So it's Friday night. I just got paid
and I took the past hour painstakingly applying my makeup and
generally making myself look as feminine as I can. I have a long way
to go but I clean up pretty good.
Now I'm ready! Uh, to stay home.
It seems like a pointless endeavor and
yet it's a ritual that I repeat almost nightly. I'm not getting
dressed up to impress anyone and my wife sure as hell doesn’t care.
The reason I do this is because I'm doing the only thing I can to
reign in my gender dysphoria.
When I'm in female mode and I look in
the mirror while presenting as a man I feel disgusted with my
appearance. When I'm in guy mode I don't mind so much that I look a
little feminine now, so that's not the problem. The only thing I can
do to make myself comfortable in my body is to present as female.
As I'm getting ready there comes a
point when I look at myself in the mirror and I can see my true face
behind the one I've been stuck with, and when that happens it's like
a heavy burden is lifted from my shoulders, the stars align and I can
finally be comfortable in my body again. Just seeing myself as a
female, despite all the major stuff that gives me away as a bio male,
is an incredible relief and it's enough to get me through another
day.
So some people dress as the opposite
gender for fun. I do it to maintain my sanity.
What hurts is that I want to always
look like a woman. I have an overwhelming need to go out and live my
life as a female, but my social anxiety is a mother fucker and it
prevents me from doing so. I think that if I could “pass” as
female the male part of my mind would be OK with me living part time
as a woman, but I have such a long way to go before I can blend in
without being clocked.
I get dressed up every night and I want
to live the life that's been denied to me for the past 31 years.
When I'm in male mode, I feel like it's my obligation to make sure
that I give myself room to grow as a woman, and when I'm in female
mode I just feel lost and scared. I have to catch up on decades of
knowledge and habits in a short amount of time, plus I'm just
starting puberty so YEAAAAH. It's complicated.
Someday I won't be afraid any more.
I’ll be able to go out, have fun, buy cloths, get my hair done en
femme and I'll wont worry about what other people are thinking about
me. Until then, yeah. All dressed up an no where to go. Story of
my life.
Paige
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