Merging. Oh shit.

For as long as I have identified as bigender other bigender persons have said that going on HRT would make me feel better. It's only made things worse. (In their defense, they said it made THEM feel better, so it's not an issue.)

What works for the goose might not work for the gander. Is that how that shitty saying goes? Whatever.

For a long time I have viewed myself as having a distinct male and female mode, basically two different persona’s but still one identity. Thus far I have viewed the female part of myself as an interloper. An unstoppable intruder goddess-sent to rip my life apart if I let her, and yet an entity that I must placate at all costs in order to keep her satisfied.

But as my therapist reminded me tonight, I AM Page. I am one entity, and the fact that the female part of me is desperate to emerge and live her life is kind of telling, as is the fact that I can't identify as being a man anymore.

What was once was my male side is now some genderless facet of my brain desperately trying to broker the terms of my transition (surrender?) from male to female in order to make things go as smoothly as possible.

I think it's time that I accept that I'm just one person instead of two, and that said person is a ( tom-boyish and super nerdy) woman.

I'm going to take it slow – one day at a time. However, all of my waking thoughts have been of transition and I'm going to go forward with it no matter the consequences. I have no other choice. Still, I promise myself that I will not rush things and that before making any major life decisions that I will take time to reflect upon them and I will consult my therapist.

I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Page

Current events part, whatever. Who knows.

So I went to my appointment with the Dr. for my laser resurfacing and it went well. It's going to cost me 4 grand, but it's worth it as far as we're concerned. This is the next big step in my transition and I'm very excited. Work is bat-shit insane right now however so it might not happen until April, which would make us a sad. I want it now! Yeah, I know.

I look at old pictures and I compare them to current ones and I don't look quite the same. I was at McDonald’s this morning (yuck, but I was starving) and this cool girl with those silly ear-lobe stretching ear-things recognized me and we haven’t seen each-other for months. She commented on how different I looked and asked if I lost weight, which I said I had. People at work have asked the same. I haven’t even been on E for three months and my body is responding very well.

For those of you wondering what to expect from HTR – Here's my experience thus far, just short of three months and in a body that was always adverse to testosterone poisoning. (Still a newb.)

Warning – I'm going to be very honest here about my transition experience thus far and if you are uncomfortable about controversial subjects, human sexuality, or if you know me in real life and this shit is too weird for you then please skip the rest of this entry. I need to be honest with myself and to anyone else who is curious. Especially those who are going through the same sort of thing as I am.

The combination of estrogen and spiro has made my acne go away for the most part. I have suffered from severe acne from the onset of puberty until I started on HRT, and I didn’t start HRT until I was 32. In retrospect I think that I was never meant to be male and all my problems were a result of my body rejecting testosterone.

Sex drive is still there, but it's different. Before when I became aroused all roads basically led to my penis. Now when I become aroused I feel a sort of energy building up in the center of my being, and it spreads thorough my body. It's very tingly.

Most of my body is now a erogenous zone, but only when I'm in the right frame of mind. The desire is still there, but it's not an urgent, “I have to get off before I go to bed” issue like it was before. When I'm in the right frame of mind it's better than it's ever been though, and more satisfying. All that taboo shit? Perfectly acceptable now.

On to the nitty-gritty, I'm still able to achieve an erection, but not quite all the way without the use of medication. (Sometimes I surprise myself though.) As has been reported by other MTF people, my well appears to be running dry as it were, and yeah, draw your own conclusions.

Breast development. First my nipples puffed out, then the tissue underneath them began to lift them up. My breasts are at the most rudimentary stage of development, but I feel that they are just lying in wait for the next infusion of estrogen, that I provided them with earlier this evening. They are very sore and sensitive. I keep my ID and Credit Cards in my front left pocket, and I keep checking it to make sure I haven’t lost anything. (I'm supper paranoid about loosing my ID.) I keep smacking my left “breast” on accident to make sure I haven’t lost my ID, and it fucking HURTS.

