Before I begin, first an apology –
I'm soooo sorry it's been such a long time sine I last updated my blog. I'm currently going through a particularly rough patch in my life.
I'll write about it soon, but I need to get my emotions in check before I
do so. I make it a specific point to not hold anything back in this
journal and that's never going to change. Which actually is a good
transition into what I want to write about today.
Sex!
There, I said it.
It's weird – I'm a very sex positive,
open minded person, but when I'm asked any question in the “real
world” regarding human sexuality I clam up and mentally curl up
into a little, quivering ball of insecurity. Since I was a child
I've been conditioned to avoid and to be ashamed by the mere mention
of any sexual topic thanks to my Roman Catholic upbringing. Hell, it
took me forever just to learn how to masturbate properly, and let's
just say there were many painful experiments prior to that. =(
While a part of my mind has always been
female and most of my sexual fantasies involved me being in the
female role, I’ve never had a problem or issue with my male
sexuality. I’ve never been dysphoric about my “guy parts” and
my sexual experiences have always been pretty typical of an average
heterosexual male and that was totally cool with me.
That all changed when I went on
estrogen. The first thing that happened is that I stopped getting
spontaneous erections when becoming aroused, and then I almost
completely lost my desire to engage in penetrative sex. That second
one surprised me and ruined my sex life with my wife. Even though I
was able to still maintain an erection at first, (and then with
drugs) every time we tried to engage in sex where I assumed the role
I had previously in our relationship I always felt awful afterwords.
Even though I was able to get off I felt guilty because I didn’t
enjoy it. I felt, “dirty” I suppose, and ashamed of the fact
that I felt that way while being intimate with the love of my life.
Now this was something I sure as fuck
hadn’t planned on and nothing that I’d read about anywhere before
in the multiple, “How HRT will affect you” guides on the web. I
had anticipated some of the physical changes but nothing like that.
We ended up trying . . . lots of stuff, but eventually we just
stopped having sex. I think what made it hardest for me was knowing
that my wife is not attracted to woman and the fact that I always saw
myself as one in the bedroom now.
Come to think of it, I just now
realized that I’ve become asexual in guy mode. Holy crap.
When you’ve been on estrogen for a
while the way you experience sensation is dramatically changed; it’s
much more like that of a female. (DUH.) Before HRT my erogenous
zone was basically my dick, although I loved touchy feely stuff too.
Now my entire body is one big erogenous zone with some parts feeling
especially awesome. Self love was a little awkward at first, but
then it occurred to me that I ought to do take a cue from my FAAB
counterparts and so I got a vibrator. HOLYSHITOMGWTFBBQ NO ONE TOLD
ME HOW GOOD THIS WOULD BE. I certainly didn’t read about THAT
anywhere either.
Everything is different than when I was
on testosterone. I no longer have the urge to get myself off that
must be fulfilled if I’m to get any sleep. Sexual desire is
something I can forget about after a while now and I don’t obsess
over it. Oh, no one told me about the multiple orgasms either, and
ejaculation no longer equals orgasm like when you’re on
testosterone. In fact, I’ve found that I can ejaculate without
orgasming, and it leaves me feeling kind of empty and unsatisfied.
The first time I experienced a female orgasm, (or as close to one as
I suppose I’ll get with my girl cock) I actually started laughing
because it felt so amazing that I could hardly believe anything could
feel that good.
Shortly after my fourth month on E it
was like someone flipped a switch and I went into heat. Really, WTF?
I figured my sex drive would go away like I’ve read that it does
for other MTF people. Again, wrong. However, arousal and attraction
works differently than it used too. Now it’s more like my body is
hungry to be touched rather than me wanting to put my dick into
something. Men are starting to look better and better to me now as
well. (As in OMG I want one.) This could be because guy mode seems
to have lost interest in sex, and up to this part I was more
attracted to woman than men in guy mode, and more attracted to men
than women in female mode. (I’m going to have to think about this
later.)
So that’s been my experience thus
far. If you’re thinking of going on estrogen, keep in mind that it
may change you in PROFOUND ways that you never expected. Some of
them good, and some of them not so good. And I’m just talking
about sex here. My wants, needs and desires are not the same anymore
and I’ve changed as a person because of it. It just doesn't effect your body but your mind as well.
So if you’re going to go down the
hormone rabbit hole, please don’t tell your spouse or significant
other, “I’ll always be the same person” like I did. Hay, maybe
you will be, or maybe you won’t. And I’m just talking about sex
stuff here. There’s a lot more to HRT than that. The fact of the
matter is that you just won’t know until you’ve done it.
I wouldn't change anything. I know that I'm doing the right thing, but it hurts and I wish I knew then what I know now.
Paige
Hmm...interesting insights and experiences, Paige. I'm not on any form of HRT at all, yet I've found that some of these sorts of experiences are just, perhaps psychologically/psychosomatically, part of my sexual landscape as it is. While my sexuality in male mode still very much revolves around the penetrating role in penetrative sex (what with all this testosterone coursing through me) in female mode I don't go there at all. It's not that the thought repulses me so much as it just simply doesn't occur to me, to penetrate someone with my genitals in female mode, and I suspect it would feel odd/dysphoric. I knew that dry orgasms/diminished capacity to ejaculate were a consequence of MtF HRT, but the bit about being able to ejaculate sans orgasm surprises me. I didn't know that was possible! Even non-HRT, I greatly enjoy vibrators and I find that orgasms in female mode slightly less 'localized', more of a flushed, whole-body sensation. Rather different than male mode, even without hormonal basis. Like yourself I tend to be more (though not exclusively) attracted to men while in female mode, and I find that I'm much more emotionally vulnerable after sex when it's a distinctly female experience. In all this is an interesting topic, and I really wonder the extent to which different hormones just exaggerate the physical impact of tendencies already present. I caution everyone against a paradigm that directly maps, say, certain forms of desire to certain chemicals directly, and I've long noticed (with my highly 'hormonally male' body) that some of the T expectations don't really apply to me while others do. Perhaps both T and E just take different parts of a person's erogenous landscape and 'amp up the volume', as it were...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, great post. Reading accounts like this of bigender people and HRT really help me in contemplating such things for myself, if and when I'm ever at that point.
polyphilos (Tamara)
Thanks for reading polyphilos. =) One of the things I really wanted to convey in this entry was the awesome power of hormones and the fact that they can have a profound impact on you, not just physically but mentally as well, and in ways you might have never expected.
ReplyDeleteQuickly going back to the penetrative sex thing; I was in a monogamous relationship with my partner and in bed it was a very heteronormative/cisgender one. I could happily "switch", although with her I never had that opportunity. (Not her thing) I WANTED to take a more stereotypical submissive female role in bed once in a while but that just never panned out. After being on hormones for a short time it was like someone flipped a switch and everything suddenly changed. I was shocked by what happened to me regarding my mindset in the bedroom, and I had no control over it.
I'm happy being the way I am now; it's just that I wish I knew then what I know now so that I could have been more honest with my former partner. (Wish in one hand, crap in the other and see which one piles up first, no?) Anyway, whether or not you eventually make the decision to transition, I of course wish you the best of luck. See you on the forums. ;)