Wow, so last night I was falling apart but today I feel relatively fine. (If not tired from staying up so late.) While I'm feeling pretty depressed in guy mode (which I'm in now) when I'm in girl mode sometimes the dysphoria is unbearable.
I'm currently trying to get on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but my psychiatrist is shit and he's not returning my calls. Monday morning I'm going to call my regular Doc (who is awesome) and try to get her to help me.
I'm a military vet and I get all my care from the VA. My plan is to get the hormones from them and to also get refereed out to see a gender therapist. I have a fun weekend planned so I'll report when I return.
<Sigh> One day at a time.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Ack! Part one.
Sooo, it's time to go to bed and my wife is not attracted to me. While I shouldn't be offended as she married a male I still can't help but feel. . . ugly. It's so stupid. Not her, but the way I'm responding.
When I'm in female mode I'm still me. I'm still the same person with the same goals and the same desires. I just present differently. For those of you who are not bigender or transgender this might not make any sense. I'm not going to bother trying to explain it right now, but maybe another time.
Anyway, I told her how good she looks, (and she looks incredible) and she told me in no uncertain terms that she's not comfortable with me "hitting on her" as a woman. So if I dress different and I use a lower voice it will be ok? She has put up with so much I shouldn't be so upset, but I feel very rejected and hurt. I feel so ugly.
I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I would die without her and when I'm presenting as a woman I know that she doesn't love me like she used too. (If at all.) It's not her fault but it's not mine either. I didn't ask for this. I wish I was just a regular guy and I didn't feel like I do but I cant help it.
My wife has made me into a better person and she has always been my anchor. My greatest fear in the world is that this will cause such a big rift between us that it will break up apart and I will loose her. If I could I would go back to how I used to be, but that would be choosing between going crazy and committing suicide or loosing the only person who means anything to me and probably offing myself anyway. I feel like no matter what I do I'm doomed and I'm scared.
I have to go to bed now but I think it will be another sleepless night. I love my wife more than ever, but I feel so alone in the world. I have no one to turn to and I feel like I'm a spectator watching my life fall apart. Shit, this sucks so bad.
We are going away for the weekend to a little film festival up in Big-Bear so that should be fun. Things are so crappy now I hope this weekend goes ok. I would sell my soul to make her happy but I can't change who I am. I'm thinking that as a temporary solution I'll repress my "girly" side and try to present only after she goes to bed.
Crap, that wont work. I'm so lost. My shrink hasn't returned any of my calls either. My only hope right now is that my regular doctor will be able to refer me to the gender specialist that an awesome person on the Bigender Forums http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php refereed me to.
Sorry this was so depressive but it's not like I'm doing this for anyone other than me. I'm hopeful that someday in the future I'll be able to post more positive entries.
When I'm in female mode I'm still me. I'm still the same person with the same goals and the same desires. I just present differently. For those of you who are not bigender or transgender this might not make any sense. I'm not going to bother trying to explain it right now, but maybe another time.
Anyway, I told her how good she looks, (and she looks incredible) and she told me in no uncertain terms that she's not comfortable with me "hitting on her" as a woman. So if I dress different and I use a lower voice it will be ok? She has put up with so much I shouldn't be so upset, but I feel very rejected and hurt. I feel so ugly.
I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I would die without her and when I'm presenting as a woman I know that she doesn't love me like she used too. (If at all.) It's not her fault but it's not mine either. I didn't ask for this. I wish I was just a regular guy and I didn't feel like I do but I cant help it.
My wife has made me into a better person and she has always been my anchor. My greatest fear in the world is that this will cause such a big rift between us that it will break up apart and I will loose her. If I could I would go back to how I used to be, but that would be choosing between going crazy and committing suicide or loosing the only person who means anything to me and probably offing myself anyway. I feel like no matter what I do I'm doomed and I'm scared.
I have to go to bed now but I think it will be another sleepless night. I love my wife more than ever, but I feel so alone in the world. I have no one to turn to and I feel like I'm a spectator watching my life fall apart. Shit, this sucks so bad.
We are going away for the weekend to a little film festival up in Big-Bear so that should be fun. Things are so crappy now I hope this weekend goes ok. I would sell my soul to make her happy but I can't change who I am. I'm thinking that as a temporary solution I'll repress my "girly" side and try to present only after she goes to bed.
Crap, that wont work. I'm so lost. My shrink hasn't returned any of my calls either. My only hope right now is that my regular doctor will be able to refer me to the gender specialist that an awesome person on the Bigender Forums http://www.bigender.net/forum/index.php refereed me to.
Sorry this was so depressive but it's not like I'm doing this for anyone other than me. I'm hopeful that someday in the future I'll be able to post more positive entries.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
First!
Jello! Since I came to the realization that I was bigendered a few months back my life has been undergoing some rapid and profound changes. In an attempt to put things in perspective and to document this new chapter in my life I've decided to start a journal.
I'm doing this for myself as a way to express my thoughts and emotions regarding what is to me a very personal, private and sensitive topic, but if any one else out there get's anything out of this project than that would be wonderful.
I have a lot to say so hopefully there will be many posts forthcoming. Thank you for reading!
I'm doing this for myself as a way to express my thoughts and emotions regarding what is to me a very personal, private and sensitive topic, but if any one else out there get's anything out of this project than that would be wonderful.
I have a lot to say so hopefully there will be many posts forthcoming. Thank you for reading!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)