Breaking point

It just hurts too much. Everything is wrong and I don't know how to go on living this way.

I look in the mirror and I see an ugly man who is not me. I hate my self. My disgusting face.

I want to make friends but I have no idea how to do so anymore. I'm hopeless. I don't even know how to forage a simple friendship. I have no friends. I haven’t had a true friend in a decade. Seriously, 10 years? How fucking pathetic is that? I'm trying, but I can't seem to forge a simple bond with anyone.

Now I'm alone and I can't stand it any longer. This has to end. I am looking into transgender support groups and the only one I've found in San Diego is “The Neutral Corner.” I don't know anyone that could come with me and I'm afraid that I'll break protocol and so something embarrassing. I have no one. I have noting to look forward too.

I feel like I need to reboot. To start over and forge a new identity. Not like that's an option. I cry every night and every time it hurts more and more.

But I have no way out. I have nothing. No future, no hope and no chance of salvation.

Shit, I'm so tired. I'm going to take a bath now.

Pete

Just catching up yet again

I have a bit of information to report, but nothing major. First of all guy mode finally returned last night for about three hours. Then I spent most of today in guy mode. Things have changed though. Before HRT I viewed myself as a man who was sometimes a woman, and when I was in female mode there was this sense of awkwardness.  Like I was a pretender and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin.

Things have changed.  I now primarily identify as a woman and I now feel the same way about guy mode as I used to about girl mode. It's harder now than it was before because while I think of my “baseline” gender as being female my body has a long way to go before it can pass as such.  As a result the dysphoria has been really bad lately.

On a more positive note, I now have the laser resurfacing locked in for the last day of this month, (March 30^th), and my boss who is the bestest boss ever in teh worldz has me scheduled for leave for two weeks, so I have plenty of time to recover. (So this will be my annual vacation.  Scab face.  Yay.)  As I have mentioned before, this is one of the only things keeping me going and now after about 20 years of hating my face I'm going to do something about.  Never mind the pain, I'll take anything I can get. 

Things between my wife and I are very complicated at the present moment. She is still going to put the surgery on her credit card, which is amazing seeing how when I first came out I assumed we would be divorced by now. This is such a scarey time for us. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice and everything I hold dear could break apart at any moment.  Mean while the female part of me feels trapped in my current situation and it's like she is unable to evolve. And yet at the same time, I still love my wife with every fiber of my being, although the dynamics of our relationship have changed pretty drastically.

I wish we didn’t have the condo so that we could keep our options open. Today she expressed the same thought to me. She has been very depressed and it's all my fault. It's hard not to feel guilty, but at the same time I know that I have no choice but to be myself.  My gender therapist recommenced another therapist who has a lot of experience taking care of partners of trans-people, and I got my wife to email said therapist today.  She is very stoic but I know that she really needs to talk to someone.  This is eating her up inside and I can't bear to see her in such emotional torment.

Things are so uncertain now when not so long ago it was like we both had the rest of our lives planned out. We fit so well together; it was a miracle that we found each-other. But I was a man then, and now I've gone and screwed up my life. I think that neither of us wants to end our relationship, but at the same time we are not sure how to make it work in the long term.  I think she is looking for an exit strategy and I don't blame her one bit.  Currently she has no way out.

As with everything, I'll take it one day at a time. One thing I know is that with my wife in school she is dependent upon me financially, and if things do go south I will still support her and take care of her as I always have until she decides to move on. No matter what I will always love her. She has given me the best eight years of my life. I just wish I had more to give. This is where I start to cry again,

Page

That's more like it.

I actually had a good weekend, believe it or not. I woke up on Saturday feeling well rested and in a much better state of mind. In the evening I meet up with two other bigendered people and we went out to Mo's, which is the most popular gay bar in the city. So it was my first time at a bar, let alone a gay bar. It was supposed to be girls night out, but I'm not quite ready to go out in “full” girl mode so I just wore a female cut shirt and jeans. Actually, in retrospect I was in full on girl mode, the only difference was that I didn’t have any make up on, so I suppose it was girls night out after all.

I thought that I would be freaked out being in such a loud place so full of people, but I actually felt really comfortable. Hillcrest is now my favoretest place in San Diego. (Well, Balboa Park is the coolest, but Hillcrest is a close second.) If I didn't have the condo and I was still renting I would totally move out there, but I only live 10 minuets away so it's not a big deal.

Today I attended a gender-queer meeting near the clinic where I get my HRT stuff. I was impressed and fascinated by the different types of people there. The one thing we all had in common was that we did not conform to the gender binary, and everyone expressed their gender identity in different ways. Despite being shy as hell and being very nervous I had a good time and everyone made me feel really welcome. I will surely be attending the meetings as often as possible.

