Some small smidgen of enlightenment.

This morning when I woke up everything made sense. That might seem silly but that's how I feel. For weeks I've been searching for meaning and happiness and now I finally feel like I'm on the right path.
I believe that the potential for happiness is within all of us. When I say happiness I'm talking pure, cosmic, orgasmic joy. Most people will only experience such a feeling for fleeting moments at a time. I believe that through training and practice that one could experience this sensation all the time.

I've been trained and conditioned my entire to life to judge myself negatively. In turn I've learned to judge others the same. But why? When you judge someone you exert some sort of perceived control over them. I'm right and you are wrong. This is foolish. As long as someone is not hurting themselves or anyone else how can they be wrong in anything they do?

If I'm ever going to be happy I need to stop judging myself and giving other people permission to judge me. Instead of letting my mental conditioning dictate my feelings I'm going to do my best to remain mindful of what's going on around me so that I can identify the things that upset me and then dismiss them as the nonsensical thoughts that they are. I realize that this is going to take years of training, but it's something I know I can do and I've given myself permission to not be perfect.

My new philosophy is one of love. Instead of hating myself as I have for so long I'm going to love myself. In turn I'm going to love everyone else as best I can. I think that at the core of our being everyone is capable of pure love; it's just that some people have problems with their mind that prevent them from experiencing this. Be it through environmental conditioning or perhaps through a medical defect, some people are cruel and hurtful. I will do my best to love the part of those people that is capable of love and to forgive them for their hostility.

Throughout my life, nothing has ever made me happier than helping other people to be happy. That's exactly what I'm going to focus on doing utilizing the science of Tantra. I feel like the storm that's been raging in my heart, my desperate search for purpose, has come to an end. (At least this particular storm, as I'm sure there will be others.) So now I finally have a direction and a general idea of where I want to go. What a relief, and what a joyous feeling.
Mabey I'll even sleep tonight! =P

Pete/Page

Good weekend, good news

I had a lovely time this weekend up in Big Bear with my wife attending the little horror film festival they had up there.  My wife used to live there and I love it up there too, so it's always fun to visit no matter what's going on.  (And I love me some monster movies!)  We saw some really great independent films, ate delicious food and stayed at a shit hotel, but hay; no weekend is perfect. 

The BIG news is that Saturday night my psychiatrist finally called me back and on Monday morning I'm faxing him the info for the gender therapist I want to see and he's going to submit the funding request right away.

YAY!!!11!!eleventyOne~!!

I was so happy when I got off the phone that I wanted to grab my toes and spin around in my chair like a little kid.  This therapist has gotten referrals from the VA before so it shouldn't be a problem.A very special thank you to MoralAnimal from the Bigender.net http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php forums for recommending said therapist.   You're my hero!

So things are looking up.  I'm still super tempted to start hormones by myself but I just need to be patient for what will hopefully by just a little while longer.  Speaking of hormones, a couple years or so ago my body almost completely stopped producing testosterone and now I have to give myself an injection once every two weeks.  (I had the T level of an 80 year old man!)  The endocrinologist still can't figure out why.  Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is that I decided not to take it this week.  I'll start again if/when I begin to get run down like I was beffore, but I'm going to only take as much as nessesary untill I can get on estrogen.

Now I thought it would be fun to write out my current goals in regards to my feminisation.  Later I'll be able to check up on them and see how far I've progressed.  I'm not transsexual or transgender, I'm bigender so I don't want to go full female transition. I do however identify with my female side a bit more than my male so I really want to do everything I can to feminize myself short of not being able to pass a as a male.  Soooo, in order of most urgent to least -

1. Start on hormone replacement therapy.  I cannot stress how critical this is to me right now.

2. Continue to lose weight.  The day I figured out that I was bigender I weighed 215 pounds and I'm 6'1.  Now I weigh 199 and I'm starting to see a major difference.  My goal is to get to 165 and then reassess.  Woman come in all shapes and sizes and there's nothing wrong with not being skinny as long as you're still healthy.  I feel very strongly that I need to be as slender as I can while still getting all the proper nutrients of course.  They say that on hormones you should expect to gain 10 pounds, so maybe I'll have to lose more.  Then again, if those 10 pounds go to my ass and breasts that would be ok!

3. Laser facial resurfacing or dermabrasion.  I had terrible acne in the past and it left my face pretty scared up.  As a guy I don't like it but I can live with it.  As a woman though I can't stand it.  This should give me a much more feminine complexion and reduce my dysphoria plus bringing me closer to my ultimate goal as passing as female when I go out.  (When I'm in female mode that is.)

That's all for now, I'm sure I have more to add to that list but it's getting late and I'll have to get washed up soon.  One of the problems of being female that I never thought about as a male is that women need time to wash off all their damn makeup before going to sleep.

"This wasn't part of the deeeeeeeeeeeal!"

Ok, I'm better now.  Good night!