More and more frequently when I look
into the mirror I see a woman looking back at me, and she’s always
a welcome sight. Sometimes I still look hopelessly male and I curse
my reflection, but most of the time now I see the woman who I was
always meant to be taking the place of the male body I so loathed,
and I’m filled with overwhelming joy. There are some major male
identifiers that won’t change without surgical intervention and I
can accept that now. If things keep going the way they have been it
will be just fine.
Ever since puberty I’ve had a
major body image problem. Most of it had to do with my acne, but
when I looked at the faces of other men I never saw myself in them.
I always thought something was off and I could never put a finger on
it before. When I first came out to myself the body dysphoria I
experienced was soul crushing and it nearly overwhelmed me. After
what I’ve been through up to this point, it’s hard for me to
describe how wonderful I feel now. Even with still having a long way
to go things are significantly better that they were before, and the
sensation of dysphoria which once seemed to be so pervasive every
waking moment of my life has greatly diminished to the point where a
bad attack of it is rare.
It’s not just about my physical
appearance though. My behaviors, likes, dislikes, the way I filter
information and the way I perceive the world around me has changed as
well. I think a lot of it had to do with moving out of the condo.
There was a part of my brain that was clinging onto my masculinity
for my Ex I think, and once I was in the new apartment the female
side of me took over for the most part. My roommate says that the
changes in my behavior have been profound, but I never really noticed
until he pointed it out to me. (Apparently I’m a typical shy girl
or something like that.) I just act normal and go with whatever
feels right.
When I flip into guy mode now it’s
just as disarming as it used to be when I flipped into girl mode. In
guy mode I’m not dysphoric about my body; I’m dysphoric with my
brain, which probably sounds crazy. It’s like something is off
with my mind and my way of thinking. I’m kind of repulsed by my
male brain and I wish it would just go away.
I don’t always notice the
switching. I was watching something on TV with my roommate maybe a
week ago and he made an innocent, jokingly suggestive comment and I
burst out laughing. He told me that he could tell I was in guy mode
because in girl mode I would have blushed. (I’m very bashful.) I
suddenly felt almost ashamed, like if someone was to have told me
that I was acting like a girl back when I primarily identified as a male.
Am I that different in guy mode vs. girl mode? And how can one
person be so different and still be the same person? Being bigender
is confusing.
But still, even with the flipping
I’m more convinced now than ever that transitioning is the right thing
for me. I used to be afraid of the male part of my brain getting
body dysphoria the more female I appear, but that hasn’t been the
case at all. In fact, I can’t wait till I get to the point when I
can’t pass as male anymore. I already did 31 years are a male and
I didn’t like it much. I think female will suit me better, and I
make a better looking than I ever did a man anyway. Heck, I might even be pretty someday.
Paige
