Getting set up for the future (Update part 2)

So much has happened since my I last updated my journal that I'm posting it in a few parts.

So my wife and I had a plan where she was going to move out for a bit, (Only because I'm not in a position to do so) so that we could have some space and I could rent out part of the condo to make extra money so that I can transition. Her therapist actually thought this was a good idea, but I hated it as I love her very much and I felt like a horrible person, asking so much from her. At the time however I couldn’t think of any other way to make it work.

She told her parents about this plan and now they apparently hate me. My wife told me that her dad thinks that I'm trying to push her out of the condo so that I can leave her high and dry and that he apparently want's to kick my ass. Her mom want's her to get a lawyer so that she can get my promise to sign the lease over to her once she has a stable job as a matter of record, or something.

First of all I'm sad and hurt that they don't like me any more. I came from a dysfunctional family and when I met my wife I couldn't believe how wonderful her's was. They have always treated me with caring and love. There's no way they could ever understand what's going on, and I suppose that I'll just have to live with their scorn.

Secondly I'm a little pissed off. I've loved, supported and provided for my wife for nine years not counting the year back when we were in the military and she moved into my tiny barracks room with me. Even when she was still active duty and earning money I payed the bills so she could save hers. (Now I pay them all, except she pays for the car insurance with money from her GI bill.) Because she has been going to school for what seems like forever now, I do the VAST majority of the housework, cooking and so on. Everything I do is for her. I'm even prepared to sign over my GI bill to her so she can pursue her masters if she wishes.

Now all of the sudden I'm some sort of villain. I don't completely blame them. They only have a sliver of information regarding what's been going on and they are trying to make sure that their daughter is safe and protected. There's no way they could understand what I'm going through and the drastic measures that I have to undertake in order to preserve my sanity at the moment. I don't think that any of them are familiar with trans issues and I'm confidant that her old fashioned conservative father most certainly is not.

I never wanted her to move out of the fucking house. That's the last thing I wanted. However, neither of us could figure out a better option at the time. Thankfully, since then I've gotten creative and worked out a solution.

I've been looking into space saving websites and I've figured out how we can set up the house so that we can still rent it out and have room for both of us. My wife and I were initially going to bunk together in the same room but she INSISTS that I take it for myself. What I'm going to do is convert “my” room into the TV/REC room as well as my living quarters. This way we keep everything open to everyone, but if I need my privacy I can close the door. (And going through what I am right now that means a lot to me.)

We plan on renting out the living room for 450 a month. We might already have a renter, and it's someone who I trust and respect so if he takes me up on the offer it would be ideal. (My wife loves him too which is important as she's apprehensive about bringing a stranger into our house.)

If he chooses not to rent here then I am going to hit up craigs list and look for a roomie. It's going to be complicated because it'll have to be someone who's trans-friendly, lgbt friendly and female. I like the idea of renting to another trans person myself, but we can be an unstable lot so we'll see. It will be like living in a dorm, but it's the best solution I can think of given out current situation. It might actually be fun.

The current plan is that when my wife get's out of school in February and then find a stable job I'm going to sign the mortgage over to her and then I'll get a place in town. Then I'll be able to save up serious money and I'll be out in the city alone, where I hope to continue to grow as an independent woman. (It's kind of funny to type that in guy mode. Gender is weird.)

Her parents might fucking hate me but what they don't fucking realize is that this whole time I've been working on setting her up for her future. I have a lot invested in this condo and I'm willing to give it up for her. Everything I've ever done has been for her, but being transgender I HAVE to transition. It's not an option and they don't understand that. I've heard the term, “transition or die” many times before, but now truly understand what it means.

I remember one point where I was desperately trying to think of ways to pay for this and I jokingly thought to myself, “maybe I could just whore myself out.” All the sudden I was hit with the sad realization of why so many trans-girls resort to sex-work. We really are that desperate, and I'm in the fortunate position where I at least have a steady job and a roof over my head.

