicating with men, and why they sometimes complain that their boyfriend/husband is emotionally distant.  Men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus; they just have different hormones plus cultural conditioning.  It’s actually pretty cool to have experienced it from both sides and now I have a much better understanding of how those gender differences play out in interpersonal relationships because of it.

All my emotions have been turned up to 11 now.  Before estrogen when I’d see a kitten I’d think, “Awww, that’s cute.”  Now it’s more like, “OMG IT’S SOOOO CUTE!!! SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!”  As a man I would cry sometimes, but typically not for more than 10 minutes at the very most.  Now I can literally cry for hours sometimes and I can’t stop the tears until I’m “done”.   I’m also experiencing a strange desire to hug people.  I don’t know if that’s an emotional thing or what.  It’s weird but it all feels natural.

 If I could travel into the past and tell myself about how my emotions were going to change I bet it would have freaked me the hell out.  Now however I wouldn’t trade this for the world.  I feel so much more alive now, like this is how I was always supposed to have experienced the world.  I always used to feel so detached from reality where now I feel as though I’m a part of everything.

Hormones – they’re neat!

Paige

I'm Not Dead Yet!

Note – this post was written earlier in the day time.

Hi again blog.

My mood has stabilized significantly since yesterday. The tears are still close to the surface but for now at least I don’t have to make a concentrated effort to hold them back. Tonight I’ll let myself be as emotional as I need to be and I’m going to do it in a healthy, nondestructive way. (That’s my plan anyway.) 

The two people I feel closest to in San Diego, (the only two people I actually feel close to) are going away and I’m going to be here by myself.  I plan on getting my ass out and making new friends in the trans community, but what if I don’t forage any close relationships with anyone? If that’s the case all that will be keeping me here is my job.

Once the dust settles from my divorce I’ll be starting all over again and I have to say that the idea of moving to a new city and rebooting my life is rather appealing to me right now. After everything is squared away between me and my wife I’m going to get an apartment in Hillcrest with a six month lease. That will give me time to get settled, to meet new people and to save money. What I do after the six months is up in the air.

If I’m happy where I’m at I’ll just stay here. San Diego is a pretty nice place to live and I have a steady job. If I’m unhappy then I’m going to move away IF I can make sure that I’ll have a job lined up for me. Also, I’m already half way towards retirement with the organization I’m currently employed by and it would be foolish for me to throw that away. (So I’ll be able to retire when I’m 41 if I want to, although I’ll most likely keep working as I’d get a lot more retirement money if I do 30 years vs. 20.) 

If I feel like it’s time to move on there are a few different places that I’m thinking about going. I don’t like to plan really far in the future so this is just for fun. Still, I’m used to moving around all over the place thanks to the Navy and after all that I’ve been through here it might really be a good idea to get a fresh start. Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking.

Florida – I haven’t said this since I was a little kid, but right now I really want my mommy. =(  I want to be close to my family and I could really use their support right now. I know also that there’s a great gender therapist over in Sarasota, which looks like it’s a really nice place to live. I’d be able to dive out on the weekends to visit my family and vice versa. The cost of living out there is super cheep and I could afford a nice apartment with just my VA check. Both Sarasota and South Tampa look to have thriving LGBT communities as well.

The problem with moving to Florida is that uh, it’s Florida. It’s kind of the deep fucking south which is not the friendliest place for gender variant people such as I, and of course I need to be able to work so that I can support myself somehow. Also, fuck fire ants. Seriously.

Chicago – I was born and raised in Chicago, so I have roots there and I still feel a strong connection to it. I also have family and old friends there and I know my way around. Chicago has a bustling LGBT community and I’m sure that I’d be able to find plenty of support there. Oh, and the food! Best food in the world. I fucking love Chicago.

However I hate the weather. In the summer time people die from the heat and in the winter they freeze to death. Also, while there are people I know there, I’m worried that it might be a bit awkward for some of them that I’m going to be so, uh, different than I used to be. One of the points of moving away from San Diego would be to have a fresh start and going back to Chicago might be defeating the purpose. There used to be a strong Navy presence there but they’ve moved most of the various schools to Texas so it would be hard for me to find a job.

Oh, and all the Portillo’s will make me fat. I’m so hungry right now.

San Francisco – The Gay Capital of America. This one is a no brainer. In San Francisco I might actually not be queer enough to be noticed by anyone. =P It would be the safest place in the country for me and it’s a beautiful, diverse and wonderfully weird place to live. Hell, even if I was heteronormative I’d love to live there.

If I could afford to. The cost of living in San Francisco is crazy and I’d have to be very financially secure to move out there. That’s the only problem I can think of. If I could afford it I’d fucking go now.

Seattle – I’ve never been there but I’ve always wanted to go. Washington is a beautiful State with a diverse ecosystem which is important to me because I love nature and I don’t like living in the desert like I am now. Seattle appears to be a very liberal city with a lot of culture. The LGBT community is huge and I keep hearing that it’s an awesome place to live if you’re trans. I just feel drawn to Seattle like it’s somewhere I’m supposed to be. I can’t really explain it.

I need to learn take a little vacation up to Seattle to check it out. There are a lot of Naval facilities at Bremerton which is really close to Seattle. (Hour long ferry ride.) If I can get a job lined up I’d really like to move there. It feels right.

That’s enough typing for now. I’ll blabber on about more pointless nonsense later!

Paige

I'm out and proud! (Plus a public service announcement for any friend or family member who ever reads this blog.)

This has been an awesome weekend. On Friday I called my Mom and I finally came out of the closet. Once I got her on the phone I could hardly speak; I don't remember the last time I was that scared. She told me that she was confused, (which is very understandable) but that she loved and supported me.

JOY!

Then I called my sisters and they were both incredibly supportive and cool with it. Then I posted my Facebook note and I've been overwhelmed by how positive most people have been. Everyone who's not happy about this has kindly kept quiet. If I knew it was going to go this well I would have come out months ago. =P

I have a serious problem where I expect a worst case, apocalyptic scenario out of every life situation and it's NEVER as bad I'd feared. One of my sisters rightfully pointed out to me that for a person who doesn’t want to be judged I sure did a lot of judging. If you're someone I know and you're reading this – I'm sorry if there's anything in this blog that you find personally insulting.

