I've just awoken from a horrible nightmare.
In it I was younger and still living with my parents, sisters and step-brother back home in Chicago. Apparently I was out to them and I dressed up at home. (I believe that I was starting on HRT, but the details are pretty fuzzy.) It was my birthday and we were going out to a restaurant that I liked for dinner.
I guess that I was presenting as a female more and more when I went out, and that plan was that I would be female at the restaurant. With my girl cloths in my back pack I rode to the restaurant on my mountain bike so I could get there early to get dressed up in the bathroom. I felt happy and confident in my presentation, and I remember chatting with the waitresses and cracking jokes with them while I waited for my family.
Then my immediate family showed up. As well as some of my other relatives. I was not out to them and my feeling of happiness and contentment abruptly turned to shame and anger. My Grandparents, whom I love(d) dearly and who had a huge roll in my upbringing walked in, saw me, and then turned around and walked out without saying a word.
I asked my Mom, "What were you thinking? How could you do this to me?" but she didn't seem to care how I felt. My parents insisted that I didn't leave as it was my "party" and other gusts would be arriving (which was news to me) so I couldn't leave. I quickly changed back into my guy cloths and sat in a corner while everyone ignored me and had a lot of fun.
Quick background on my Grandparents; they were the most wonderful people I ever knew, but especially my Grandfather. My Dad was MIA for most of my childhood and for many years my Mom, little sisters and I lived with my grandparents. My Grandpa was the sweetest, kindest man I've ever known and as one of my cousins said to me during his funeral, "he was the only positive male role-model I've ever had".
They, like most of my family on my Mom's side, were devout Roman Catholics. I feel confidant that their response in my dream to seeing me dressed up like a girl would have been the same if it were real life. No matter how much they loved me up to that point and I loved them, it would have changed the way they felt about me forever. I don't think they would have hated me, but I'm sure they would have been disappointed in what they would have assumed was a "choice" and our relationship would have been poisoned.
I was taking a nap and my wife woke me up while I was at a point in the dream where I was heading back home alone, sobbing to myself. While the nightmare is over, it's opened my eyes to a new kind of terror that I'm going to have to face in my real life.
I've always been a big supporter of GLBT rights since I was in high school. I hate it when ANYONE is being treated unfairly. I've always been enraged when reading about the discrimination that GLBT people face and the violence that is inflicted upon so many of them just because they are being who they are. (Same goes for skin color, religion, ect.)
I've been out to myself for a few months or so now, but about half and hour ago a nightmare made me realize that I have a lot more to be afraid of then the prospect of my wife leaving me, which has been my greatest concern up to this point. I have to be afraid of other people who will hate me just for being myself, people who could be moved to actual physical violence against me for nothing I've done to them.
Now I realize that each time I come out to someone who I've known in the past or present they might suddenly hate me, just because I'm different. I've always hated discrimination, but I was a white hetro male who grew up in a nice part of town so it was as an outsider looking in. Now I find myself on the other side, and I'm suddenly feeling scared and alone.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Today sucked. (But that's ok.)
My lovely wife took me (well, I drove but you get the idea) to the thrift store today so we could buy me some girl cloths. I've been looking forward to this all week. It didn't go so well.
When we got there the place was packed. Not a big deal but I suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder with a mild social phobia, so that put me on edge. When we were going through the racks my wife would pick things out for me and ask me if I liked them. We were wading through a sea of humanity so it's not like I could be vocal about what "I" wanted to wear/buy.
My wife is awesome and she was trying to find stuff that she thought I'd like, but I wanted nothing more than to just run down the isles and start tearing through the female cloths like every other woman there. I know what I like, and going through the isles one item at a time was excruciating for me.
When my wife would say something to me that even hinted in the slightest that the woman's cloths we were picking out were for me I wanted to shrink into a tiny ball and disappear, least someone heard (as it was practically standing room only) and judged me.
After a while I couldn't take it any more, I panicked and we left with nothing to show for our efforts. I got so depressed that I couldn't cope with how bad I felt so I went to sleep for a while. I've had time to calm down and I feel a bit better now, but this just reinforces how isolated I am.
It also made me realize how much of said isolation is my own fault. If I was less self-conscious I could have done just what I wanted to do, other peoples opinions be damned. (Not like they were ever going to see me again.) As always, I'm my own worse enemy.
