Just checking in

 

Note - I actually wrote this yesterday afternoon.

So for the past few months I’ve been sleeping an average of four hours per night. I have no idea how I am still able to function but I am. Page hadn’t come out for almost a week and she didn’t want to go to bed yesterday evening. Finally I had to force “us” to. Then as usual I woke up at like 0400 and couldn’t fall back to sleep for more than 10 minutes at a time. 

This used to happen before due to my anxiety and Trezadone did the trick. (I still take it before I go to bed.) Maybe I need to increase the dosage or something. While in general these past few days I’ve felt better than I have in months about myself and the future there is still something obviously disturbing my mind, preventing me from sleeping soundly.

On a plus note despite my lack of sleep I feel pretty darn good, if not groggy. My mood continues to be better than it has been in a very long time as well. I have a couple social situations coming up, and I’m actually looking forward to them as opposed to worrying about them. So far, the self doubts that occasionally flair up are quickly brushed aside as I realize such thoughts to be the ridicules things that they are.

This weekend my wife and I are going to hang out with the in-laws and with a friend from online.  I’ll have a good opportunity to practice not judging myself or being afraid of other people judging me. I’m giving myself permission to feel uncomfortable at times and if things don’t work out and I become overwhelmed I will forgive myself and keep trying without feeling as though I’ve failed in any way.  Fuck you social phobia!


I've been feeling a bit dysphoric lately but not very bad.   Only five days until I begin HRT!  If there's something wrong with my lab results I think I'm going to start crying right there in the doctors office.  I guess it's time to make an appointment with my regular family practice doctor to let her know what's been going on with me.  Holy shit, am I going to need an obgyn? 


What an interesting life.