Until Friday I felt so alone and I was terrified that I was going to lose the last bit of connection to my family. Now I feel more loved and closer to everyone that I ever have. I was so happy on Friday that I was sobbing. I've cried so much over the course of this past year; to cry because I was happy was a new experience and it felt wonderful.

And now for a quick public service announcement -

If you are a friend or family member reading this there's something you should know first. I created this blog for a couple reasons. First, it's a form of therapy for me. I've had to keep all this stuff to myself for a long time and if I didn’t get it out somehow I was going to go crazy. Second, I thought that by doing this then maybe down the road some other bigender person who going through what I have will stumble upon it and it might help them.

For this reason I have held nothing back in this blog. I talk about everything that's been happening to me.

Everything.

Including TMI stuff relating to my transition that might be good info for someone else who is in my shoes but that you probability REEEEEALLY don't want to read. I personally don't care if anyone of you read this stuff as I have nothing to be ashamed of. Just a friendly warning. =)

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the letters L, G, B and T.

Paige

On how HRT Changes you - Sex Stuff Edition

Before I begin, first an apology – I'm soooo sorry it's been such a long time sine I last updated my blog.  I'm currently going through a particularly rough patch in my life. I'll write about it soon, but I need to get my emotions in check before I do so. I make it a specific point to not hold anything back in this journal and that's never going to change. Which actually is a good transition into what I want to write about today.

Sex!

There, I said it.

It's weird – I'm a very sex positive, open minded person, but when I'm asked any question in the “real world” regarding human sexuality I clam up and mentally curl up into a little, quivering ball of insecurity. Since I was a child I've been conditioned to avoid and to be ashamed by the mere mention of any sexual topic thanks to my Roman Catholic upbringing. Hell, it took me forever just to learn how to masturbate properly, and let's just say there were many painful experiments prior to that. =(

While a part of my mind has always been female and most of my sexual fantasies involved me being in the female role, I’ve never had a problem or issue with my male sexuality. I’ve never been dysphoric about my “guy parts” and my sexual experiences have always been pretty typical of an average heterosexual male and that was totally cool with me.

That all changed when I went on estrogen. The first thing that happened is that I stopped getting spontaneous erections when becoming aroused, and then I almost completely lost my desire to engage in penetrative sex. That second one surprised me and ruined my sex life with my wife. Even though I was able to still maintain an erection at first, (and then with drugs) every time we tried to engage in sex where I assumed the role I had previously in our relationship I always felt awful afterwords. Even though I was able to get off I felt guilty because I didn’t enjoy it. I felt, “dirty” I suppose, and ashamed of the fact that I felt that way while being intimate with the love of my life.

Now this was something I sure as fuck hadn’t planned on and nothing that I’d read about anywhere before in the multiple, “How HRT will affect you” guides on the web. I had anticipated some of the physical changes but nothing like that. We ended up trying . . . lots of stuff, but eventually we just stopped having sex. I think what made it hardest for me was knowing that my wife is not attracted to woman and the fact that I always saw myself as one in the bedroom now.

Come to think of it, I just now realized that I’ve become asexual in guy mode. Holy crap.

When you’ve been on estrogen for a while the way you experience sensation is dramatically changed; it’s much more like that of a female. (DUH.) Before HRT my erogenous zone was basically my dick, although I loved touchy feely stuff too. Now my entire body is one big erogenous zone with some parts feeling especially awesome. Self love was a little awkward at first, but then it occurred to me that I ought to do take a cue from my FAAB counterparts and so I got a vibrator. HOLYSHITOMGWTFBBQ NO ONE TOLD ME HOW GOOD THIS WOULD BE. I certainly didn’t read about THAT anywhere either.

Everything is different than when I was on testosterone. I no longer have the urge to get myself off that must be fulfilled if I’m to get any sleep. Sexual desire is something I can forget about after a while now and I don’t obsess over it. Oh, no one told me about the multiple orgasms either, and ejaculation no longer equals orgasm like when you’re on testosterone. In fact, I’ve found that I can ejaculate without orgasming, and it leaves me feeling kind of empty and unsatisfied. The first time I experienced a female orgasm, (or as close to one as I suppose I’ll get with my girl cock) I actually started laughing because it felt so amazing that I could hardly believe anything could feel that good.

Shortly after my fourth month on E it was like someone flipped a switch and I went into heat. Really, WTF? I figured my sex drive would go away like I’ve read that it does for other MTF people. Again, wrong. However, arousal and attraction works differently than it used too. Now it’s more like my body is hungry to be touched rather than me wanting to put my dick into something. Men are starting to look better and better to me now as well. (As in OMG I want one.) This could be because guy mode seems to have lost interest in sex, and up to this part I was more attracted to woman than men in guy mode, and more attracted to men than women in female mode. (I’m going to have to think about this later.)

So that’s been my experience thus far. If you’re thinking of going on estrogen, keep in mind that it may change you in PROFOUND ways that you never expected. Some of them good, and some of them not so good. And I’m just talking about sex here. My wants, needs and desires are not the same anymore and I’ve changed as a person because of it.  It just doesn't effect your body but your mind as well.

So if you’re going to go down the hormone rabbit hole, please don’t tell your spouse or significant other, “I’ll always be the same person” like I did. Hay, maybe you will be, or maybe you won’t. And I’m just talking about sex stuff here. There’s a lot more to HRT than that. The fact of the matter is that you just won’t know until you’ve done it.

I wouldn't change anything.  I know that I'm doing the right thing, but it hurts and I wish I knew then what I know now.

Paige

Why I take the time to present as female when no one ever sees me.

So it's Friday night. I just got paid and I took the past hour painstakingly applying my makeup and generally making myself look as feminine as I can. I have a long way to go but I clean up pretty good.

Now I'm ready! Uh, to stay home.

