Beauty is in The Eye of The Media. (And probobly copyrighted.)

Strap yourselves in kiddies, it's going to be a long ride. Tighter. No, TIGHTER. Thaaat's better.

Ok, so I've wanted to write about the transgendered Canadian Ms. Universe contestant for a while.

So as you may have heard on the world wide interwebz, it turns out that a candidate for Ms. Universe is a transwoman and she got disqualified for reasons which we all know are bullshit, but now she's being allowed to compete again because the corporate suits who run said travesty of a pageant know that transwoman = controversy and sex, both of which make great television.

If you don't read the news (and who could blame ya; it's really damn depressing) here's a linky. https://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/transgendered-miss-universe-canada-contestant-has-boyfriend-wants-kids/article2396043/ I googled her and this is the first link that popped up. ZOMG headline! A woman has a boyfriend and she wants to have kids at some point??? NEWZ.

I realize that trans-rights are just finally coming into the public spotlight and that we're going to have growing pains like this but really; the media is treating this woman like a circus freak and it's disgusting. Hollywood has a long history of sexualizing and vilifying transwoman, usually in a way that makes us look like we're either sad men hopelessly posing as woman, (depicting us as characters) or we're represented as femme fatales; trapping men in our little sexual web until we thrust out male identifying cock in their face at the last second. Ha! Fooled you! Now you're a pervert because obviously no real man would want to be in a romantic relationship with a transwoman!!!

And now back to our friend, the Ms. Universe Contestant, Ms. Jenna Talackova. She should obviously have the right to compete just like every other woman in the pageant. After all, they all look exactly the same. I mean, they all look beautiful in that strange, inexplicable way that I can only describe as being . . . completely generic. Also, they're all probably at least 50 percent synthetic anyway, so she's just as much a woman as the rest of em.

Which somehow brings me around to the subject of beauty.

I think that everyone want's to be attractive and recognized as such in their own way, and if you've somehow moved beyond that desire you're probably either -

1. Crazy, in which case you have bigger problems.
2. Beautiful already. If you were born that way then you have no idea how good you got it, and if you had to work for it you know just how fleeting it is.
3. A Buddha, who is beyond such things, but yeah. Fat chance.

Times will change, but there will always be pressure on various people who dwell within their particular social framework to conform to certain standards in accordance to their place in the society in which they dwell.

Look, what I'm trying to work up to is that woman face an overwhelming amount of media pressure to look a certain way. Transwoman experience this same pressure, but due to how our genetic code has effected the shape of our bodies this pressure can be even greater. Many transwoman are desperate to fade into the woodwork of society; to make a nice, new life for themselves where they where never ravaged with testosterone poisoning and they can live as they were supposed to be – as a woman. For some girls, especially those of us who have the fortunate opportunity of going on on AA blockers before puberty rides in on it's pale horse like Ms. Universe Canada; (remember her?) through the magic of hormones and some well placed implants can look just like any other genetic woman you may pass on the street.

For so many of us however this is not the case. Many transwoman don't transition until much later in their lives. Those of us who do at a younger age tend to see better results. (As far as the feminizing effects of hormones are concerned.) Those of us who do when they are older tend to have a harder time, and some of us just look like flipping lumberjacks regardless.

This brings me to a couple nights ago when I was staring at my acne ravaged face in the mirror. As I've mentioned here in this blog before, puberty kicked my ass like Bruce Lee on a PCP high and left me a battered, whimpering heap upon the ground. Still I'm actually lucky in a way; while my face was ground zero for the acne equivalent of WW3 it's like my body has been rejecting testosterone from the onset. Therefore despite me not starting HRT until I was 32, my features are rather androgynous and I seem to be taking to it well.

Still, I only tend to see what's wrong with my appearance vs. the good qualities, and the more feminine I look in my own eyes the more I see both the tiny as well as the (perceived) major flaws in my appearance. A week and a half ago I got laser resurfacing done to my face. It cost a shit-ton of money and I'm blowing all my vacation time to recover from it so as you might be able to imagine; I've had a lot ridding on it.

