Lot's of stuff

I haven’t posted in a while. It's not because I didn’t want to, it's because I had a lot of important stuff to work through and I wanted to make sure my head was clear before I did. This past week has been one of great emotional and mental turmoil, culminating with my visit with the gender therapist on Monday. Things have gotten better since then so I'm back.

It's now been 14 days since I started estrogen and just two since I started spiro. Since I first realized that I was bigender I have been very dysphoric about my body. Because it's not a woman’s body. So I set out to make my body as female as possible to reflect how I feel inside. Because I'm a woman. Who is sometimes a man also.

What's funny is that I knew it the whole time but I just wasn’t able to admit it to myself. There was nothing more that I wanted than to appear as a female; why couldn't I see this coming? I think it was the fear of dealing with the whole, “coming out” thing. It wont be much longer now before I have to, and the prospect scares the shit out of me.

I always thought to myself, “If I just make myself look like a woman then I'll finally feel right.” Of course, that means no longer looking male. Why did this not compute? It's now obvious that I am essentially a (very nerdy and tomboyish) woman trapped in the body of an typical male nerd.

My wife’s family may reject me. My old friends may reject me. The vast majority of my family will probably reject me. When I walk down the street people will probably cuss at me out of their car windows. They might jump out and beat me to death too. I'm going to have to start taking mace with me on my nightly walks soon. My coworkers will probably shun me.

If it turns out that my boss is prejudiced she might look for reasons to fire me just because of my gender presentation. Eventually my wife might not be able to accept me as her husband anymore and reject me. In the mean time she will be interrogated by her friends and family about me, and when we are together people will think we are lesbians and she will be discriminated against because of me.

And people think this is a lifestyle! Who the fuck would want to make themselves miserable like this???

So I've come to accept that this is the way I am and I have to do what I have to do, so that's good at least. One thing that is unchanged is that I still identify as bigender. I switched at least four times today. However, I should have been a female when I was born. Now I'm going to have to try and correct that.

Shit. I'm so excited and scared. Please wish me luck.

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