It seems like a pointless endeavor and yet it's a ritual that I repeat almost nightly. I'm not getting dressed up to impress anyone and my wife sure as hell doesn’t care. The reason I do this is because I'm doing the only thing I can to reign in my gender dysphoria.

When I'm in female mode and I look in the mirror while presenting as a man I feel disgusted with my appearance. When I'm in guy mode I don't mind so much that I look a little feminine now, so that's not the problem. The only thing I can do to make myself comfortable in my body is to present as female.

As I'm getting ready there comes a point when I look at myself in the mirror and I can see my true face behind the one I've been stuck with, and when that happens it's like a heavy burden is lifted from my shoulders, the stars align and I can finally be comfortable in my body again. Just seeing myself as a female, despite all the major stuff that gives me away as a bio male, is an incredible relief and it's enough to get me through another day.

So some people dress as the opposite gender for fun. I do it to maintain my sanity.

What hurts is that I want to always look like a woman. I have an overwhelming need to go out and live my life as a female, but my social anxiety is a mother fucker and it prevents me from doing so. I think that if I could “pass” as female the male part of my mind would be OK with me living part time as a woman, but I have such a long way to go before I can blend in without being clocked.

I get dressed up every night and I want to live the life that's been denied to me for the past 31 years. When I'm in male mode, I feel like it's my obligation to make sure that I give myself room to grow as a woman, and when I'm in female mode I just feel lost and scared. I have to catch up on decades of knowledge and habits in a short amount of time, plus I'm just starting puberty so YEAAAAH. It's complicated.

Someday I won't be afraid any more. I’ll be able to go out, have fun, buy cloths, get my hair done en femme and I'll wont worry about what other people are thinking about me. Until then, yeah. All dressed up an no where to go. Story of my life.

Paige

Estrogen and Emotions (Anger/Sadness)

Today I thought I'd write a little about some of the ways that HRT has effected my emotions thus far. I've only on estrogen for four months, so maybe things will change down the road and of course your experience on HRT might be totally different than mine.

The biggest change has been how I process anger and sadness. Before estrogen when I'd get upset about something I'd get pissed off. Now instead of getting pissed off I cry. I mean, I fucking cry rivers. Uh, at least every other day in fact. I mean, this is a very difficult time in my life and I have some good things to cry about I think, but wow.

My gender therapist told me that I was going to be crying a lot and holy shit was she right. The weird thing is that going from T to E, crying instead of getting angry now just seems like the natural thing for me to do, depending on what gender I am at the moment. Here's a good example that happened today -

I got out of work and I had to head strait to my therapists office to attend a DBT group. Instead of getting on the freeway I needed to, I went into auto pilot and started driving to my house! When I realized what the hell I was doing I was already at a point where the only thing I could do was to head towards home and then take the route that I normally take to her office if I'm leaving from my house.

I HATE being late. (The Navy beat that into me pretty well.) So I arrived just a few minuets late, yet my stress levels were climbing. So far I have hated my DBT classes and today was no exception. I sit on my ass for eight hours at work and then I have go to the meetings where I have to sit on my ass for another two and a half hours. About 30 minuets into these things my butt starts to hurt and I want to fucking get up and do something constructive.

It takes forever to go over a simple concept and we move at a snails pace through the lesson plan. I just want to get the fuck up and leave. I have shit to do and I feel like I'm wasting my time there. Every thing we go over I already know for the most part and the skills we are learning are ones I already know.

Anyway, the fact that this is not working for me makes me really sad as I had high hopes for DBT. So I sit there for two and a half hours, feeling miserable. There was a bunch of talk about the term, “Man up” for some reason, (act like a man) which bothered me because it enforces the gender binary. Oh, and I spoke up for myself and asked for the facilitator to call me Paige for now on, which was good, but she replied, “yes ma’am” which fucked me up because I was in male mode at the time. Yes, bigender is complicated.

All these things were making me feel worse and worse about myself and my situation. I toughed it out until the end and then I went and sat in my car for an hour and a half. Why? Because during our session on Monday my therapist told me that she wouldn't be in next week and that she wanted to see me one more time before then, so we scheduled an appointment at 1830. I sat in my car and ate my crappy fast food sandwich until it was time to be seen.

I went back inside, waited half and hour past my appointment time and then I texted her asking what the hell was up. She called and told me that we were scheduled for NEXT Thursday, not today. I swear that she told me it was going to be for today, but quite frankly, ever since I started E I've been even more scatterbrained than I normally am, so she's most likely correct.

She tried to say some nice stuff to me but I had to hang up on her because I had started to cry again. I bolted out of the building and hid in my car for bit while I pulled myself together.

Wow, that was a long tirade but here's the thing – When I was on testosterone all of these little things would have compounded until I'd have gotten extremity pissed off and I would have brooded about them for a while. Then when I was tired of being pissed I would just stop and forget about it. However, every now and then that memory might have resurfaced and I would have gotten angry again and felt the same level of anger I had previously experienced when it actually happened to me.

On estrogen, I get sad instead. It's confusing to me when I'm in guy mode but in female mode it feels perfectly natural. By the time I was leaving my therapists office I had flipped back into female mode and I was chocking back tears. I started driving away, and all of the sudden, (I had no control over this) I shouted, “this is fucking bullshit!” at the top of my lungs and I punched the steering wheel. Urges to cry – gone. I was pissed and I had flipped back to male mode.

So regarding my experience with estrogen as a bigender MAAB person, hormones have had a huge impact on my emotions, but what gender I am seems to have a significant effect as well. Ha, I was originally going to go over some other emotional stuff but this entry is long enough and quite frankly I'm sleepy.

So goodnight! May you dream the dreams that you dare not share.

Paige

Dreams part 2

I can't take it any more.

Today sucked. It sucked really bad. I can hardly formulate a sentence right now.

I may be bigender, but I'm incapable of being happy or comfortable in my male body any longer. I keep going back and forth, over and over again. When I'm in male mode I'm never happy.