I've decided to try again. I need to "man up" (ironically) get back out there and do what I need to do. Which is in this case, buy some cheep cloths for me to wear in girl-mode. Because I'm cheap. NOT IN THAT WAY! You pig,.
When we got there the place was packed. Not a big deal but I suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder with a mild social phobia, so that put me on edge. When we were going through the racks my wife would pick things out for me and ask me if I liked them. We were wading through a sea of humanity so it's not like I could be vocal about what "I" wanted to wear/buy.
My wife is awesome and she was trying to find stuff that she thought I'd like, but I wanted nothing more than to just run down the isles and start tearing through the female cloths like every other woman there. I know what I like, and going through the isles one item at a time was excruciating for me.
When my wife would say something to me that even hinted in the slightest that the woman's cloths we were picking out were for me I wanted to shrink into a tiny ball and disappear, least someone heard (as it was practically standing room only) and judged me.
After a while I couldn't take it any more, I panicked and we left with nothing to show for our efforts. I got so depressed that I couldn't cope with how bad I felt so I went to sleep for a while. I've had time to calm down and I feel a bit better now, but this just reinforces how isolated I am.
It also made me realize how much of said isolation is my own fault. If I was less self-conscious I could have done just what I wanted to do, other peoples opinions be damned. (Not like they were ever going to see me again.) As always, I'm my own worse enemy.
I've decided to try again. I need to "man up" (ironically) get back out there and do what I need to do. Which is in this case, buy some cheep cloths for me to wear in girl-mode. Because I'm cheap. NOT IN THAT WAY! You pig,.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Blah, Monday Part 2
Ok, so it's not quite Monday yet but whatever. I'm feeling very depressed right now and I'm forcing myself to write this.
I'm so lonely. My female half is anyway. I have a classic introverted personality type, so I'm the type of person who does not need nor even want a lot of interaction with other people. I also suffer from a major depressive disorder along with a generalized anxiety disorder with social phobia. Uh, so I have issues.
What I'm trying to say is that I enjoy and need my "alone time". However, that doesn't mean that I don't like people and that I don't want to have friends. I'm just so weird that it's like I don't have anything in common with anyone I meet. Not to mention that I'm so shy that I avoid meeting people to begin with. I just never know what to say, and the more people the more overwhelmed I become. Then I get exhausted and I need to be along again to recharge my batteries.
It's something that bothers me in guy mode but I'm OK with it. In female mode however I feel like I'm desperate for someone to talk to. I want to be part of a community, to hang out with people I can relate to and share my feelings with. I don't normally crave social interaction in this way so this is hard for me to deal with. I need friends.
The girl me is trapped in the house and she does not dare leave or even draw a curtain. As a human being I cannot let anyone even know that I exist and it's killing me. So every night it's the same. In the evening after I exercise I get cleaned up and dressed up. Even though my wife is here in the house with me, I'm alone.
I'm sorry to be so down. I don't know what to do. This sucks.
I'm so lonely. My female half is anyway. I have a classic introverted personality type, so I'm the type of person who does not need nor even want a lot of interaction with other people. I also suffer from a major depressive disorder along with a generalized anxiety disorder with social phobia. Uh, so I have issues.
What I'm trying to say is that I enjoy and need my "alone time". However, that doesn't mean that I don't like people and that I don't want to have friends. I'm just so weird that it's like I don't have anything in common with anyone I meet. Not to mention that I'm so shy that I avoid meeting people to begin with. I just never know what to say, and the more people the more overwhelmed I become. Then I get exhausted and I need to be along again to recharge my batteries.
It's something that bothers me in guy mode but I'm OK with it. In female mode however I feel like I'm desperate for someone to talk to. I want to be part of a community, to hang out with people I can relate to and share my feelings with. I don't normally crave social interaction in this way so this is hard for me to deal with. I need friends.
The girl me is trapped in the house and she does not dare leave or even draw a curtain. As a human being I cannot let anyone even know that I exist and it's killing me. So every night it's the same. In the evening after I exercise I get cleaned up and dressed up. Even though my wife is here in the house with me, I'm alone.
