I'm out and proud! (Plus a public service announcement for any friend or family member who ever reads this blog.)

This has been an awesome weekend. On Friday I called my Mom and I finally came out of the closet. Once I got her on the phone I could hardly speak; I don't remember the last time I was that scared. She told me that she was confused, (which is very understandable) but that she loved and supported me.

JOY!

Then I called my sisters and they were both incredibly supportive and cool with it. Then I posted my Facebook note and I've been overwhelmed by how positive most people have been. Everyone who's not happy about this has kindly kept quiet. If I knew it was going to go this well I would have come out months ago. =P

I have a serious problem where I expect a worst case, apocalyptic scenario out of every life situation and it's NEVER as bad I'd feared. One of my sisters rightfully pointed out to me that for a person who doesn’t want to be judged I sure did a lot of judging. If you're someone I know and you're reading this – I'm sorry if there's anything in this blog that you find personally insulting.

Until Friday I felt so alone and I was terrified that I was going to lose the last bit of connection to my family. Now I feel more loved and closer to everyone that I ever have. I was so happy on Friday that I was sobbing. I've cried so much over the course of this past year; to cry because I was happy was a new experience and it felt wonderful.

And now for a quick public service announcement -

If you are a friend or family member reading this there's something you should know first. I created this blog for a couple reasons. First, it's a form of therapy for me. I've had to keep all this stuff to myself for a long time and if I didn’t get it out somehow I was going to go crazy. Second, I thought that by doing this then maybe down the road some other bigender person who going through what I have will stumble upon it and it might help them.

For this reason I have held nothing back in this blog. I talk about everything that's been happening to me.

Everything.

Including TMI stuff relating to my transition that might be good info for someone else who is in my shoes but that you probability REEEEEALLY don't want to read. I personally don't care if anyone of you read this stuff as I have nothing to be ashamed of. Just a friendly warning. =)

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the letters L, G, B and T.

Paige

Getting ready to come out!

The Stars Are Right!

No, Great Cthulhu isn’t going to make his return just yet, (Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn) but it IS time for me to finally come out of the closet as bigender to my family and old friends. After a lot of emotional turmoil, self loathing and unbearable guilt, I'm finally perfectly happy and proud to be bigender and I want everyone to know it.

I feel bad about keeping this from my family for such a long time, but until this point I just wasn’t ready to handle the strong emotion feedback I'll likely receive. Now I've been on HRT for almost six months and my former partner and I are separated. They deserve to know what's going on with me, even if they don't like it.

(Note – it makes me sad to type that last bit. We're still technically married and I don't know what else to call her. She calls me her “roommate”, but shes more than that to me. “Former partner” is the best I can think up.)

Until I'm out to the world I feel like I won't be able to fully claim my identity as a queer person. No one should have to hide who they are from anyone just because they are scared of rocking the boat. I don't want to just be out on the internet, but in the real world acting as an advocate for bigender and non-gender conforming people everywhere.

My biggest fear is of course rejection. I'm worried that when I come out, the people who I've known all my life will suddenly hate me, and I’m the sort of person whose not comfortable with the fact that there's people out there that don't like me. However, seeing how I'm now resting comfortable beneath the Trans Umbrella, I suppose that’s just something I'm going to have to get used to. I've never been super close to my family, but I still love them and I hope that they'll still care about me when this is over.

If not – tough shit.

If someone is going to reject me just for being who I am then I don't want anything to do with them anymore, be they family member or old friend. I've gone through hell and back over the course of this past year and I'm not about to let anyone’s bigotry invalidate my identity, nor am I going to let anyone make me feel bad for being me. I'm transbigenderqueer and I'm fucking magical.

I think that Friday shall be “The Day”. I'll call my Mum, then my sisters and then my brother. I think that my brother is the person most likely to accept me so if everyone else freaks out hopefully he'll have my back. I've prepared a message for Facebook as well, which is how I'll come out to the rest of my family and the world. I think it's pretty good but it lacks a certain warmth. I'll have another crack at it tomorrow. It has to be just right.

I'm feeling good, it's pride month and on the 18^th it'll be my six month HRT anniversary. Unleash the motherfucking rainbow!

Paige

Came out to my boss today. And other crap

I made the decision yesterday to come out to my immediate supervisor who basically functions as my boss, although there are even more people over her who I also have to answer to. Yay government bureaucracy! She is the nicest, sweetest lady I've ever met, and she has known that I've been having a lot of problems over the past year. She's tried to get me to talk about them, but I've always told her that I wanted to, but I couldn’t just yet.

When I had my most recent depressive episode she went out of her way to cover for me and to make sure I was ok. Whenever something goes wrong she's always been there for me. Seriously, the best boss ever. After this latest incident I decided that she deserved to know the truth.

So today we sat down and I filled her in on why I went to the hospital and the fact that my wife and I are getting separated so we can have some space. She was very concerned about my self mutilation and she expressed how worried she was about me.