One trend that's been obvious to me is that when I present as female everything changes for me. I don't look in the mirror and hate the way I look, I'm happy with my body, my cloths are comfortable and damn if I don't clean up nice with some makeup.  

I still hate the male secondary traits, but I've never hated the female ones that have developed so far. The more female I look the happier I am.

When I'm in female mode AND presenting as female I feel like I can relax and be myself. I like to laugh, make jokes and dance. I'm actually comfortable in my body, while presenting as male I feel like I'm about to squirm out of my skin.

You can probably see where this is going.

For a while I thought I was going to transition but then I decided against it as I keep flipping back to male mode. However, I'm not fucking happy with my male body. The notion of continuing on this way for the rest of my life is unacceptable and it's driving me into a depression that threatens to overwhelm me. It almost has a few times already and I don't want to go back to the hospital again.

So I have revised my plans.

I'm going to start electrolysis next paycheck. I get paid in two days. My gender therapist gave me a card for someone that some of her patients were really happy with. I will call them after work to schedule an appointment.

As soon as possible I'm going to try and move out to Hillcrest, the gay district of San Diego. If I can get a roommate to share the costs, I can rent out the room I sleep in now and use it to pay my part of the rent. I've talked with my wife about this plan and she thinks it's a good idea. If we can't rent out the room then I can still pull it off, but I wont be able to save much money at all and I really NEED to be saving my money at this time.

If the getting a roommate plan doesn’t work out, then I can just stay where I am now for the time being. Once my wife has steady work I will sign the mortgage over to her and get my own apartment out in Hillcrest. While I wait for that to happen I can at least still get electro.

I want to live in Hillcrest because as soon as I can get a bit more confidant in myself, I want to start living part time as a female. Hillcrest will be the most forgiving neighborhood for this, and it's where I'll be harassed the least. (Hopefully.)

The money I'll be saving by living frugally will pay for the electrolysis, and some will also go into a second fund. My goal is to have round two of laser resurfacing no latter than 6 months from this date. Then there will be a recovery period for at lest 3 months before I make any further decisions.

I will join a trans support group of some sort. I was worried about doing so before because I'm bigender but fuck it. I desperately need to meet more people like me. 

By this time I shall have my voice, walk and female gestures down. Then I will take a good hard look at myself and reassess.

If I'm still not happy with my complexion I will have to save up for one more round of resurfacing. I don't this this will be the case, but you never know.

If I am, then I will ask myself if I'm really ready to go full time, and if this is how I want to live the rest of my life. If so, the next thing I will do is FFS, the first procedure being forehead re-contouring, hair line decent and eye brow lift plus trachea shave.

After surgery there will be a huge change in my appearance and I will start to live full time. Then I can save up for the nose-job/jaw FFS. Once I'm happy with my face I'll take care of my boobs if necessary. As for SRS, I'm fine for now. That may change at some point, so I'm keeping that in mind.

The good thing about this plan is that I really don't have to make any major commitment until my first FFS. That's not going to be for a while and it gives me plenty of time to work things out. However, now I at least have a plan. 

Of course, this is very much like my old plan when I thought I was going to fully transition and then I decided against it. I no longer have any choice. I am Bigender. However, while I may flip back and forth between male and female I'm now 100% confident that I will never be happy until I can present and blend in as a woman. 

So there you have it, back to Transbigenderqueer or whatever I am. At least I'll die in the right body.

Paige Abendroth.

Who am I?

Over the past couple days I’ve been thinking about my identity. Recently I’ve been discovering parts of myself that I never knew existed. Wants, desires, dreams, needs. . . Then yesterday after work I was driving in my car when suddenly I came to the realization that I don’t know myself anymore.

Uh, this is something I’m actively trying to figure out right now so please excuse me if I’m a bit cryptic or I don’t make much sense. You’ve been warned.

I began to identify as Bigender about a year ago. Now, a lot of changes can occur to a person over the span of a year, but this year has been unlike any other that I’ve ever experienced. I profoundly changed when I joined the Navy and then again after I married my wife. Over time I’ve become much more responsible, honest and my work ethic kicks ass. But over the years there have been things about me that were the same since adolescence. Basic beliefs about myself and the world in which I lived in. 

I’m not the same person that I used to be a year ago. Not at all.

I try hard not to refer my male and female aspects as being two different people. That’s not the case and I don’t want to give anyone that wrong idea. (No, I do not have dissociative identity disorder.) However I’m going to do it in today’s journal in an attempt to help me to explain what’s going on here.

I’ve been suppressing my female self my whole life. As a child I learned at some point that I couldn’t like girl things and that I had to behave like a boy. It’s hard to remember that far back as I’ve only just begun to comprehend how being duel gendered has been impacting me from a very young age, but lately I’ve been recalling more. As I’m typing this now I just remembered my dad scolding me for playing with Rainbow Bright toys with my cousin. I loved; “Lala Orange”. Just typing that made me cringe when I know that there’s nothing wrong with it. 

That’s the power of shame and the effect that it can have on a child. When you’re young and impressionable you depend on your parents and other adults to explain to you how the world works and your place in it. Today I know that there’s nothing wrong with a child playing with toys typically associated with the opposite gender or even how they dress for that matter. However, I still feel a hint of that old shame and embarrassment when sharing that memory. 

I don’t remember the words that were spoken, but I knew that I made my Dad angry with me and that I was doing something that was WRONG and that I should feel awful for having done it. So I didn’t play “Rainbow Bright” with my cousin anymore, although in my childhood daydreams where no one could see me I would still sometimes imagine that I was her. 

Now that my female self is out it’s like she’s a child exploring the world around her and discovering who she is. I never wanted kids before and I most certainly never wanted to be pregnant, but when I’m female the fact that I’ll never be able to experience that hurts me, like I’m being denied of something that’s rightfully mine. I never imagined being married to man but now the idea is just as acceptable as being married to a woman. All these taboo’s that I’ve held in the past, many of them reinforced by my Roman Catholic upbringing and many from having been raised in a binary gender society are gone and now I’m finally free to grow.