Regarding my transition - I thought that I’d been on HRT for three months now, but a friend pointed out to me that it's only been two and sure enough, he was right. I had a feeling that I was going to take to estrogen well, but I'm pretty surprised at the changes that have happened in such a short amount of time. Tomorrow I will confirm with my boss when I can get the time off for the laser resurfacing. (Pew-Pew!) Most likely my leave will start the last day of this month, and that same day I will get the laser treatment. Considering how far I've come in such a short amount of time plus knowing that the laser is really going to help my complexion, I'm feeling pretty good right now.

I still identify as bigender and I still have a “guy” mode, but it's not really masculine at all. It's more like androgynous mode. I think about all the things I want to do as a female and I get excited.  Shopping, going to clubs, actually DANCING.  So I'm still am leaning heavily towards the MTF end of the transgender spectrum. The one thing I'm sure of is that I'm in a transitional period in my life, (in more ways than one) so I'm not going to write anything in stone. Anything can happen, and as is recorded in this blog my gender identity is all over the map so I'm going to take things slow. Step by step, one day at a time.

In summery, it was a good weekend. Page is now out in the San Diego LGBT community and I'm really excited about that. I'm going to start looking up transgender support groups also in case I keep going down that route. You know, I'm normally terrified of social situations but I'm really looking forward to going out again. The gay community is awesome and I feel like I finally have a group to which I belong.

Page

Dysphoria

Today was really bad. It started OK, but by 1000 I felt horrible. I was driving around with my boss taking care of stuff and I couldn’t stop thinking to myself how much I hated my body, especially my face. I resent the fact that I have to sit, gesture, keep my posture and talk like a guy. Her mascara is always flawless and the fact that I couldn't ask her about how she applies it pissed me off.

There's no way I could come close to passing at this point so I don't dare go out in my girl cloths, and at the same time I can't stand wearing my guy cloths any more. I don't see myself as a man, but I'm so clumsy and inexperienced as a woman that I feel like some sort of imposter when I do dress up. I'm at a point where I can't find a way to be happy and it's killing me.

Gender dysphoria is the worst thing I've ever gone though, and trust me when I say that I've gone through some bad times. It's the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the my last thought before drifting away to sleep. I spent all evening in bed crying on and off. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm upping my wellbutrin to back where it used to be, and that might help a bit. I'm getting tougher on my diet too to get more slender and androgynous. That's all I got, until the laser resurfacing. After that I want to start going out, and that's going to be really hard for me.

What a cruel fucking joke that something like this should happen to a person with a social phobia. It's hard enough for me to go out; now when I go out people will make fun of me, de-gender me and who knows what else. I just want to live my life and be happy, but now I don't know what to do, or how I'm going to make it.

Page

Gasping For Air

I've reconciled the conflicting gender identity’s within myself and I now identify as just “Page”, but when I say that I mean that both of the perceived male and female aspects of my personality have come together and there is no longer any major gender conflict.

It got so bad for a while that I was thinking that one part of me was working against the other, and I was starting to view male mode and Page as two distinct entities. Really, the conflict was being generated by my inability to accept myself as female, which I am. I felt like I was being assaulted by my female half: like she was waging physiological warfare against the male part of me in order to take over.

Really though, it's just who I am, and I accept that now, with all the nightmarish implications that go along with it. I'm not going to rush things and I am going to try my best to take my transition as slow as possible. I've accepted that I can and very likely will loose everything that I currently hold dear in order to do this, but I can't go on living as a male any longer.

My dysphoria has been overwhelming the past few days. I hate my male body sooo much, and I resent the fact that at this point I can't pass as female, so I'm stuck living this lie.  I have to try and find a way to hold out just a bit longer.

Some positive news, I ordered a feminine voice training program from deepstealth.com, and I'm REALLY looking forward to getting that ball rolling. My laser resurfacing will be next month sometime in April. My acne scaring is my number one cause of dysphoria, and once I've healed up from the procedure I plan on finally going out en femme. This (the laser) is the next big step in my transition (as I've mentioned before) and I'm very excited about it. I only wish that I could do it sooner, but I've been stuck as a man for this long, so I suppose I can wait a bit longer. (As if I had a choice.)

Once I've healed, I plan on working on my presentation, and when the time is right, only presenting as a man while at work. (Most ladies seem to say that one should come out at work last, which is what I plan to do if possible.) Once I'm at that point (where I am reasonably comfortable with my presentation) I also plan on joining a trans support group. It will be great to meet other people like me, and quite frankly I desperately need the support right now. I'm barley able to keep it together as is.

My next step after laser will be electrolysis once my face has sufficiently healed. Then while that is going on I need to save my pennies for forehead recontouring, an eyebrow lift and a tracheal shave. After that – who knows? I don't want to put anything into stone, but those are the things that I feel need to happen at this point.

It's funny; I had everything I ever wanted out of life, and I used to think I would be dead before I was 26. I worked hard, turned my life around and married the perfect woman for me. Then – SUPPRISE! You're a tranny! Kiss your life and everything important to you good by!

