So much has happened since my I last
updated my journal that I'm posting it in a few parts.
So my wife and I had a plan where she
was going to move out for a bit, (Only because I'm not in a position
to do so) so that we could have some space and I could rent out part
of the condo to make extra money so that I can transition. Her
therapist actually thought this was a good idea, but I hated it as I
love her very much and I felt like a horrible person, asking so much
from her. At the time however I couldn’t think of any other way to
make it work.
She told her parents about this plan
and now they apparently hate me. My wife told me that her dad thinks
that I'm trying to push her out of the condo so that I can leave her
high and dry and that he apparently want's to kick my ass. Her mom
want's her to get a lawyer so that she can get my promise to sign the
lease over to her once she has a stable job as a matter of record, or
something.
First of all I'm sad and hurt that they
don't like me any more. I came from a dysfunctional family and when
I met my wife I couldn't believe how wonderful her's was. They have
always treated me with caring and love. There's no way they could
ever understand what's going on, and I suppose that I'll just have to
live with their scorn.
Secondly I'm a little pissed off. I've
loved, supported and provided for my wife for nine years not counting
the year back when we were in the military and she moved into my tiny
barracks room with me. Even when she was still active duty and
earning money I payed the bills so she could save hers. (Now I pay
them all, except she pays for the car insurance with money from her
GI bill.) Because she has been going to school for what seems like
forever now, I do the VAST majority of the housework, cooking and so
on. Everything I do is for her. I'm even prepared to sign over my
GI bill to her so she can pursue her masters if she wishes.
Now all of the sudden I'm some sort of
villain. I don't completely blame them. They only have a sliver of
information regarding what's been going on and they are trying to
make sure that their daughter is safe and protected. There's no way
they could understand what I'm going through and the drastic measures
that I have to undertake in order to preserve my sanity at the
moment. I don't think that any of them are familiar with trans
issues and I'm confidant that her old fashioned conservative father
most certainly is not.
I never wanted her to move out of the
fucking house. That's the last thing I wanted. However, neither of
us could figure out a better option at the time. Thankfully, since
then I've gotten creative and worked out a solution.
I've been looking into space saving
websites and I've figured out how we can set up the house so that we
can still rent it out and have room for both of us. My wife and I
were initially going to bunk together in the same room but she
INSISTS that I take it for myself. What I'm going to do is convert
“my” room into the TV/REC room as well as my living quarters.
This way we keep everything open to everyone, but if I need my
privacy I can close the door. (And going through what I am right now
that means a lot to me.)
We plan on renting out the living room
for 450 a month. We might already have a renter, and it's someone
who I trust and respect so if he takes me up on the offer it would be
ideal. (My wife loves him too which is important as she's
apprehensive about bringing a stranger into our house.)
If he chooses not to rent here then I
am going to hit up craigs list and look for a roomie. It's going to
be complicated because it'll have to be someone who's trans-friendly,
lgbt friendly and female. I like the idea of renting to another
trans person myself, but we can be an unstable lot so we'll see. It
will be like living in a dorm, but it's the best solution I can think
of given out current situation. It might actually be fun.
The current plan is that when my wife
get's out of school in February and then find a stable job I'm going
to sign the mortgage over to her and then I'll get a place in town.
Then I'll be able to save up serious money and I'll be out in the
city alone, where I hope to continue to grow as an independent woman.
(It's kind of funny to type that in guy mode. Gender is weird.)
Her parents might fucking hate me but
what they don't fucking realize is that this whole time I've been
working on setting her up for her future. I have a lot invested in
this condo and I'm willing to give it up for her. Everything I've
ever done has been for her, but being transgender I HAVE to
transition. It's not an option and they don't understand that. I've
heard the term, “transition or die” many times before, but now
truly understand what it means.
I remember one point where I was
desperately trying to think of ways to pay for this and I jokingly
thought to myself, “maybe I could just whore myself out.” All
the sudden I was hit with the sad realization of why so many
trans-girls resort to sex-work. We really are that desperate, and
I'm in the fortunate position where I at least have a steady job and
a roof over my head.
I don't know if my wife and I have a
future together. She's not bisexuel and as I transition into a woman
it seriously hurts me to know that she's not sexually attracted to me
anymore. She loves me and I love her, that much I do know. We had
all these little dreams that we would discuss while we would snuggle
in bed. Moving to some little town when we retired, getting horses
and a cow. (I always told her that she would have to clean up after
them. HAY! I'm from the suburbs of Chicago after all.) We marveled
at how wonderful out marriage was and how it would last forever.
Everything was perfect.
But I'm fucking trans.
When you're transgender it's very
important that you except yourself for who you are. It's not
something that you have control over. My wife keeps reminding me of
this but when I think about what we had together, all the dashed
dreams, of all the pain I'm putting her through and the uncertainty
it's very hard not to hate myself. I'm really trying though. I'm
trying so fucking hard.
I knew that being trans would alienate
people from my life. It's look's like my wife’s family are the
first people to reject me. None of them have bothered to contact me
to hear my side of the story. I hope that over time they will reach
out and we can ay last come to some sort of understanding.
It's late. There's more stuff that I
need to write about, but that will have to wait. Thanks for reading.
Paige
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