My mind is consumed by wants and desires that I never could have imagined, and so many other things in my life that once seemed significant to me before have now become trivial. What and whom am I becoming? Am I losing myself and being replaced or am I evolving into something else now that the fear is gone? 

My face is so different now that I don’t recognize it mirror. I’ve tried to take a few new pictures of myself in guy mode to update my Facebook profile but don’t look like me and I don’t want to startle my family. It’s not that I don’t like my face; in fact for the first time since Jr. High I’m finally growing to be happy with it. It’s so unfamiliar, like I’m a different person, or like I’m becoming one. It's MY face, who ever I am.

I just can’t shake the feeling that something is changing me. I have no control over it nor do I want it to stop. I was so unhappy before all this began and I’m still unhappy a lot of the time. But as I discover all these new things about myself, as much as they frighten and hurt me initially, I begin to accept them as a part of me. I embrace them and I change a little more. 

I think I may have just figured it out. I’m not losing myself or becoming someone else. What’s happening is that I’m becoming the person who I was always meant to be. Wild, unbound and hungry for life. 

Annnnd once again I figure out complicated life shit by writing down the random thoughts going through my head in real time. Neat huh?

Paige

"If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman."

“If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman.”

So I've written about the lead singer of Against Me coming out as trans already, but I have a lot more that I need to day about it.

I've already mentioned their song “The Ocean”, which is basically Laura, (the lead singer) screaming out to the world about her pain and desire to be the woman that she always has been. It's my new favorite song. Yesterday in 100% girl mode it actually made me realize something. Here is the second verse.

“If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman

My mother once told me she would have named me Laura

I would grow up to be strong and beautiful like her

One day I’d find an honest man to make my husband

We would have two children, build our home on the Gulf of Mexico

Our family would spend hot summer days at the beach together

The sun would kiss our skin as we played in the sand and water

We would know we loved each other without having to say it

At night we would sleep with the windows of our house left open

Letting the cool ocean air soothe the sunburned shoulders of our children.”

Those are the most poignant and beautiful words I’ve ever read. While listening to the song for like the 10^th time that afternoon it suddenly dawned upon me.

I'll never have a man flirt with me. I'll never be swept off my feet. I'll never have a man (or anyone) awkwardly ask me out on a date. No one will take me to the movies or to a nice Italian restaurant. No one will ever surprise me with my favorite flowers. No one will ever make the first move on me, and therefore I won't be able to let him.

No one will ever get down on one knee and profess their love for me. No one will think I'm beautiful, even when I wake up in the morning and I look like a wreck. No one will make me his wife. I'll never be able to take care of the house while he goes to work, and I won't be able to run errands, do the shopping, exercise so I look good for him, clean the house and then cook a kick ass healthy meal for him so that when he get's home he can relax for a bit and we can spend some time together. When we're getting tired he'll never hold me in his strong arms and make me feel safe and wanted, and he won't kiss me like he needs to have me, and he wont lead me into the bedroom.

I will never be able to have children. I won't have an opportunity to dedicate me life to them, and I wont see them take their first awkward steps into the world. I'll never be able to call my husband at work to tell him that our child’s first words were, “Da, da”. I like to think that he would try to sound strong, but his voice would crack at some point and I would love him more than ever before.

I'll never be able to take them to school for the first time and cry as they enter the building. I won't watch them grow older and watch them as they become individuals. I'll never see them grow into teenagers and reject me as the enemy, and I won't be able to love them more for it. I wont be able to take on a new job to help pay for their collage, and I won't be there when they leave home to become adults.

Some day perhaps they would settle down and make a family of their own and then they would let me know that I was a good mother. If they chose to have children I would be a grandma and I would spoil the hell out of my grand-kids. Then my children would understand that all I ever did in my life was for them, and we would be closer than ever.

I would grow old and slow with my husband and I would give thanks every day that I was his wife. And when we both neared the end of our lives I would care for him, and even when the pain was awful I would cry tears of sadness for how much he was suffering, and tears of joy that I was so blessed to have been a part of his life, and that he loved me.

But I'm fucking bigender.

I'll never have any of that. It's hard enough for transsexuals to find a good partner who they can be open with, and here I am Bigender; not one gender nor the other. I can't transition to the other sex as my gender is in a constant state of flux. Who could love a person that is both a man and a woman?

Until last night I didn’t think I wanted those things in my life. I thought that said gender roles were ridiculous and outdated. But here I am tonight, wanting nothing more in the whole world, and dreading the moment when I flip back into male mode and I'll loose this part of me. I just want everything to stay like it is now forever.

Every day I die.

Paige

An Ocean in my Soul

Hi,

I'm feeling rather moody today. Down in the dumps and all that. I was just reading the Rolling Stone article about the lead singer of Against Me coming out as transgender. https://imgur.com/a/hydSB I'm super happy for her and I also find it very encouraging to see such a high profile person coming out in public like this. At the same time, I'm envious because I want to transition too and I can't.

Maybe I should mention that I'm writing this in girl mode.

When I'm in girl mode I'm basically a transsexual. I experience the same soul-crushing gender dysphoria and all that, but if I was to fully transition I'd just end up being miserable because eventually I always go back into guy mode. I know I've said this before, but sometimes I wish guy mode would just go away. Thing is that when I go back to guy mode I won't feel this way at all. See the paradox there? It sucks.

I think that I'm going to have to put a lot of work into my appearance if I'm ever going to get over my dysphoria in girl mode. AND I'm going to have to come out of the closet. I need to be out to my family and out to everyone else I know. The fact that I'm keeping such an important part of my life hidden away like some sort of shameful secret is making things worse. I'm NOT ashamed to be who I am and I don't want to live this way any more.

Explaining what it is to be bigender is rather complicated. For example, if I had to pick between one gender or the other I'd pick female in a heart beat. That's because I'm in female mode. Whenever I flip back to guy mode I'll prefer to be male. It's such a dramatic change in how I think, yet still I'm the same person and I like the same things for the most part.

