The big news is that after all this time I finally started on hormones today! I got the injection-type as I wanted them to be as safe and quick acting as possible. My doc said he was going to prescribe me sprio but for some reason it wasn’t on the script, so I need to call the clinic tomorrow.
So far no breasts yet! I'll check and see if they've grown in by tomorrow. =P
But seriously, I think that my body will take to hrt well. That being said I am keeping my expatiation’s low. I am 32 after all, so the changes should be relatively minor. It will bring me closer to me goal of appearing androgynous in “neutral” mode, and by all accounts from the fine lady’s at bigender.net it should help with my dysphoria, which is going to be a huge deal for me. I am now official beginning phase two of my diabolical, master plan. My next step is to get the laser resurfacing treatment done to my face. More on that as the situation develops.
Speaking of my dysphoria, I've been handling it pretty well lately. Life in general has been pretty good, mood-wise. Every day I try to stay mindful as much as I can remember too, and it's making a huge difference in how much my social phobia effects me. (As in, I'm doing wonderful.) Like a manta I tell myself over and over again, “I will not judge myself and I will not judge anyone else.” I keep slipping up, like someone will annoy me for some silly reason, but then I am able to catch myself and I instead try to love that person as much as I can manage. I've also learned to finally except and love myself for who I am. Now that I can love myself it's so much easier to love other people. Just a month ago I never could have imagine that I would say something like that.
When I am awake I like to think that I am outside of myself, like my conscious is floating above my head like a little silver cloud. While the “small I” is walking around doing whatever, the part of me that is free observes the world and tries to see the true, empty nature of the world. That probably sounds weird. Maybe I shouldn’t try to write about the heavy stuff when I'm so tired.
Books! I finished Pilgrims to Openness: Direct Realization Tantra in Everyday Life which was good, although I didn’t like how the author kept introducing new terms without explaining them. What made it worse was that she would use a regular word of phrase and then assign some alternate meaning to it, and she left it up to the reader to figure out what she was getting at.
While I wait for my physical books to arrive in the mail I've begun reading Love, Freedom, and Aloneness: A New Vision of Relating by my man Osho on my kindle. That wonderful, bearded guru is amazing and so far I've loved everything I've read by him. (And I've learned so much.) The book is all about love, and thus far, he talks about how wrong we've got it. I'm to sleepy to give this topic justice so I'll save it for another time. It's really cool, life altering stuff though. (Huh, lot's of life altering stuff/revelations lately. Neat!)
Which (somehow) brings me to sleep, or lack thereof. (I knew this was going to be a rambling entry.) Why the fuck can't I sleep! I don't want to sleep but my mind and body is exhausted. Then when I am finally able to fall asleep I wake up at least an hour before I have to get up for work. I'm averaging four hours of “good” sleep per night and that shit's taking it's toll. My meditation book should be here in the next day or so and I'm reading that next. Maybe that will help.
That's enough for now. I'd say on a scale of 1-10, one being “I want to die” and 10 being a state of pure, uninterrupted bliss I'm at like a 4 ½, which is a far cry from where I was at when I started this little blog.
Cheers, and I hope you sleep sweet. (Godess knows I wish that I could.)
Pete and Page
No comments:
Post a Comment