Just another status update

Hi blog. I'm supper fucking exhausted right now so hopefully this post isn’t too incoherent. Seriously, I fell like I got hit by a truck. Not much to report since the last post. When I went to work on Thursday there was a card in a sealed envelope waiting for me. I opened it up and it was from my boss, saying to take care of myself and wishing me luck on my transition. My day couldn’t have started any better. I've said it before, but my boss really is the sweetest lady ever.

My wife and I are getting along good. She was at her parents house the last few days and I had it all to myself. We will be moving into our separate parts of the house in the next few days now which is going to be a bit of work. My upper body strength is NOT what it used to be so I'm wondering how moving all this furniture around is going to go.

We had a friend over today to look at the condo and to see if he wants to move in. Looks like he probably will which is awesome as quite frankly he's the only person who we'd let in here. That will allow me to save money, which is something I really need to do.  (And my wife and I both think it will be kind of fun.)

As he left he mentioned that he was worried about me. I'm worried about me too and I think I'm trying to go way to fast in regards to my transition. It's something my therapist has brought up a couple times as well. I really need to give myself time to get comfortable with myself and to work shit out. Also as I mentioned in my last post, I'm starting to worry about not being able to pass as male in guy mode. I have a long way to go in regards to that, but as I begin to look more androgynous and my chest growth becomes more prominent (seriously, those little things are perky) this is bothering me a lot.

Is there a middle ground? I'm really not sure and this is just one of the reasons I need to slow the fuck down before I make a decision that I'll regret later. It must be nice to wake up in the morning and not have to think about what gender you are. Anyway, before I make any kind of permanent alterations to my body outside of the effects of HRT I'm really going to have to learn to accept myself as a bigenderd person.

I think the new game plan will consist of doing electrolysis over the next several months and then after I've saved up another 4 grand I'll do another round of laser resurfacing. I figure this will give me over a year to mull things over and to get well mentally with therapy and all that. (Well, I'll probably always be in therapy but I mean that I'll hopefully be in a better place.)

That's about it for the moment. Now I'm going to go play stupid video games until I feel like going to bed.  Weeeeeee.

Oh, NPR might want to interview me. Another day in the life.

Paige

Trying to figure out how to come out as Bigender

So I'm about thiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to coming out to my family but I'm not quite sure how I want to go about doing it. I am transitioning to a more female body as that's the gender I primarily identify as, but I still flip into guy mode regularly.

On a side note, I've noticed that when I'm taking care of business matters or making important decisions I tend to automatically flip into guy mode. It's weird; like the male part of my brain is an administrator or something.

Ok, back on track. I HATE being in the closet. I believe in being open and honest with everyone, for better or worse. I mean, here I am writing about the most intimate, personnel details of my life on a public blog. For me, being in the closet mean being ashamed of who I am, and I don't want to live my life that way. I'm already shy and self-conscious as it is. I'm never going to be able to fully accept myself if I keep hiding who I truly am from everyone.

Coming out as trans seems like the easiest option. (Well, it won't be easy, don't get me wrong.) I mean, people are clueless and baffled about transgenderism as it is, but NO ONE knows what the hell bigender is. The conundrum there is that yet again I will not be 100% honest as despite transitioning, I primarily identify as being bigendered.

What I think I'll do is call my Mom first and tell her what's going on. Despite how she takes it I'm going to send her a copy of this book. http://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Explained-For-Those-Who/dp/1449029574/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1335122705&sr=1-1 Hopefully that might clarify things. Then I'll call my little sisters and then my stepbrother. That takes care of the family members who I feel closest to.

Since several members of my family are on Facebook I'll come out there next. All my old friends from back in the day are there too. Before I come out I'm going to purge my friends list so only the people who need to know will see my message. I believe in the cycle of renewal so I've made a new Facebook profile, and I'll let everyone know that if they aren’t too freaked out they can send a friend invite to that one as I'll be shelving the profile I'm currently using.

My family is, for the most part, very conservative so I'm not expecting much support or acceptance. That's going to hurt. I'm afraid of rejection, but if I let that fear keep me in the closet then I'll be stuck there indefinitely. As for my old friends . . . I have no idea. I think that this will freak them the fuck out, but I have no clue as to how they will respond. I hope they won't be too mean.

Whatever happens I know that a great burden will be lifted off my chest. No more hiding what I look like, my political opinions or anything else for that matter. I'll be able to let my freak-flag fly tall and proud. I have another appointment with my gender therapist tomorrow so I'll bring this up with her before setting a time table.

That's all I got for the moment. Now I have to go and fire my old psychiatrist. Good times.

Paige