I've decided to keep a detailed spread sheet in order to track when I flip back and forth, how it effects my mood, what makes me feel better and so on. This way I can at least be proactive and find a way to deal with this the best as I can. I have a pretty good idea already, but there may be little factors that are playing into it that I haven’t noticed.

I'm going to listed to “The Ocean” for about the 50^th time today and then I'll get right on that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvWeP18RpmM

“There is an ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve.”

Paige

Perky!

Hi there ducky!  I've been in guy mode a LOT this week but I'm back in female mode at the moment.  Not too much has been going on in my personal life, but of interest is the media attention Bigender people seem to be getting due to the SDSU study that I've mentioned in this blog previously.  On the Bigender.net forums it seems that some people are not happy about the study, or the way it's been reported in the media, or. . . something.

Queue rant.

For the life of me, I can't figure out what the fuck problem is.  The idea of "Bigender" is less than a decade old and almost no one knows about us.  Well, now they do, and not only is this a golden opportunity to show people that we exist and that we're normal people who just experience the world differently than the average person, but perhaps through the study of our unique life status scientists will be able to learn more about the human brain.  I mean, this is amazing just for the scientific aspect alone, but we should be embracing this using the media attention to educate the public and let other gender-variant people know that they aren't alone.

A friend of mine got this whole study started through shear force of will and today he made a post where he apologized for it because a few people are taking this personally for some reason that I can't fucking comprehend.  WTF?  He doesn't have a damn thing to apologize for and I'm pissed that other people would make him feel bad seeing how because of his efforts we're currently experiencing an amazing time for our tiny community, not to mention the fact that we might be able to contribute to a deeper understanding of the nature of gender and identity, and how it's programed in the human brain.   Fuck, fuck, fuckedy fuck.

End rant.

Elsewhere in the news, today I bound my breasts for the first time.

OK, they're tiny, but they're also damn perky, or pointy or whatever.  When I wear most of my regular shirts and work shirts I now have two sharp points sticking out which kind of gives my game away.  So today I took an ace bandage and strapped them down, which wasn't hard because there's not really much of anything there.  =P  So it's not proper binding in the traditional FTM sense seeing how I have very little to strap down, but it's something.

Anyway, now it just looks like I have regular guy pecs and I can wear all my old cloths again.  Yay!  I'm only into hrt four months so I'm not sure how much bigger they will get, but I imagine not very much.  I'm both relieved and disappointed at the same time.

I think that's it for now.  I've settled into living in my bachelor/bachelorette pad and I love it.  I started to put my loft bed together today but I hit a point where I'm going to need help so that will  have to wait until my wife comes home tomorrow.

Yup, that's all.  Sleep sweet!

Paige

Oh, this is me making a funny face.  Weeeeee.

The Paige and The Pendulum

Hello bloggy, my old nemesis. At least we meet again, although this time - we fight to the death! Have at you!

Sorry, just trying to spice things up.

So for the past few months I’ve been pretty dead set on transition and I’d lost most of my male identity. Then over the course of the past couple weeks I’ve been in guy mode more and more. A lot more. My therapist told me last night that my gender “pendulum” is swinging back the other way again, but I already knew that.

In a way I’m disappointed. As I’ve mentioned in the past, when I’m in female mode I can’t imagine that I’d ever want to be a man and I get rather obsessed with the idea of transition. I really thought my gender identity had stabilized enough that I could make a flexible plan in regards to my future, but it seems that’s not going to be the case. I had already decided that I needed to put the brakes on everything and to slow down until I was in a better place mentally before I came to this realization, so it doesn’t effect anything too profoundly which is good. Still I’m a little bummed out.

A little bummed out vs. profoundly depressed, which is what’s happened to me when going into this state of mind in the past. Now that I’ve been through this a few times I think I’m getting a little better at dealing with it. Like riding a wave instead of letting it crash over my head, pulling me underwater. I can’t control my gender changes and I may never be able to. That’s something that I’m going to just have to accept. Maybe down the road something will change, but for the time being I have to learn to accept the fact that my gender may never be static.

Acceptance is the big word here. I need to accept that being bigendered is an intrinsic part of who I am, and I have to accept myself for whom and what I am, regardless of what gender I happen to be. I think I’m taking my first steps towards that, but I have a long way to go. Still, I can tell that this is getting easier over time and that’s a reassuring feeling.

Elsewhere in the news I start DBT this Thursday afternoon. Group therapy quite frankly scares the shit out of me so I’m both looking forward to it and being terrified at the same time. Perhaps if I could combine those two emotions I’d just feel indifferent about the whole thing?  Paige Abendroth - emotional alchemist.  Eh, maybe not.

Someone relatively new to the forums over at Bigender.net had made a post yesterday about how she felt like being bigender and what she's currently going through, and that same post could have been written by me maybe nine months ago.  It's amazing how we as Bigender people share this unique experience, one that the average person could never really understand.  Heck, I don't even completely understand it myself.  It made me a little happy to think about how far I've come and it made me a little sad, to see that someone else is just starting to go through it. 

Yesterday evening I was on the phone with someone and she asked me to describe how I know when I'm a woman vs. when I'm male.  I said something like, "if you took away all of your physical characteristics how would you know you're still female?  It's something that you just KNOW."  Your average cisgendered person never thinks about this stuff because they don't have too.  But if you fall somewhere under the trans-umbrella you become hyper-aware of your gender(s).  (Or of course you can have no gender at all for that matter.)  

I afraid that when I tell people I'm bigendered they're not going to understand and they'll assume I'm a cross-dresser.  (Not that there's anything wrong with being a cross dresser mind you.)  I don't "pretend" I'm a woman for fun, there's nothing sexual about it and I don't dress in frilly pink dresses and prance around the house.  (But again, not like there's anything wrong with doing that if it's your cup of tea.)  I wear the same types of cloths in both modes - a black shirt with a band logo on it and blue jeans.  Whoo-hoo.  They are of course male and female tee-shits and blue-jeans though, and that's just to make myself feel comfortable.  