Weight gain – I have gained weight in my hips and my ass, which both needed some weight and that's filling out my female pants in flattering ways. However – I still am cursed with “man pudge” around my belt-line. I think that after a year I will get lipo on it if need be. I will try to increase the strictness of my diet and increased exercise of course, but I feel really awful about it and I will do whatever I have to to make Page happy, so she leaves me the fuck alone.

In regards to my male and female half, at first things were better but now it's like the female part of me is waging all out psychological war-fair on me. (The male side, who it typing at this second.) I give an inch and she takes a mile. It's crazy, and I'll post about it another time. Right now I have to get ready for bed.

So sleep sweetly my pretties. Who knows what we will be upon the morrow.

Bonus - Angry bitch mode

 

So much to say, So much to say. . .

Wow. I have a lot of stuff that I'd like to write about. Let's start with fun stuff.

Topic One - Andrej Pejic is the sexiest man on the planet. (As of this date.)

http://style-caralho.blogspot.com/2011/06/andrej-pejic-he-blurred-boundaries.html

That link should do it. When I was growing up I never had a male idol who I wished that I emulated physically. I mean, I was kind of feminine and I was OK with it. I only wanted to not be quite so skinny, and I was devastated by my horrible acne. Otherwise, I never had any envy for a man before.

Until now.

Andrej Pejic is easily the sexyest man on the planet as far as I'm concerned. I've never wanted to look like a man so much as I've wanted to look like him, which for me is very amusing as his whole deal is that he looks like a woman. The thing is that he still, (as far as we know) identifies as a male.

I'm sure that he has an army of make up artists, but when looking at pictures of him (Especially of his chest) I'm convinced that he's on some sort of AA blocker to ward off the effects of testosterone on his body. There's no other way that a man can look that awesome. (Collagen lip injections and awesome lighting help too I'm sure.)

But here's to you, dude who's name my dumb ass from Chicago can't actually pronounce in real life. I've never been envious of another man until you, and it's obvious that I'm not alone. Holy hell, what a hottie. I mean shit, it might take me a while to get to sleep tonight. I mean, DAMN.

Topic Two – A little bit of insight

Yesterday evening I was in bad shape. Once again I was punishing myself for no reason and cycling through bad emotions and worst case scenarios until they culminated in what would basically be my suicide, and then starting back at the beginning. Look, I don’t want to kill myself, (Although I am fascinated with the suicidal state of mind, which I should write about at one point) but I have this awful habit of torturing myself with negative emotions for no reason.

I felt awful, so I took a rest in my high-tech sensory deprivation chamber (AKA my shower with the lights off and a candle burning) and had a brief moment of clarity that couldn’t have come at a better time. I'm a very sensitive person who has strong reactions to things that might not be a big deal to other people. The Voice in my head (the part of my brain that cuts through the bullshit and gets to the root of the problem) told me that it's OK to feel the way that I do; that it's OK to have those strong emotions and to ride them out.

However, it's foolish to keep cycling through said emotions over and over again to the point where it drives me to disparity. Feel the powerful emotions, make sense of them, and then move on with your life. For some reason for years I've been torturing myself mentally. For example, when I was a kid I kept myself awake many nights imagining that my Grandfather had died, and that I was at his funeral. I would stay up late and cry myself to sleep, and this was in elementary school.

Upon said realization, the artificial “crisis” that I had generated for myself dissipated and I was blessed with a warm wave of calm emptiness that permitted my entire being. I went to bed and had the best nights sleep in I don't know how long.

Topic Three – And In Today's News

I took the day off from work and it was just what I needed. Really, I had an awesome day. I scored tickets to see one of my idols, His Holiness The Dalai Lama, when he comes to town in a couple of months and I was able to manage to get tickets for my wife and a good buddy of mine, which made me happy. (They sold out in just a couple of minuets.)

I took care of the house which made me happy, as it needed some cleaning. (I'm kind of like maid service around here.) Then I went on a quiet, introspective walk through the nature preserve by my house, which was just perfect. Oh, then I ate a salad, and mushroom pizza. NOMS.

Later, I finally called the office of the plastic surgeon who I picked out to do the laser resurfacing on my face, and I have an appointment for 1630 tomorrow. As you may recall, (Ha, no one reads this blog) the acne scaring on my face is my #1 cause of dysphoria. This is step two in my journey to androgyny and I'm excited.