It's hard not to hate myself. I keep repeating my mantra, “I love myself and I love all other sentient beings” in my head, but that which once comforted me now rings hollow. I don’t love myself at ALL. Things have to change before I can't take it anymore. I have to be myself or I wont be able to last much longer.

Page

Merging. Oh shit.

For as long as I have identified as bigender other bigender persons have said that going on HRT would make me feel better. It's only made things worse. (In their defense, they said it made THEM feel better, so it's not an issue.)

What works for the goose might not work for the gander. Is that how that shitty saying goes? Whatever.

For a long time I have viewed myself as having a distinct male and female mode, basically two different persona’s but still one identity. Thus far I have viewed the female part of myself as an interloper. An unstoppable intruder goddess-sent to rip my life apart if I let her, and yet an entity that I must placate at all costs in order to keep her satisfied.

But as my therapist reminded me tonight, I AM Page. I am one entity, and the fact that the female part of me is desperate to emerge and live her life is kind of telling, as is the fact that I can't identify as being a man anymore.

What was once was my male side is now some genderless facet of my brain desperately trying to broker the terms of my transition (surrender?) from male to female in order to make things go as smoothly as possible.

I think it's time that I accept that I'm just one person instead of two, and that said person is a ( tom-boyish and super nerdy) woman.

I'm going to take it slow – one day at a time. However, all of my waking thoughts have been of transition and I'm going to go forward with it no matter the consequences. I have no other choice. Still, I promise myself that I will not rush things and that before making any major life decisions that I will take time to reflect upon them and I will consult my therapist.

I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Page

Current events part, whatever. Who knows.

So I went to my appointment with the Dr. for my laser resurfacing and it went well. It's going to cost me 4 grand, but it's worth it as far as we're concerned. This is the next big step in my transition and I'm very excited. Work is bat-shit insane right now however so it might not happen until April, which would make us a sad. I want it now! Yeah, I know.

I look at old pictures and I compare them to current ones and I don't look quite the same. I was at McDonald’s this morning (yuck, but I was starving) and this cool girl with those silly ear-lobe stretching ear-things recognized me and we haven’t seen each-other for months. She commented on how different I looked and asked if I lost weight, which I said I had. People at work have asked the same. I haven’t even been on E for three months and my body is responding very well.

For those of you wondering what to expect from HTR – Here's my experience thus far, just short of three months and in a body that was always adverse to testosterone poisoning. (Still a newb.)

Warning – I'm going to be very honest here about my transition experience thus far and if you are uncomfortable about controversial subjects, human sexuality, or if you know me in real life and this shit is too weird for you then please skip the rest of this entry. I need to be honest with myself and to anyone else who is curious. Especially those who are going through the same sort of thing as I am.

The combination of estrogen and spiro has made my acne go away for the most part. I have suffered from severe acne from the onset of puberty until I started on HRT, and I didn’t start HRT until I was 32. In retrospect I think that I was never meant to be male and all my problems were a result of my body rejecting testosterone.

Sex drive is still there, but it's different. Before when I became aroused all roads basically led to my penis. Now when I become aroused I feel a sort of energy building up in the center of my being, and it spreads thorough my body. It's very tingly.

Most of my body is now a erogenous zone, but only when I'm in the right frame of mind. The desire is still there, but it's not an urgent, “I have to get off before I go to bed” issue like it was before. When I'm in the right frame of mind it's better than it's ever been though, and more satisfying. All that taboo shit? Perfectly acceptable now.

On to the nitty-gritty, I'm still able to achieve an erection, but not quite all the way without the use of medication. (Sometimes I surprise myself though.) As has been reported by other MTF people, my well appears to be running dry as it were, and yeah, draw your own conclusions.

Breast development. First my nipples puffed out, then the tissue underneath them began to lift them up. My breasts are at the most rudimentary stage of development, but I feel that they are just lying in wait for the next infusion of estrogen, that I provided them with earlier this evening. They are very sore and sensitive. I keep my ID and Credit Cards in my front left pocket, and I keep checking it to make sure I haven’t lost anything. (I'm supper paranoid about loosing my ID.) I keep smacking my left “breast” on accident to make sure I haven’t lost my ID, and it fucking HURTS.

Weight gain – I have gained weight in my hips and my ass, which both needed some weight and that's filling out my female pants in flattering ways. However – I still am cursed with “man pudge” around my belt-line. I think that after a year I will get lipo on it if need be. I will try to increase the strictness of my diet and increased exercise of course, but I feel really awful about it and I will do whatever I have to to make Page happy, so she leaves me the fuck alone.

In regards to my male and female half, at first things were better but now it's like the female part of me is waging all out psychological war-fair on me. (The male side, who it typing at this second.) I give an inch and she takes a mile. It's crazy, and I'll post about it another time. Right now I have to get ready for bed.

So sleep sweetly my pretties. Who knows what we will be upon the morrow.

Bonus - Angry bitch mode