Jello blog.
Yesterday was fun. I was invited to go
on a walk with a friend, but there must have been some communication
breakdown as it turned out to be a run, which was fine with me but I
wish that I wore looser clothing as I was trying to dress queer and
my pants were waaay to tight to sprint in. =P It turned out to
actually be a profound, thought provoking experience which I really
hadn’t expected, but I was grateful for it. I think I'll save that
experience for a latter post.
Afterwords we went back to his house in
Hillcrest, he made an awesome diner. Then we wandered around
the gay district for a while, mostly people watching. So, I saw
dozens upon dozens of gay “bros”, muscle bound macho guys
wandering about – but where are all the whisper thin artistic
types??? Are they all already taken? Maybe they're just avoiding
the clubs. (Mental note – look up “queer open mike poetry
readings in San Diego” tomorrow.)
We ended up at some tiny club/bar that
was mostly populated by lesbians and queer people. I liked it
because it wasn’t so overpoweringly loud and they were playing 80's
music, which I love. =P My friend seemed to like it too, but I
wonder if it may have been because he spent a lot of time time
checking other people out. ;)
I got back from Hilllcrest at 0200 and
I went to sleep at 0230. I woke up at 0700 so yeah, not much
sleepies for me. =( I snuggled up with my cat until around 0800
and then I got up as it was obvious that a full nights sleep had once
again alluded me.
After I got cleaned up I walked over to
the new Panera Bread that just opened near my condo in the hopes of
getting some early morning exercise and a healthy breakfast, but I
was disappointed. They got my order wrong and when I got the right
one the egg whites on my sandwich were paper thin, cold and rubbery.
AND it was on white bread, which is nutritiously worthless.
After that I wandered over to
Walgreen’s to get some other supplies *whistles* and then I headed
back home. All in all it was a good walk, especially since I'm still
wearing my hoodie to cover up the wounds on my left arm and I got hot
as hell. Those wounds are going to leave some nasty scars and seeing
that the hot San Diego summer is rapidly approaching I'm going to
have to stop worrying about freaking people out and just wear my
normal clothing. It's going to be hard to explain them when
coworkers see my arm. The department picnic is next week and I don't
want to go.
I spent most of the rest of the day
practicing mindful meditation. It was very hard for me to let go of
some of the issues that I'm dealing with at the moment, but I did a
pretty good job I think. I mostly focused on environmental stuff;
first the breeze blowing through my window and later in the day some
classical lute music I have. No complementing the empty nature of
reality for me today.
I'm still having a very hard time
figuring out who I am. When I look at myself in male mode I see
myself as a man, but then I take a picture of myself and I'm
disgusted by my appearance. I'm still not who I used to be. It's
like how I used to be in female mode. Everything is wrong with my
face and I refuse to look like that any more. I was in guy mode most
of the day but I still wasn’t happy with my body. It wasn’t
until I presented as female at around 1800 that I finally felt like
myself.
It's weird; all my muscles relax and I
feel loose and comfortable when I'm like this. I might still be shy,
but I actually feel like I'm comfortable in my skin where normally
I'm super awkward and clumsy. Normally I'm in another body that I'm
trying to control, screaming instructions desperately while it flails
about.
When I'm in female mode and I can
present as such, everything feels right. And, when the dysphoria
isn’t to bad, I feel happy. I mean, REALLY happy. But of course,
I've never even been out of the house nor has anyone other than my
wife seen me present on female mode. Maybe this is all a delusion
and I'm just in denial that I'll never be accepted by anyone as a
woman.
Can I be happy if I transition to
female and still accept the male side of me? Will they blend
together? I spent all last night and this morning being unhappy with
my appearance. As soon as I presented as female everything was OK.
I'm afraid that eventually I'm going to
have to pick between one or the other lest I go insane. If it comes
to that, I know which one I'll pick and it scares the hell out of me.
Uh, on a happy note I actually wore
pretty stuff today and if I might say so myself; I looked damn good
in it. Most of my outfits are just like guy mode – black shirt and
jeans, except that in female mode I wear a large Jr. tee-shirt and
size seven flared pants. After I put my face on and got dressed I
was so happy with my presentation, but I felt sad as it's not like
anyone would ever see me. I think that I need some social validation
so that I can start living part time in female mode.
This is why overcoming my social
anxiety is my top priority in life. I NEED to be able to go out as a
female and live my own life. If I'm always worried about other
people judging me then I’ll never be able to grow into my own
person.
So that's my cryptic post for the
evening.
TLDR – I'm a woman and I just want to
live the rest of my life as one. Uh, I think. Check with me
tomorrow. =( I just want it to stop and I want to be a woman. Or a man.
Paige
TLDR – I'm a woman and I just want to
live the rest of my life as one. Uh, I think. Check with me
tomorrow. =( I just want it to stop.
Paige Abendroth
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