I guess that part of accepting myself will be accepting that other people don't accept me.  That's something to think about.  I think that's a good spot to end this entry, have fun and take care.

Paige

Just another status update

Hi blog. I'm supper fucking exhausted right now so hopefully this post isn’t too incoherent. Seriously, I fell like I got hit by a truck. Not much to report since the last post. When I went to work on Thursday there was a card in a sealed envelope waiting for me. I opened it up and it was from my boss, saying to take care of myself and wishing me luck on my transition. My day couldn’t have started any better. I've said it before, but my boss really is the sweetest lady ever.

My wife and I are getting along good. She was at her parents house the last few days and I had it all to myself. We will be moving into our separate parts of the house in the next few days now which is going to be a bit of work. My upper body strength is NOT what it used to be so I'm wondering how moving all this furniture around is going to go.

We had a friend over today to look at the condo and to see if he wants to move in. Looks like he probably will which is awesome as quite frankly he's the only person who we'd let in here. That will allow me to save money, which is something I really need to do.  (And my wife and I both think it will be kind of fun.)

As he left he mentioned that he was worried about me. I'm worried about me too and I think I'm trying to go way to fast in regards to my transition. It's something my therapist has brought up a couple times as well. I really need to give myself time to get comfortable with myself and to work shit out. Also as I mentioned in my last post, I'm starting to worry about not being able to pass as male in guy mode. I have a long way to go in regards to that, but as I begin to look more androgynous and my chest growth becomes more prominent (seriously, those little things are perky) this is bothering me a lot.

Is there a middle ground? I'm really not sure and this is just one of the reasons I need to slow the fuck down before I make a decision that I'll regret later. It must be nice to wake up in the morning and not have to think about what gender you are. Anyway, before I make any kind of permanent alterations to my body outside of the effects of HRT I'm really going to have to learn to accept myself as a bigenderd person.

I think the new game plan will consist of doing electrolysis over the next several months and then after I've saved up another 4 grand I'll do another round of laser resurfacing. I figure this will give me over a year to mull things over and to get well mentally with therapy and all that. (Well, I'll probably always be in therapy but I mean that I'll hopefully be in a better place.)

That's about it for the moment. Now I'm going to go play stupid video games until I feel like going to bed.  Weeeeeee.

Oh, NPR might want to interview me. Another day in the life.

Paige

I'm Science!

Well, kind of.  Some time ago I volunteered to take part in a study concerning bigendered persons at UCSD. I ended up in Scientific American. http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/2012/04/19/ramachandrans-lab-looks-into-whether-you-can-be-a-man-in-the-morning-and-a-woman-at-night/ Well, as a lab rat anyway. I was the person who had a poor vocabulary in guy mode and who couldn’t throw a dart for crap in girl mode. Sorry I broke the tip off your black plastic dart Laura. =P

The attention to this study has surprised me to say the least. My point of contact was Laura Chase, who was/is a student of the famed neuroscientist Vilayanur S. Ramachandran. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vilayanur_S._Ramachandran At the time I had no idea just how famous this guy is; I just wanted to contribute the the understanding of bigenderism.

I was shocked when they said they would pay me money to study me as I was happy to donate my time for free. I know that bigenderism is not an act, or a way-station to transgenderism. It's a very specific gender identity and my hope was that I could add some legitimacy to our cause.

They did multiple tests on me over the next few months, but I'm hesitant to say what they were in the event that this study expands. (And I hope it does.) The problem is that people might learn what the tests are and then look them up on the internet. Then, unintentionally or deliberately, will contaminate the test results. That kind of situation would hurt all of us as we struggle for recognition amongst the scientific community.

I'm very excited to have participated in this study. The implications regarding gender identify vs. personal identity from a neurological standpoint are staggering. If it's capable for a person to switch genders, not just in an psychological sense but neurologically, how will this effect how neurologists study the brain and personal identity in the future? While these investigations are still in their infancy, I look forward to said outcomes.

Identifying as a bigendered person is not science. It's an identity that some of us choose to adopt because we identify that way. No one can ever take your personal identity away from you so long as you refuse to let them. Personal identity is just that – personal. You are who you are, and the only person who can make that decision is yourself.

Paige

Trying to figure out how to come out as Bigender

So I'm about thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to coming out to my family but I'm not quite sure how I want to go about doing it. I am transitioning to a more female body as that's the gender I primarily identify as, but I still flip into guy mode regularly.

On a side note, I've noticed that when I'm taking care of business matters or making important decisions I tend to automatically flip into guy mode. It's weird; like the male part of my brain is an administrator or something.

Ok, back on track. I HATE being in the closet. I believe in being open and honest with everyone, for better or worse. I mean, here I am writing about the most intimate, personnel details of my life on a public blog. For me, being in the closet mean being ashamed of who I am, and I don't want to live my life that way. I'm already shy and self-conscious as it is. I'm never going to be able to fully accept myself if I keep hiding who I truly am from everyone.

Coming out as trans seems like the easiest option. (Well, it won't be easy, don't get me wrong.) I mean, people are clueless and baffled about transgenderism as it is, but NO ONE knows what the hell bigender is. The conundrum there is that yet again I will not be 100% honest as despite transitioning, I primarily identify as being bigendered.

What I think I'll do is call my Mom first and tell her what's going on. Despite how she takes it I'm going to send her a copy of this book. http://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Explained-For-Those-Who/dp/1449029574/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1335122705&sr=1-1 Hopefully that might clarify things. Then I'll call my little sisters and then my stepbrother. That takes care of the family members who I feel closest to.

Since several members of my family are on Facebook I'll come out there next. All my old friends from back in the day are there too. Before I come out I'm going to purge my friends list so only the people who need to know will see my message. I believe in the cycle of renewal so I've made a new Facebook profile, and I'll let everyone know that if they aren’t too freaked out they can send a friend invite to that one as I'll be shelving the profile I'm currently using.

