I'm Not Dead Yet!

Note – this post was written earlier in the day time.

Hi again blog.

My mood has stabilized significantly since yesterday. The tears are still close to the surface but for now at least I don’t have to make a concentrated effort to hold them back. Tonight I’ll let myself be as emotional as I need to be and I’m going to do it in a healthy, nondestructive way. (That’s my plan anyway.) 

The two people I feel closest to in San Diego, (the only two people I actually feel close to) are going away and I’m going to be here by myself.  I plan on getting my ass out and making new friends in the trans community, but what if I don’t forage any close relationships with anyone? If that’s the case all that will be keeping me here is my job.

Once the dust settles from my divorce I’ll be starting all over again and I have to say that the idea of moving to a new city and rebooting my life is rather appealing to me right now. After everything is squared away between me and my wife I’m going to get an apartment in Hillcrest with a six month lease. That will give me time to get settled, to meet new people and to save money. What I do after the six months is up in the air.

If I’m happy where I’m at I’ll just stay here. San Diego is a pretty nice place to live and I have a steady job. If I’m unhappy then I’m going to move away IF I can make sure that I’ll have a job lined up for me. Also, I’m already half way towards retirement with the organization I’m currently employed by and it would be foolish for me to throw that away. (So I’ll be able to retire when I’m 41 if I want to, although I’ll most likely keep working as I’d get a lot more retirement money if I do 30 years vs. 20.) 

If I feel like it’s time to move on there are a few different places that I’m thinking about going. I don’t like to plan really far in the future so this is just for fun. Still, I’m used to moving around all over the place thanks to the Navy and after all that I’ve been through here it might really be a good idea to get a fresh start. Anyway, here’s what I’m thinking.

Florida – I haven’t said this since I was a little kid, but right now I really want my mommy. =(  I want to be close to my family and I could really use their support right now. I know also that there’s a great gender therapist over in Sarasota, which looks like it’s a really nice place to live. I’d be able to dive out on the weekends to visit my family and vice versa. The cost of living out there is super cheep and I could afford a nice apartment with just my VA check. Both Sarasota and South Tampa look to have thriving LGBT communities as well.

The problem with moving to Florida is that uh, it’s Florida. It’s kind of the deep fucking south which is not the friendliest place for gender variant people such as I, and of course I need to be able to work so that I can support myself somehow. Also, fuck fire ants. Seriously.

Chicago – I was born and raised in Chicago, so I have roots there and I still feel a strong connection to it. I also have family and old friends there and I know my way around. Chicago has a bustling LGBT community and I’m sure that I’d be able to find plenty of support there. Oh, and the food! Best food in the world. I fucking love Chicago.

However I hate the weather. In the summer time people die from the heat and in the winter they freeze to death. Also, while there are people I know there, I’m worried that it might be a bit awkward for some of them that I’m going to be so, uh, different than I used to be. One of the points of moving away from San Diego would be to have a fresh start and going back to Chicago might be defeating the purpose. There used to be a strong Navy presence there but they’ve moved most of the various schools to Texas so it would be hard for me to find a job.

Oh, and all the Portillo’s will make me fat. I’m so hungry right now.

San Francisco – The Gay Capital of America. This one is a no brainer. In San Francisco I might actually not be queer enough to be noticed by anyone. =P It would be the safest place in the country for me and it’s a beautiful, diverse and wonderfully weird place to live. Hell, even if I was heteronormative I’d love to live there.

If I could afford to. The cost of living in San Francisco is crazy and I’d have to be very financially secure to move out there. That’s the only problem I can think of. If I could afford it I’d fucking go now.

Seattle – I’ve never been there but I’ve always wanted to go. Washington is a beautiful State with a diverse ecosystem which is important to me because I love nature and I don’t like living in the desert like I am now. Seattle appears to be a very liberal city with a lot of culture. The LGBT community is huge and I keep hearing that it’s an awesome place to live if you’re trans. I just feel drawn to Seattle like it’s somewhere I’m supposed to be. I can’t really explain it.

I need to learn take a little vacation up to Seattle to check it out. There are a lot of Naval facilities at Bremerton which is really close to Seattle. (Hour long ferry ride.) If I can get a job lined up I’d really like to move there. It feels right.

That’s enough typing for now. I’ll blabber on about more pointless nonsense later!

Paige

I'm out and proud! (Plus a public service announcement for any friend or family member who ever reads this blog.)

This has been an awesome weekend. On Friday I called my Mom and I finally came out of the closet. Once I got her on the phone I could hardly speak; I don't remember the last time I was that scared. She told me that she was confused, (which is very understandable) but that she loved and supported me.

JOY!

Then I called my sisters and they were both incredibly supportive and cool with it. Then I posted my Facebook note and I've been overwhelmed by how positive most people have been. Everyone who's not happy about this has kindly kept quiet. If I knew it was going to go this well I would have come out months ago. =P

I have a serious problem where I expect a worst case, apocalyptic scenario out of every life situation and it's NEVER as bad I'd feared. One of my sisters rightfully pointed out to me that for a person who doesn’t want to be judged I sure did a lot of judging. If you're someone I know and you're reading this – I'm sorry if there's anything in this blog that you find personally insulting.

Until Friday I felt so alone and I was terrified that I was going to lose the last bit of connection to my family. Now I feel more loved and closer to everyone that I ever have. I was so happy on Friday that I was sobbing. I've cried so much over the course of this past year; to cry because I was happy was a new experience and it felt wonderful.