I'm sorry to be so down. I don't know what to do. This sucks.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thinking about boobs and other random crap
Just checking in. To quickly summarize what's been going on; I cashed in all my credit card points for a bunch of Amazon gift certificates so I went on a little shopping spree. It was much needed as I don't have to many outfits for girl-mode. I got some really cute stuff so I'm very excited!
No word back from the therapist yet, I'm going to follow up on Monday. I was feeling pretty dysphoric about my body earlier but I'm better for the now. The weight loss is going better than I hoped it would and my naturally slender frame is really going to help me in my ultimate goal of passing as a woman I think.
So anyway, I've been thinking about boobs. Well, in guy mode I'm thinking about boobs all the time because I'm a horn-ball but now I'm thinking about MY boobs. I have a set of breat forms that are a large C. When I bought them I was totally clueless about size (I thought C was average and D was large) and I was supprised at how big they were when they arived.
My wife said that they looked good on me because of my body shape so I shrugged and didn't send them back. Since then I've lost a lot of weight however and now they look like porn star boobs on my quickly thinning frame. Big boobs are good, but I feel self conscious about their size.
It got me to thinking about how I would feel about them if I was born a bio-female. A lot of woman would kill for large breasts and they certainly have their social advantages. However, they stick out, get in the way and while I'm sure they attract a lot of positive attention they must generate a lot of unwanted attention as well.
As a Bigender woman I'm sure they would probobly be an issue. I can tuck my uh, junk away with a gaff so it doesn't poke out while I'm wearing a skirt, but boobs as big as mine would be a little more challenging. On the other hand in female mode sometimes I kind of like them. Breasts are one of the defining indicators of femininity after all. Even if you look a little manly if you have boobs it's an automatic "this person is a female" flag regardless.
I hope to start hormone replacement therapy soon and that may or may not result in some development of breast tissue. I really hope I at least get an A cup but while I'm sure my wife wouldn't be happy the female half of me would love to get a B. But what if I get "lucky" and I end up with big boobs somehow? Real ones that I can't take off at the end of the evening? The likelihood of this occurring is very small especially considering that I turn 34 tomorrow (11/9/11 Edit - I'm 32! What the heck was I thinking?) and the woman in my immediate family are pretty flat, but what if?
My wife is ok with everything about me starting hormones except the breast development thing, so that would be a big issue. Work would be a huge problem too. I guess I could bind but I would have to be very careful with what kind of shirts I wore and I think binding can only hide so much. I work with active duty military all day and that would be very awkward. Would I hate them in guy mode and love how feminine they made me feel/look in girl mode? Would they actually force me to come out?
So yeah. Boobs! I like em! Now that I know I'm bigender they mean a lot more to me now. Did I mention that I like boobs? Hell, I even like saying the word.
Boobies boobies boobies boobies! Ok, back to my corner now.
No word back from the therapist yet, I'm going to follow up on Monday. I was feeling pretty dysphoric about my body earlier but I'm better for the now. The weight loss is going better than I hoped it would and my naturally slender frame is really going to help me in my ultimate goal of passing as a woman I think.
So anyway, I've been thinking about boobs. Well, in guy mode I'm thinking about boobs all the time because I'm a horn-ball but now I'm thinking about MY boobs. I have a set of breat forms that are a large C. When I bought them I was totally clueless about size (I thought C was average and D was large) and I was supprised at how big they were when they arived.
My wife said that they looked good on me because of my body shape so I shrugged and didn't send them back. Since then I've lost a lot of weight however and now they look like porn star boobs on my quickly thinning frame. Big boobs are good, but I feel self conscious about their size.
It got me to thinking about how I would feel about them if I was born a bio-female. A lot of woman would kill for large breasts and they certainly have their social advantages. However, they stick out, get in the way and while I'm sure they attract a lot of positive attention they must generate a lot of unwanted attention as well.
As a Bigender woman I'm sure they would probobly be an issue. I can tuck my uh, junk away with a gaff so it doesn't poke out while I'm wearing a skirt, but boobs as big as mine would be a little more challenging. On the other hand in female mode sometimes I kind of like them. Breasts are one of the defining indicators of femininity after all. Even if you look a little manly if you have boobs it's an automatic "this person is a female" flag regardless.