So then I got some more exercise and here I am now, typing up a storm. I'll hopefully have time to post on how the appointment goes tomorrow. If not I'll shoot for Friday. I have the funding and the sick leave saved up. It's time to take the next step in my transition.

“Damn the Torpedoes! Full Steam Ahead!” Rear Adm. David G. Farragut

Me in full on girl mode - 

Me in "I don't give a flying fuck" mode.  

This surgery will prove interesting.

Different modes

I have different gender identities, which I (and many other bigender people) refer to as “modes”. For example, There's girl mode and guy mode. I have a third mode I call “middle mode” which is basically androgyny. Middle mode is neat because I'm almost never dysphoric when I'm in it.

Over time, I've developed different modes within my gender modes. It's not like I have multiple personalities or anything, it's like I see and experience the word different in each mode. Just as I have little to no control over which gender I am I also have no control over which “sub mode” I'm in either. (Although I can usually subtlety influence them.)

So when I'm male -

1. Guy mode. I'm assertive and take charge of the situation. (If I need too; I'm an introvert after all.) I'm good at interacting with people in this mode so long as it's business related. I usually slip into this mode at work without realizing it. Interestingly, my Chicago accent is really thick when I'm in this mode and if I try to NOT have an accent it doesn’t work.
   
   
2. Gay mode. It's me but um, I'm gay. Really gay. Usually what happens is that I'm doing whatever and suddenly I have this realization out of no where. “Oh, I'm gay!” I'm not at all attracted to women in this mode and I'm quite the fem. I tend to be in a good mood when I'm like this for some reason. I find it easy to laugh at how absurd life is.
   
   
3. Submissive guy mode. I'm very timid and quiet. It's me at my most introverted. I tend to be very creative and artistic when I'm like this, and I avoid conflict like the plague.

As a female -

1. Girl mode. When I'm in girl mode I'm a girl. Imagine that! This one can be rough because in this mode I'm the most dysphoric out of any of the others. When I'm this way I can't imagine or tolerate the idea of being male, and going through a complete transition seems to be the only viable option. Girl mode want's nothing more then to live out the rest of her life as a woman, and to be pretty.
   
   
2. Mouse mode. I'm mousy and submissive. I just want to crawl into a corner and hide, or wrap myself up in a big warm, protective blanket. I'm very submissive and vulnerable in this mode. I also tend to feel depressed and lonely. The dysphoria is not as bad as when I'm in regular girl mode.
   
   
3. Angry bitch mode. Well, I'm not especially angry or bitchy, but I can be if need be. In this mode I really don’t give a fuck about what other people think about me, which is why when I finally start going out in public it will be when I'm in this mode first. My spiked collar, leather pentagram bracelet and my need to get numerous piercing are because of this mode.

I want to say they are like being in a distinct mood but that's not quite right. Maybe I'm just describing various aspects of my personality that manifest themselves are various times. All I know for sure is that I'm kind of weird. (But I'm ok with that.)

Titanic

Jello!

I'm back in 150% girl mode. I'm wearing my new pretty shirt and my wife’s Indian looking skirt, which works great with it. Turns out that in girl mode I have a pretty decent sense of fashion. Who knew?

I don't know why I take all this time to get dressed up when I have no where to go. I've been seeing steady improvement in my presentation though, which makes me happy. I'm still not ready to go out however. Once I have the laser resurfacing I plan to start going out regularly I'm really looking forward to it. Speaking of which, I finally called the office of the Dr. who I want to do the procedure on Friday and I will hopefully hear back from his staff no latter than Tuesday.

Today my wife, a friend and I went to the history museum and saw a traveling exhibit of Titanic artifacts. It was very cool, but my wife was tired and we had to leave early which sucked ass as I was having a really good time. Plus, there was an exhibit of skulls there which is right up my alley. (So I'm morbid.  What of it?)

Anyway. the exhibit starts off presenting you with basic historical information behind the construction of the Titanic, and the people who made it happen. Along the way there are various salvaged objects, such as mechanical parts and stuff. (Everything they had on display is remarkably well preserved; some of the artifacts were in climate controlled cases which occasionally sent off alarms when the humidity or temperature went out of bounds.)