I don't know if my wife and I have a future together. She's not bisexuel and as I transition into a woman it seriously hurts me to know that she's not sexually attracted to me anymore. She loves me and I love her, that much I do know. We had all these little dreams that we would discuss while we would snuggle in bed. Moving to some little town when we retired, getting horses and a cow. (I always told her that she would have to clean up after them. HAY! I'm from the suburbs of Chicago after all.) We marveled at how wonderful out marriage was and how it would last forever. Everything was perfect.

But I'm fucking trans.

When you're transgender it's very important that you except yourself for who you are. It's not something that you have control over. My wife keeps reminding me of this but when I think about what we had together, all the dashed dreams, of all the pain I'm putting her through and the uncertainty it's very hard not to hate myself. I'm really trying though. I'm trying so fucking hard.

I knew that being trans would alienate people from my life. It's look's like my wife’s family are the first people to reject me. None of them have bothered to contact me to hear my side of the story. I hope that over time they will reach out and we can ay last come to some sort of understanding.

It's late. There's more stuff that I need to write about, but that will have to wait. Thanks for reading.

Paige

Nightmare

I've just awoken from a horrible nightmare.

In it I was younger and still living with my parents, sisters and step-brother back home in Chicago.  Apparently I was out to them and I dressed up at home.  (I believe that I was starting on HRT, but the details are pretty fuzzy.)  It was my birthday and we were going out to a  restaurant that I liked for dinner.

I guess that I was presenting as a female more and more when I went out, and that plan was that I would be female at the restaurant.  With my girl cloths in my back pack  I rode to the restaurant on my mountain bike so I could get there early to get dressed up in the bathroom.  I felt happy and confident in my presentation, and I remember chatting with the waitresses and cracking jokes with them while I waited for my family.

Then my immediate family showed up.  As well as some of my other relatives.  I was not out to them and my feeling of happiness and contentment abruptly turned to shame and anger.  My Grandparents, whom I love(d) dearly and who had a huge roll in my upbringing walked in, saw me, and then turned around and walked out without saying a word.

I asked my Mom, "What were you thinking?  How could you do this to me?" but she didn't seem to care how I felt.  My parents insisted that I didn't leave as it was my "party" and other gusts would be arriving (which was news to me) so I couldn't leave.  I quickly changed back into my guy cloths and sat in a corner while everyone ignored me and had a lot of fun.

Quick background on my Grandparents; they were the most wonderful people I ever knew, but especially my Grandfather.  My Dad was MIA for most of my childhood and for many years my Mom, little sisters and I lived with my grandparents.  My Grandpa was the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known and as one of my cousins said to me during his funeral, "he was the only positive male role-model I've ever had".

They, like most of my family on my Mom's side, were devout Roman Catholics.  I feel confidant that their response in my dream to seeing me dressed up like a girl would have been the same if it were real life.  No matter how much they loved me up to that point and I loved them, it would have changed the way they felt about me forever.  I don't think they would have hated me, but I'm sure they would have been disappointed in what they would have assumed was a "choice" and our relationship would have been poisoned. 

I was taking a nap and my wife woke me up while I was at a point in the dream where I was heading back home alone, sobbing to myself.  While the nightmare is over, it's opened my eyes to a new kind of terror that I'm going to have to face in my real life.

I've always been a big supporter of GLBT rights since I was in high school.  I hate it when ANYONE is being treated unfairly.  I've always been enraged when reading about the discrimination that GLBT people face and the violence that is inflicted upon so many of them just because they are being who they are.  (Same goes for skin color, religion, ect.)

I've been out to myself for a few months or so now, but about half and hour ago a nightmare made me realize that I have a lot more to be afraid of then the prospect of my wife leaving me, which has been my greatest concern up to this point.  I have to be afraid of other people who will hate me just for being myself, people who could be moved to actual physical violence against me for nothing I've done to them.

Now I realize that each time I come out to someone who I've known in the past or present they might suddenly hate me, just because I'm different.  I've always hated discrimination, but I was a white hetro male who grew up in a nice part of town so it was as an outsider looking in.  Now I find myself on the other side, and I'm suddenly feeling scared and alone.