I hope to start hormone replacement therapy soon and that may or may not result in some development of breast tissue. I really hope I at least get an A cup but while I'm sure my wife wouldn't be happy the female half of me would love to get a B. But what if I get "lucky" and I end up with big boobs somehow? Real ones that I can't take off at the end of the evening? The likelihood of this occurring is very small especially considering that I turn 34 tomorrow (11/9/11 Edit - I'm 32! What the heck was I thinking?) and the woman in my immediate family are pretty flat, but what if?
My wife is ok with everything about me starting hormones except the breast development thing, so that would be a big issue. Work would be a huge problem too. I guess I could bind but I would have to be very careful with what kind of shirts I wore and I think binding can only hide so much. I work with active duty military all day and that would be very awkward. Would I hate them in guy mode and love how feminine they made me feel/look in girl mode? Would they actually force me to come out?
So yeah. Boobs! I like em! Now that I know I'm bigender they mean a lot more to me now. Did I mention that I like boobs? Hell, I even like saying the word.
Boobies boobies boobies boobies! Ok, back to my corner now.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Blah, Monday
So I take an hour to get ready when I go into girl mode. (When I want to feel really pretty anyway.) I've got on my sexiest cloths, my make-up is flawless and I'm looking fine. (As fine as I could look being a guy and all.)
And now that I'm all ready for a night on the town . . .
Time to sit down at my computer and blog. Blargh.
Any-who, not much to report for today. I faxed my information to the Dr. so hopefully I will hear something soon. My experience in the Navy taught me that if you want something done in a timely manner you need to follow up aggressively on it, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Work was fine. My poor wife is sick so I picked her up a surgical mask for her to wear to class tonight. She drew a funny face on it. I love her so much.
The dysphoria has been much better than last week but hay; it's only Monday so maybe I can work another emotional crisis in around Thursday. The fact that I know some action is being taken in regards to getting me to a gender therapist/hormones is very reassuring.
Slinky black dress, fishnets, spiked collar, stilettos and no where to go. Well, it's for the best because I still haven't figured out how to walk right in high heels and I'd probably kill myself on the stairs. Seriously, I don't know how bio-females do it.
And now that I'm all ready for a night on the town . . .
Time to sit down at my computer and blog. Blargh.
Any-who, not much to report for today. I faxed my information to the Dr. so hopefully I will hear something soon. My experience in the Navy taught me that if you want something done in a timely manner you need to follow up aggressively on it, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Work was fine. My poor wife is sick so I picked her up a surgical mask for her to wear to class tonight. She drew a funny face on it. I love her so much.
The dysphoria has been much better than last week but hay; it's only Monday so maybe I can work another emotional crisis in around Thursday. The fact that I know some action is being taken in regards to getting me to a gender therapist/hormones is very reassuring.
Slinky black dress, fishnets, spiked collar, stilettos and no where to go. Well, it's for the best because I still haven't figured out how to walk right in high heels and I'd probably kill myself on the stairs. Seriously, I don't know how bio-females do it.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Good weekend, good news
I had a lovely time this weekend up in Big Bear with my wife attending the little horror film festival they had up there. My wife used to live there and I love it up there too, so it's always fun to visit no matter what's going on. (And I love me some monster movies!) We saw some really great independent films, ate delicious food and stayed at a shit hotel, but hay; no weekend is perfect.
The BIG news is that Saturday night my psychiatrist finally called me back and on Monday morning I'm faxing him the info for the gender therapist I want to see and he's going to submit the funding request right away.
YAY!!!11!!eleventyOne~!!
I was so happy when I got off the phone that I wanted to grab my toes and spin around in my chair like a little kid. This therapist has gotten referrals from the VA before so it shouldn't be a problem.A very special thank you to MoralAnimal from the Bigender.net http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php forums for recommending said therapist. You're my hero!
So things are looking up. I'm still super tempted to start hormones by myself but I just need to be patient for what will hopefully by just a little while longer. Speaking of hormones, a couple years or so ago my body almost completely stopped producing testosterone and now I have to give myself an injection once every two weeks. (I had the T level of an 80 year old man!) The endocrinologist still can't figure out why. Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is that I decided not to take it this week. I'll start again if/when I begin to get run down like I was beffore, but I'm going to only take as much as nessesary untill I can get on estrogen.