There comes a point where you round a corner and there is a sign that says something like, “Ice Warning! April 14, 1912.” From there there are a series of warnings the Titanic received about the ice conditions and the room gets dark and so does the subject manner.

From a narrative stand point I thought they did a good job with the exhibit. They had a collection of random salvaged objects from the Titanic and they needed to present it in a way that was respectful to the painful legacy of the ship and the lives lost at sea.  They also needed to tell a coherent story that would take a person through an emotional experience that would bring said tragedy to life.   I though they did a good job telling the story of the Titanic utilizing the ecliptic collection of artifacts that they had at their disposal. They ended with the more personal artifacts, which was appropriate considering the calamity that occurred.

I didn’t feel an emotional connection with the exhibit until I saw an egg holder that was speculated to have been acquired by a passenger as a souvenir whilst they were visiting a town in England. Up to that point it was china that belonged to the ship, pots, pans, rusty rivets, tools and such. It reminded me of when my grandma used to make me and my little sisters soft boiled eggs when we were kids and we would dip our buttered toast in the yokes. Same little type of egg holder as they have never really changed, but suddenly there was a seance of loss there. Who did this belong too? Where where they going? Who were they?

It's silly, but that's what I love about history, especially when I'm exploring ancient architecture like the ruins of Chitzen Itza or the cliff cities of Mesa Verde. The artifacts and structures are awesome, but what fascinates me are the stories of the people who once lived there. Who were they? What were their dreams? Who did they love and what did they want out of life? What can we learn from them? I digress.

At the beginning of the exhibit they give each of us a card with the name and story behind a passenger who actually sailed on the Titanic. I got some old dude, but I was apparently in first class so my wife stole it from me so that I was downgraded to second. Her card said I was a 19 year old girl, which from me was an upgrade. =P Turns out I lived and she died, so I win the Titanic Game.

I had a lot of fun today and I'm kind of bummed that I didn’t get to hang out with my friend more as I had a lot of stuff to talk about. Leslie was pooped though so it would have been dickish to try to talk her into staying.

So all in all it was a pretty good day. Here's to more of those.

A little update

My wife is gone until Friday so I have the house to myself. I've already sang myself horse so now I need to do something else, hence this blog entry.

I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about the future since my last few entries. Being Bigender is a pain in the ass because I'm two genders and they both demand equal representation in how I present myself physically. Therefore I can't just take myself in one direction or the other – I have to find a way to make both aspects happy. On the other hand it's cool because since I'm not transgender I can stealth when I want to. (Like at work for example.)

I still don't sleep. Last night was really bad, but somehow I'm still going. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my shrink so I'm going to mention it to him.

Add caption

Not much else to report which is fine by me. Well, my car still is not fixed and I'm pissed about that. I started work at a new location this morning which is cool. It's always dark out when I get up for work, but I usually get to see a little bit of the sunrise. This is the one that greeted me this morning as I was walking into the clinic.

180

When I posted my last entry I was in 100 percent girl mode and feeling good. About an hour later I flipped over to guy mode and started freaking out over the changes happening to my body, although I didn’t realize I has flipped so I had no idea what was wrong with me.

Page's desire to “come out” and be acknowledged has been overriding the male side of me. Now I know that I don't want to fully transition after all. I'm so unhappy with my body when I'm in female mode that I was ready to do anything fix that. So I'm back to my original plan, which is to modify my body to an androgynous presentation. I would go crazy if I transitioned so far that I couldn't pass as a man anymore.

I kind of feel like Page and I are on a long road trip and I was sleeping while she drove to Cleveland, and when I woke up it turned out the she decided to head to fucking San Francisco with consulting me. Now I have to turn the fucking car around.

A post in which I just kind of go with it.

All dressed up and no where to go as usual. I'm feeling very happy with my presentation today. Happy but realistic. I'll never pass at this point, but I've made a lot of progress and that makes me smile. I just feel this scene that all is right with my body, biochemically speaking, now that I have estrogen coursing through my veins and spiro blocking off any latent testosterone in my system. I feel calm, fuzzy, snuggley and tingly.

