Nobody knows

Where it comes and where it does, errr and all that jazz. This should be a pretty quick update. Yesterday I thought I had everything figured out and now I'm not so sure. In a nut shell, life is. . . complicated at the moment.

There's nothing I can do about that at the present moment, (my wife comes back from her parents in two days time ) but alas this weighs heavily upon my mind. Uh, yeah. Mostly what I think about all the time is -

A. - My body is all wrong and I hate it.

B. - I've married to the perfect woman for me but then I changed in a way that I couldn’t control and now I've gone and ruined everything, and I'm really scared regarding the ultimate outcome.

So - NOT FUCKING HEALTHY.

Today I've been thinking about purification. Not just of my body but of my mind and if it exists my spirit. Turning everything off, eating only simple, unseasoned food and foregoing my beloved energy drinks for water. I'm very sick in my mind right now and I've been that way for a while. Due to my mental sickness my body suffers as well. Today I woke up feeling great, but then at midday I suddenly became violently ill. I don’t have the flu, food poisoning and I was not hung over. I know what's wrong however. You become ill like that when your body is trying to desperately expel poisons from your system in order to keep you alive. I have inundated my body with toxins both mental and physical and I'm overwhelmed.

These past couple weeks as I've been home recovering from my not very effective laser resurfacing I've been poisoning myself with unhealthy self destructive thoughts, lack of exercise/fresh air, sleep deprivation, disgusting processed food as well as chemical stimulants. I don't have a good reason why, other than in the past this is how I've dealt with pain and mental anguish.

It's killing me and it has to stop right now. I've become so sick that I can't properly take care of myself. If you can't tale care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. My wife needs me to take care of her, but I am a fucking wreck. This is a dilemma.

Being trans I must transition. I have no choice lest I go insane. It's now obvious to me that I'm never going to be happy unless I change. I now know what I have to do, but that's the easy part. Changing the intrinsic nature of a person, even yourself; that's something else. Everything must change, and we all know how humans love change.