Anyway, I eventually steered the topic in the direction that I needed it to head in and asked her, “Are you open mined?” She said yes of course, and then I told her I was transgender, and that's the reason that things have been so crazy for me. She was very supportive and made it a point to tell me that it's not a big deal in this day and age. Uh, she also recommended that I go to a church support group, but I figured I wouldn't tell her that I'm also an Atheist as dropping the trans bomb-shell was enough for one day.

When I came out to my wife about being bigender I bombarded her with information as I was desperate for her to accept me. That just made her more confused. So coming out to my boss I only told her that I was transgender, and that was it. If the person want's to know more information they will ask you. (Although you should let them know they can ask you questions, duh.)

She DID ask me the “how far are you going to go with this?” questions which of course means, “are you going to have THE surgery”, and I responded that I'm going to keep going until I can blend in as a female in public, which is the truth. I also assured her that I'm not just going to suddenly show up in a dress one day, which got a laugh. This is going to be a long process especially given my financial situation. Hell, she'll most likely have moved on long before I go full time.

I would have liked to have come out as bigender but again I thought it was best just to tell people what they need to know. When I come out to my family I'm going to do so as bigender and I'll send that spiffy Scientific America article to them. (I'm Science! After all.)

Speaking of which, I have decided that now is NOT a good time to come out to my family considering my rather fragile psychological state. My therapist agreed and reminded me that it hasn’t even been a week since I was in the hospital. I tend to move very fast on things. I haden't given that much thought before, but after my session with my therapist tonight I'm a little worried.

She was asking me about my mood and how it was changing. I didn’t know what she was talking about, but she said that in the 20 minuets that we'd been talking I'd gone though six profound mood swings. I'm not sure what the problem is, if I'm thinking happy thoughts I'm happy and if I think sad thoughts I'm sad, but she made a big deal out of it and it's creeping me the fuck out because she's a smart lady and I don't know what this means. It's spooky! OooooOOOOoooOOO. Just like that.

The only other item of interest that happened today was that when I came home my wife and I got along very well and we were affectionate to each other, which made me supper happy as I still love her to death. Last night when I tucked her into bed she told me, “every time I look at you I get depressed”, which set me off and I cried the rest of the night, up until the point until I got into bed. Then she put her arm around me and I went right to sleep.

Anyway, today I walked into the bedroom to find that she had taken all her decorations down. She had an entire wall plastered with old drawings and art projects from when she was a little kid up until now. I saw that blank, empty wall and again, I couldn't hold back the tears. We are not giving up on this marriage, but holy shit this is painful. Yet here I am, still kicking and screaming.

Paige

Trying to figure out how to come out as Bigender

So I'm about thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to coming out to my family but I'm not quite sure how I want to go about doing it. I am transitioning to a more female body as that's the gender I primarily identify as, but I still flip into guy mode regularly.

On a side note, I've noticed that when I'm taking care of business matters or making important decisions I tend to automatically flip into guy mode. It's weird; like the male part of my brain is an administrator or something.

Ok, back on track. I HATE being in the closet. I believe in being open and honest with everyone, for better or worse. I mean, here I am writing about the most intimate, personnel details of my life on a public blog. For me, being in the closet mean being ashamed of who I am, and I don't want to live my life that way. I'm already shy and self-conscious as it is. I'm never going to be able to fully accept myself if I keep hiding who I truly am from everyone.

Coming out as trans seems like the easiest option. (Well, it won't be easy, don't get me wrong.) I mean, people are clueless and baffled about transgenderism as it is, but NO ONE knows what the hell bigender is. The conundrum there is that yet again I will not be 100% honest as despite transitioning, I primarily identify as being bigendered.

What I think I'll do is call my Mom first and tell her what's going on. Despite how she takes it I'm going to send her a copy of this book. http://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Explained-For-Those-Who/dp/1449029574/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1335122705&sr=1-1 Hopefully that might clarify things. Then I'll call my little sisters and then my stepbrother. That takes care of the family members who I feel closest to.

Since several members of my family are on Facebook I'll come out there next. All my old friends from back in the day are there too. Before I come out I'm going to purge my friends list so only the people who need to know will see my message. I believe in the cycle of renewal so I've made a new Facebook profile, and I'll let everyone know that if they aren’t too freaked out they can send a friend invite to that one as I'll be shelving the profile I'm currently using.

My family is, for the most part, very conservative so I'm not expecting much support or acceptance. That's going to hurt. I'm afraid of rejection, but if I let that fear keep me in the closet then I'll be stuck there indefinitely. As for my old friends . . . I have no idea. I think that this will freak them the fuck out, but I have no clue as to how they will respond. I hope they won't be too mean.

Whatever happens I know that a great burden will be lifted off my chest. No more hiding what I look like, my political opinions or anything else for that matter. I'll be able to let my freak-flag fly tall and proud. I have another appointment with my gender therapist tomorrow so I'll bring this up with her before setting a time table.

That's all I got for the moment. Now I have to go and fire my old psychiatrist. Good times.

Paige