And now for a quick public service announcement -

If you are a friend or family member reading this there's something you should know first. I created this blog for a couple reasons. First, it's a form of therapy for me. I've had to keep all this stuff to myself for a long time and if I didn’t get it out somehow I was going to go crazy. Second, I thought that by doing this then maybe down the road some other bigender person who going through what I have will stumble upon it and it might help them.

For this reason I have held nothing back in this blog. I talk about everything that's been happening to me.

Everything.

Including TMI stuff relating to my transition that might be good info for someone else who is in my shoes but that you probability REEEEEALLY don't want to read. I personally don't care if anyone of you read this stuff as I have nothing to be ashamed of. Just a friendly warning. =)

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the letters L, G, B and T.

Paige

Getting ready to come out!

The Stars Are Right!

No, Great Cthulhu isn’t going to make his return just yet, (Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn) but it IS time for me to finally come out of the closet as bigender to my family and old friends. After a lot of emotional turmoil, self loathing and unbearable guilt, I'm finally perfectly happy and proud to be bigender and I want everyone to know it.

I feel bad about keeping this from my family for such a long time, but until this point I just wasn’t ready to handle the strong emotion feedback I'll likely receive. Now I've been on HRT for almost six months and my former partner and I are separated. They deserve to know what's going on with me, even if they don't like it.

(Note – it makes me sad to type that last bit. We're still technically married and I don't know what else to call her. She calls me her “roommate”, but shes more than that to me. “Former partner” is the best I can think up.)

Until I'm out to the world I feel like I won't be able to fully claim my identity as a queer person. No one should have to hide who they are from anyone just because they are scared of rocking the boat. I don't want to just be out on the internet, but in the real world acting as an advocate for bigender and non-gender conforming people everywhere.

My biggest fear is of course rejection. I'm worried that when I come out, the people who I've known all my life will suddenly hate me, and I’m the sort of person whose not comfortable with the fact that there's people out there that don't like me. However, seeing how I'm now resting comfortable beneath the Trans Umbrella, I suppose that’s just something I'm going to have to get used to. I've never been super close to my family, but I still love them and I hope that they'll still care about me when this is over.

If not – tough shit.

If someone is going to reject me just for being who I am then I don't want anything to do with them anymore, be they family member or old friend. I've gone through hell and back over the course of this past year and I'm not about to let anyone’s bigotry invalidate my identity, nor am I going to let anyone make me feel bad for being me. I'm transbigenderqueer and I'm fucking magical.

I think that Friday shall be “The Day”. I'll call my Mum, then my sisters and then my brother. I think that my brother is the person most likely to accept me so if everyone else freaks out hopefully he'll have my back. I've prepared a message for Facebook as well, which is how I'll come out to the rest of my family and the world. I think it's pretty good but it lacks a certain warmth. I'll have another crack at it tomorrow. It has to be just right.

I'm feeling good, it's pride month and on the 18^th it'll be my six month HRT anniversary. Unleash the motherfucking rainbow!

Paige

Trying to figure out how to come out as Bigender

So I'm about thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to coming out to my family but I'm not quite sure how I want to go about doing it. I am transitioning to a more female body as that's the gender I primarily identify as, but I still flip into guy mode regularly.

On a side note, I've noticed that when I'm taking care of business matters or making important decisions I tend to automatically flip into guy mode. It's weird; like the male part of my brain is an administrator or something.

Ok, back on track. I HATE being in the closet. I believe in being open and honest with everyone, for better or worse. I mean, here I am writing about the most intimate, personnel details of my life on a public blog. For me, being in the closet mean being ashamed of who I am, and I don't want to live my life that way. I'm already shy and self-conscious as it is. I'm never going to be able to fully accept myself if I keep hiding who I truly am from everyone.

Coming out as trans seems like the easiest option. (Well, it won't be easy, don't get me wrong.) I mean, people are clueless and baffled about transgenderism as it is, but NO ONE knows what the hell bigender is. The conundrum there is that yet again I will not be 100% honest as despite transitioning, I primarily identify as being bigendered.

What I think I'll do is call my Mom first and tell her what's going on. Despite how she takes it I'm going to send her a copy of this book. http://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Explained-For-Those-Who/dp/1449029574/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1335122705&sr=1-1 Hopefully that might clarify things. Then I'll call my little sisters and then my stepbrother. That takes care of the family members who I feel closest to.

Since several members of my family are on Facebook I'll come out there next. All my old friends from back in the day are there too. Before I come out I'm going to purge my friends list so only the people who need to know will see my message. I believe in the cycle of renewal so I've made a new Facebook profile, and I'll let everyone know that if they aren’t too freaked out they can send a friend invite to that one as I'll be shelving the profile I'm currently using.

My family is, for the most part, very conservative so I'm not expecting much support or acceptance. That's going to hurt. I'm afraid of rejection, but if I let that fear keep me in the closet then I'll be stuck there indefinitely. As for my old friends . . . I have no idea. I think that this will freak them the fuck out, but I have no clue as to how they will respond. I hope they won't be too mean.

Whatever happens I know that a great burden will be lifted off my chest. No more hiding what I look like, my political opinions or anything else for that matter. I'll be able to let my freak-flag fly tall and proud. I have another appointment with my gender therapist tomorrow so I'll bring this up with her before setting a time table.

That's all I got for the moment. Now I have to go and fire my old psychiatrist. Good times.

Paige