I'm not happy with the results. Just typing that really fucking hurts.

I know that it's going to keep getting better as time goes on and as my face continues to produce new collagen and shit tightens up and blah blah blah, but while there's some improvement that I can see I can't help but be disappointed. It's obvious to me that I'm going to need some major fucking surgery to get to where I need to be. Or where I want to be?

As I type this up now I'm getting very emotional because I'm so unhappy and ashamed with my appearance, but that's the reason I started typing this post in the first place. It's silly. The way I feel.

Pageant contestants like Ms. Jenna Talackova (yeah, she's still part of this conversation) make their living by exemplifying an almost super-human standard of beauty that the vast majority of us, regardless of whether or not we're genetic females, will ever be able to obtain without MAJOR intervention. (Be it surgical or otherwise.) I remember a time when I used to look at attractive woman with desire. Now most of the time, when I look at them I think, “I'm so inadequate.”

Uh, that's not a healthy attitude for any woman, but especially for one who's been female for less then a year.

Quick story on the most exquisitely gorgeous woman that I’ve even had the honor of gazing these tired upon. Dum Dum Dum -

So I was at one of those crappy Halloween costume stores that pop up every October and wandering the makeshift isles, which had long since been decimated by overly excited children and indifferent adults to lazy to put shit back from where they got it from. I rounded a corner and there she was – A New Creature. As best as I can remember her, She had jet black hair that was done up in a perfect liberty spike mohawk. She was rail thin with almost no bust to speak of, and she wore little makeup except for around her eyes which were black and messy in a very deliberate way. She was adored with piercing and tattoos, her tight, torn blue jeans clung into to her her long skinny legs and her combat boots looked so old that I was afraid that they were going to disintegrate right there in front of me.

It was like I was in a vacuum. As though nothing in the world existed except for her in all her grungy gloriousness. She flashed me a beautiful, casual smile and asked if she could help me find something to which I shyly replied "no".  She flashed me devilish but friendly grin and walked away. I've never forgotten her to this day after but a a fleeting 20 second second encounter.  How could one person make such a long lasting impact on me years later when I run into beautiful woman on a daily basis?  (This is Socal after all.)

There was no pretense or bullshit. She just WAS. The way she dressed, presented herself, her awful posture and the almost supernatural amount of confidence she exuded. Really, she was one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen in my entire 32 years on this desolate rock.

In the world in which you and I dwell, we have been conditioned to find beauty in conformity rather than in individualism. By looking at things with such narrow blinders we of course miss out on the big picture, the panoramic view of humanity in all its glorious variety. I'm NOT saying that we should negatively judge people who make an effort like Ms. Canada (yes, she's still on the hook) to dedicate themselves to becoming the living embodiment of what the media tells us is beautiful. We are all just silly human beings with fragile egos and an imaginary sense of self. We find self worth through the approval of others. That's not how it should be.

Try as I might to be mindful of such things, I find myself constantly forgetting this and I fall into the same trap that so many other people do. I want to blend in like most people as to avoid ridicule, especially now because I identify as a gender that I was not born as and suffice to say, I have a long way to go if I ever want to blend into the wood work. But why fade away? Is my happiness really dependent on my ability to conform to what everyone else thinks that I should look like? And if I eventually manage to do that, will I truly be happy with myself or will I just be in hiding, scared that at any moment my genetic status will be discovered and exposed to the world?

I think that real happiness comes from letting go of silly things like ego, vanity and jealousy rather than allowing said imaginary emotional constructs which can so easily dominate your life. And beauty? IMO, beauty is living a life that brings you happiness.  Beauty is looking like yourself and being confident in however you choose to express yourself through your appearance. If you want to eventually look different that's cool. In the mean time please know that you’re still beautiful. (And as painful as it can be and trust me I understand; try not to set unrealistic goals for yourself. It's hard, but we're only human.)

I think that's all I have to rant and rave about the subject of beauty. (For now.) All in all, we make ourselves uniquely beautiful by expressing our individuality, and if other people can't recognize it then fuck em. You're better off then they are.