Now that I have some money in my transition war-chest it's time for action. Tomorrow I'm calling the plastic surgery place I picked out some months ago for a consult to get the laser resurfacing done to my face. My face is. . . .I really, really hate it and once I heal from the procedure I plan on starting to go out in public. The night before the procedure I'm getting my ears pierced too, or maybe right after I heal, who knows. Maybe I'll get some other stuff pierced too! That'll be fun.

I'm in a much better place today than I was yesterday, that's for sure. Last night I met with with two people from bigender.net, one who I know and one who I hadn’t met yet. They are both super nice and awesome people. While I'm doing much better on the shyness, (I was wearing women's jeans and a female cut shirt, which is something I never would have been able to do before) I'm still very socially awkward. It sucks and frustrates the hell out of me.

As I mention frequently on this journal I'm an introvert and I love being alone, but I still like people and I want to make friends. I'm a pretty weird person, even without the whole bigender thing, but just simple stuff like small talk and casual conservation is a struggle. (I DREAD small talk.) I don't know if it's just that I have nothing in common with anyone, I'm so out of practice socializing that I forgot how to or maybe it's just that because I'm so weird that I need to figure out my own way to interact with people?

That last idea gives me pause and warrants further investigation. See, I knew there was a reason for writing this shit down. Maybe I'm trying to hard to act normal? I should just act like the weirdo that I am?

Leslie was saying that she want's to take a few days vacation from the house to rent a hotel room and just to be alone while she does her school work without distraction. I'm totally cool with that. Is that wrong? We have an interesting relationship.

OH! Another reason I've been depressed is that I ran out of my anti depression meds. Cause and effect, no? On Wednesday evening I have an appointment with my shrink to get some more. During the day time I also have an appointment with my general practice doctor who I haven’t seen in a while. Boy is she going to be surprised. =P I think what I'll say is, “Doc, have you ever had a transgender patient?” and let it go from there.

I think it's time to end this stream of conscious entry. Damn the torpedoes.

Lot's of stuff

I haven’t posted in a while. It's not because I didn’t want to, it's because I had a lot of important stuff to work through and I wanted to make sure my head was clear before I did. This past week has been one of great emotional and mental turmoil, culminating with my visit with the gender therapist on Monday. Things have gotten better since then so I'm back.

It's now been 14 days since I started estrogen and just two since I started spiro. Since I first realized that I was bigender I have been very dysphoric about my body. Because it's not a woman’s body. So I set out to make my body as female as possible to reflect how I feel inside. Because I'm a woman. Who is sometimes a man also.

What's funny is that I knew it the whole time but I just wasn’t able to admit it to myself. There was nothing more that I wanted than to appear as a female; why couldn't I see this coming? I think it was the fear of dealing with the whole, “coming out” thing. It wont be much longer now before I have to, and the prospect scares the shit out of me.

I always thought to myself, “If I just make myself look like a woman then I'll finally feel right.” Of course, that means no longer looking male. Why did this not compute? It's now obvious that I am essentially a (very nerdy and tomboyish) woman trapped in the body of an typical male nerd.

My wife’s family may reject me. My old friends may reject me. The vast majority of my family will probably reject me. When I walk down the street people will probably cuss at me out of their car windows. They might jump out and beat me to death too. I'm going to have to start taking mace with me on my nightly walks soon. My coworkers will probably shun me.

If it turns out that my boss is prejudiced she might look for reasons to fire me just because of my gender presentation. Eventually my wife might not be able to accept me as her husband anymore and reject me. In the mean time she will be interrogated by her friends and family about me, and when we are together people will think we are lesbians and she will be discriminated against because of me.

And people think this is a lifestyle! Who the fuck would want to make themselves miserable like this???

So I've come to accept that this is the way I am and I have to do what I have to do, so that's good at least. One thing that is unchanged is that I still identify as bigender. I switched at least four times today. However, I should have been a female when I was born. Now I'm going to have to try and correct that.

Shit. I'm so excited and scared. Please wish me luck.

Page Abendroth