Now I thought it would be fun to write out my current goals in regards to my feminisation. Later I'll be able to check up on them and see how far I've progressed. I'm not transsexual or transgender, I'm bigender so I don't want to go full female transition. I do however identify with my female side a bit more than my male so I really want to do everything I can to feminize myself short of not being able to pass a as a male. Soooo, in order of most urgent to least -
1. Start on hormone replacement therapy. I cannot stress how critical this is to me right now.
2. Continue to lose weight. The day I figured out that I was bigender I weighed 215 pounds and I'm 6'1. Now I weigh 199 and I'm starting to see a major difference. My goal is to get to 165 and then reassess. Woman come in all shapes and sizes and there's nothing wrong with not being skinny as long as you're still healthy. I feel very strongly that I need to be as slender as I can while still getting all the proper nutrients of course. They say that on hormones you should expect to gain 10 pounds, so maybe I'll have to lose more. Then again, if those 10 pounds go to my ass and breasts that would be ok!
3. Laser facial resurfacing or dermabrasion. I had terrible acne in the past and it left my face pretty scared up. As a guy I don't like it but I can live with it. As a woman though I can't stand it. This should give me a much more feminine complexion and reduce my dysphoria plus bringing me closer to my ultimate goal as passing as female when I go out. (When I'm in female mode that is.)
That's all for now, I'm sure I have more to add to that list but it's getting late and I'll have to get washed up soon. One of the problems of being female that I never thought about as a male is that women need time to wash off all their damn makeup before going to sleep.
"This wasn't part of the deeeeeeeeeeeal!"
Ok, I'm better now. Good night!
The BIG news is that Saturday night my psychiatrist finally called me back and on Monday morning I'm faxing him the info for the gender therapist I want to see and he's going to submit the funding request right away.
YAY!!!11!!eleventyOne~!!
I was so happy when I got off the phone that I wanted to grab my toes and spin around in my chair like a little kid. This therapist has gotten referrals from the VA before so it shouldn't be a problem.A very special thank you to MoralAnimal from the Bigender.net http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php forums for recommending said therapist. You're my hero!
So things are looking up. I'm still super tempted to start hormones by myself but I just need to be patient for what will hopefully by just a little while longer. Speaking of hormones, a couple years or so ago my body almost completely stopped producing testosterone and now I have to give myself an injection once every two weeks. (I had the T level of an 80 year old man!) The endocrinologist still can't figure out why. Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is that I decided not to take it this week. I'll start again if/when I begin to get run down like I was beffore, but I'm going to only take as much as nessesary untill I can get on estrogen.
Now I thought it would be fun to write out my current goals in regards to my feminisation. Later I'll be able to check up on them and see how far I've progressed. I'm not transsexual or transgender, I'm bigender so I don't want to go full female transition. I do however identify with my female side a bit more than my male so I really want to do everything I can to feminize myself short of not being able to pass a as a male. Soooo, in order of most urgent to least -
1. Start on hormone replacement therapy. I cannot stress how critical this is to me right now.
2. Continue to lose weight. The day I figured out that I was bigender I weighed 215 pounds and I'm 6'1. Now I weigh 199 and I'm starting to see a major difference. My goal is to get to 165 and then reassess. Woman come in all shapes and sizes and there's nothing wrong with not being skinny as long as you're still healthy. I feel very strongly that I need to be as slender as I can while still getting all the proper nutrients of course. They say that on hormones you should expect to gain 10 pounds, so maybe I'll have to lose more. Then again, if those 10 pounds go to my ass and breasts that would be ok!
3. Laser facial resurfacing or dermabrasion. I had terrible acne in the past and it left my face pretty scared up. As a guy I don't like it but I can live with it. As a woman though I can't stand it. This should give me a much more feminine complexion and reduce my dysphoria plus bringing me closer to my ultimate goal as passing as female when I go out. (When I'm in female mode that is.)
That's all for now, I'm sure I have more to add to that list but it's getting late and I'll have to get washed up soon. One of the problems of being female that I never thought about as a male is that women need time to wash off all their damn makeup before going to sleep.
"This wasn't part of the deeeeeeeeeeeal!"
Ok, I'm better now. Good night!
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