Hi,
I'm feeling rather moody today. Down
in the dumps and all that. I was just reading the Rolling Stone
article about the lead singer of Against Me coming out as
transgender. https://imgur.com/a/hydSB
I'm super happy for her and I also find it very encouraging to see
such a high profile person coming out in public like this. At the
same time, I'm envious because I want to transition too and I can't.
Maybe I should mention that I'm writing
this in girl mode.
When I'm in girl mode I'm basically a
transsexual. I experience the same soul-crushing gender dysphoria
and all that, but if I was to fully transition I'd just end up being
miserable because eventually I always go back into guy mode. I know
I've said this before, but sometimes I wish guy mode would just go
away. Thing is that when I go back to guy mode I won't feel this way
at all. See the paradox there? It sucks.
I think that I'm going to have to put a
lot of work into my appearance if I'm ever going to get over my
dysphoria in girl mode. AND I'm going to have to come out of the
closet. I need to be out to my family and out to everyone else I
know. The fact that I'm keeping such an important part of my life
hidden away like some sort of shameful secret is making things worse.
I'm NOT ashamed to be who I am and I don't want to live this way any
more.
Explaining what it is to be bigender is
rather complicated. For example, if I had to pick between one gender
or the other I'd pick female in a heart beat. That's because I'm in
female mode. Whenever I flip back to guy mode I'll prefer to be
male. It's such a dramatic change in how I think, yet still I'm the
same person and I like the same things for the most part.
I've decided to keep a detailed spread
sheet in order to track when I flip back and forth, how it effects my
mood, what makes me feel better and so on. This way I can at least
be proactive and find a way to deal with this the best as I can. I
have a pretty good idea already, but there may be little factors that
are playing into it that I haven’t noticed.
I'm going to listed to “The Ocean”
for about the 50th time today and then I'll get right on
that.
“There is an ocean in my soul where
the waters do not curve.”
Paige
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