My family is, for the most part, very conservative so I'm not expecting much support or acceptance. That's going to hurt. I'm afraid of rejection, but if I let that fear keep me in the closet then I'll be stuck there indefinitely. As for my old friends . . . I have no idea. I think that this will freak them the fuck out, but I have no clue as to how they will respond. I hope they won't be too mean.

Whatever happens I know that a great burden will be lifted off my chest. No more hiding what I look like, my political opinions or anything else for that matter. I'll be able to let my freak-flag fly tall and proud. I have another appointment with my gender therapist tomorrow so I'll bring this up with her before setting a time table.

That's all I got for the moment. Now I have to go and fire my old psychiatrist. Good times.

Paige

HRT kicks ass

I kind of have a body image problem regarding my female presentation. (OK, so it's really bad.) A little while ago I was going through and purging all the old pictures on my phone when I came across one that I'd taken before starting hormones. (A pic that I'd originally took to document how I used to look before HRT, and had subsequently forgotten about actually.)

Anyway, I was checking the calendar and I was surprised to see that it's only been four months since I started on estrogen and even earlier on Spiro. (Jan 13th to be exact for the E.) I thought it was six. So four months ago almost to the day this is what I used to look like pre hrt-



And about 10 mins ago -



Umm, that's not quite what I had expected on the low, newby dose of estrogen that I'm on. (Hopefully they will be increasing said dosage next week when I see my Doc.) Seeing how I'm 32 I figured that hrt would hardly effect me at all, but even though I'm super critical of myself even I can't deny that I look different. (In a good, more feminine way.)

Moral of the story - hormones kick ass, (if taken safely under a doctors supervision blah, blah) and if you feel like you need to be on them then do so as soon as you can. Don't let anyone try to tell you to wait if you know that it's what you need to make you happy regardless of your life situation.

Quick edit - If anyone has before and after pictures they feel comfortable sharing that might be nifty.

Post OP Report

Ello! I am typing this without my glasses on, (more on that later) and I'm on pain killers so I'll do my best to keep this post as readable and coherent as I can.

Yesterday I finally had laser resurfacing done! I was put under general anesthesia and the procedure took about an hour to do. The OR staff was friendly and professional and I felt like I was in good hands. All in all it was a great experience.

The OR nurse who went over my pre-op stuff was super nice and she had bad acne when she was younger and has had laser resurfacing also. She said she was in her mid 40's which blew my mind as I would have guessed that she was in her mid 30's. Then the anesthesiologist came and and he refereed to me as Page. When he left the room the OR nurse looked at my sheepishly and told me that she would let him know what my actual name was, and I had to explain to her that I went by both. I think she figured it out after that.

They took pictures of my face and put me into the OR room. There was this weird blanket that was like a sheet with an air bag in the middle of it which had warm air cycling through it. When it was on me it felt like a light cloud of warm, comfy awesomeness. I want one of those for the house. The doc told me that he was going to put me to sleep and I told him to go for it; I didn’t get much sleep the night before and I was looking forward to the nap.

The next thing I knew I woke up in the recovery room and it felt like my face was on fire. The nurse keeps giving me phenergan and it took a while to get the pain under control. The nurse was surprised at how quick I recovered after that. Then I went home and now I'm living like a recluse until my face is all healed.

<Random note – When people go under general anesthesia they sometimes say silly stuff. When I asked the nurse if I said anything she said no, but when they wheeled me out from the OR to the recovery room I outstretched my arms like I was a plane and flying, which is actually keeping in character for me.>

As for my current status, after the really bad pain I had coming out of the surgery my face has only hurt a little bit yesterday and today hardly at all. I have awesome pain meds so that's helping of course, but I bet that by tomorrow I wont need them at all. Facial swelling is part of the healing process for this procedure and the nurse said that I might not be able to see that well by the third day, but I've been sleeping with my head elevated and I'm taking Motrin to help with that. Right now it is a bit swollen, but just barely.

My face is red, raw and it looks like it's covered with rows of thousands of tiny dots. That's where the laser drilled those tiny holes to stimulate collagen production. For the first three days I have to keep my face slathered with bacitracin, and after that I have to keep it coated with aquaphor. I can't let my face become dry until the skin is healed, otherwise it will scab and that would be very, very bad.

My face is also slowly leaking serous fluid which is yucky, but that's all part of the healing process. I wash it (carefully) once in the AM and again before I go to bed. Then maybe twice during the course of the day I apply gauze dunked it a cold water/vinegar solution. It feels really awesome and it wipes away some of the old goop on my face so that I can apply fresh goop.

Although my face is all gross right now, looking in the mirror I can plainly see that me skin is going to be MUCH smoother than it was before. The Doc said to expect a 30-40 percent improvement, but I think it's going to be like 40-50. Over the course of the next five months my face will continue to heal and produce collagen, so it wont look it's best until about 5 months have passed. That means that over time it's going to look even better, and for once I feel really good about my face. (Or my future face anyway.) I'm very optimistic and I bet that if I was to do this again in a couple years that after the next treatment my skin would look flawless. I was so worried before I had the procedure, but now I think it's going to work out better than I could have hoped it would. (Hurray!!!)

I had a bunch of plans to keep myself busy over the course of the next two weeks. One thing I didn’t count on was the fact that I can't wear my glasses seeing how the skin on my nose was laser-ed off along with the rest of my face. I'm blind as a bat without them so playing video games, cleaning, reading, watching movies and typing are now very difficult. (My face is like 5 inches from my monitor as I write this post.) My first follow up appt will be on Monday afternoon and I'll find out then when I can wear them again, probably after the first week I'm guessing.

I have to be careful not to get food on my face so everything I eat has to be cut up into little portions. I'm trying this weight watchers thing now where I have a shake for breakfast and lunch and then a 500 calorie dinner, so eating two meals through a straw makes things easier for me.

<Random thought – So my shakes are chocolate flavored. When the hell did chocolate start to taste so damn good? I don't know if it's the hormones effecting me in a weird way or what but hot damn.>

Speaking of food, I'm really hungry and it's time for supper. I just wanted to check in really quick. I'm very, very happy right now. =)

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